Experienced Life
2020-10-01 11:42:42 (UTC)

Being needy part 2 😓

I don't like looking back into the past but to understand a little bit more about myself, I had to crank up that hamster wheel and see if the book I'm reading relates to me in some way. You know what? I think it does. Sigh... So this is about my ex gf. Not the crazy Blue Faye. She was really bi-polar but her trigger or at least when she flipped was after her orgasm. Yup, true. Before orgasm, she was a nice sweet person. Then after orgasm? Holy cow! How crazy she'd be after. Well, except for that night when she came 7 or 8 times. She managed to be good for the entire night that night. 😈

It was the woman before her. We were together for about a year. And the Facebook and even Amazon photos now are sending past pics and it doesn't help. Anyway, I recall asking her if she was ready to date and if she wasn't then, I didn't think it'd be a good idea yet. So I asked her how long it was since she broke up with her ex bf. I believe she said 6 months. I thought that was enough time so that I wouldn't be rebound material. Me on the other hand hadn't been steady with anyone for years so I knew I wasn't rebound material for sure. I knew nothing is guaranteed in life but it seemed like a safe thing for us to start a romance.

However, I was wrong. About 9 months into our relationship, things changed. For me, I was still in the lovey-dovey stage because I wasn't used to going from woman to woman. She on the other hand was a little more free spirited so her lovey-dovey timeframe was shorter than mine. She was in relationships the past few years. Nothing wrong with that but she was already in the game. I was just with friends so I wasn't in a romantic relationship all those years. So yeah, for me it was a new romance and the lovey-dovey moment lasted longer for me. No fault of any of us for this. Just normal life stuff.

I recall her telling me that her three biggest relationships, she was dumped. Now I see she what she had was I think what they called counter-dependent and love avoidance. No experience in this stuff but from what I'm learning, people like that are self supportive and take care of their own daily business and life in general. Signs that they are avoiding love and purposely avoid it. So while they are independent, the underlying reason why they do that is their fear. Their fear of trusting others and the consequences of falling for someone. Mind blown!! There are people like that? Really? What the hell?

So when her rose colored glasses faded away, mine was still in full gear. When it faded away from her, her natural state of mine came back and she became independent again while I was still in "romance mode". Near the end, I sensed she was drifting away. Didn't understand it really but no matter really. What matters is now I saw what I became at the end and much as I hate to say and hate to admit it, I became needy. Yup, I became a needy dumb ass person and for this, I am ashamed of myself. I lowered myself to someone I didn't want to become. So I know being Needy is not sexy. I admit, I didn't help keep my relationship going at the time. Let's be honest, I screwed it up even more and I am more to blame than I thought.

That was then. That was 2-3 years ago. Now I see me. The new me and I like myself more now than before. Again, I say breaking up sucks big time but... I had to grow and for me to grow, I can appreciate now that we had to break up. I just wish the present me could go back in time and tell myself that it'll be ok, this will make you a better person believe it or not. I can live with that. I can live my mistakes, my flaws, and that I need to grow to be a better man.

Today, I see better. I have my baskets of life that I know I will have to juggle and not depend on one basket. The basket I'm referring to is the romance basket. Never ever going to do that again. In the next few years, if God permits me to live, I hope I can look back and see once again that I've outgrown my 2020 self and be able to say that I'm an even better man then compared to today.

With this new enlightening that blipped into my head, I look forward to the future ups and downs life is going to offer me. I won't sit idly by too (never did). I going to reach out and grab life by the horns. I will try my best to live it the best way I can. Now that I understand a little more about myself and life, there will be no neediness coming from me ever again. I understand more now about how to love someone else without selling myself out. Not done with the book yet but I made it a goal to read more non-techie books. At least for now while I'm on temp disability and not having to read any techie books. I was thinking audio books too if time is an issue. That way, I can listen while driving to/from work or while driving in general. I already have Amazon prime, storage, kindle books, and music so I may as well subscribe to their audio books too.

That's all I got diary. Owning to my mistakes, my flaws. Still learning to be a real man. My agenda for today? Some jump roping. Probably going to take it easy and just do a couple hundred jumps. Time for my 10 year vaccine. Didn't even know I had to. It's for Tetanus, Diphtheria, and Whooping cough. I didn't even know we still do those shots. My online med chart indicates I need it again and it was 10 years since I had those shots. Then a run to Costco just so I can get out of the house. Maybe get one of their mutant chicken that is so big, it's bursting out of the rotisserie container. Also need a new bouquet of flowers. This last one looks kind of droopy but it lasted 2 or 3 weeks now so it's time.

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