carbonated brain juice and the problem of memory
"Tommy Dread" by Lomelda
Wonder won't let up
But dread ain't such a bad line
I'll be back we'll be big, be kind
Be what was it good for?
Nothin' at all, nothin' at all
October 1, 2020 Thursday 8:25 PM
I am feeling okay! I had a growing anxiety, which kept flitting past me in the form of memories, they bobbed up as I was showering, as I was scribbling, as I washed the dishes, chopped onions, played chords—without notice, my body continuing along its predestined path, the song on the piano still tapping away without mistakes, but I wouldn't know because a memory swallows up my eyes and ears, until, like in a nightmare, in the moment of peak humiliation and terror, I suddenly realize that it's not real and I don't need to be there anymore. And I'm back with my keyboard and I stumble and I wonder how I kept it going so long, without knowing where I was; and now that I am aware of my body again, I don't remember where to go next. My muscle memory was interrupted.
Such is the normal symptom before a larger event, you know? I spend a few days feeling cheerful enough, but just... extremely sensitive. And with these bad memories repeatedly bubbling up, disturbed from some depths by an unknown passing figure and detaching from where they'd already collected against the base of my skull, coming up and blooming out of the surface.
I thought something would happen—whatever could happen—I might get a vaguely scolding remark from a professor, or a gently pushy request from a roommate to please clean up that thing I left on the table, or I might forget to turn on my headlights for a couple minutes into a drive, and that would be enough to shaken me. Not enough to, like, knock me out, but enough so that I would have trouble leaving my room and I would probably sleep more and do less work and maybe reduce meals to once a day frenetic feastings on whatever unhealthy takeout I ordered on grubhub.
None of that happened. The thing passed! I don't feel too anxious. I don't know what it was, that was making me anxious in the first place. But I'm okay. Which is mostly why I haven't written, although it's also because I've been really busy. And also, sometimes when I write in here, I don't have the energy to work on my actual fiction or other career-related work, so I usually try to do that first. But this time I happened to put up my monthly playlist and I decided to give myself a little room to think about things.
I think I'm gonna go head off and finish a reading for my literature theory class tomorrow. I also have to study for an oceanography exam, and I need to turn in my HTML lab for CS (somehow I ended up picking up STEM classes again, lmao, don't ask) and I think I should review a bit of vocab for spanish. Although I suppose I could save that for tomorrow. We will see.