2020-09-30 16:52:19 (UTC)

Looks aren't everything

Once more I find myself having to defeat my head and it’s in a very bad way. Something said something that has me questioning myself once more. ”I like when a female looks good when we hang out,” A little back story here. I’ve always had body issues. I’ve always been self-conscious to the point it became for a time an obsession. I was called fat towards the end of 7th grade. By the time I started 8th grade I had gone from 125-135 lbs to about roughly 90 lbs. Partly from anorexia but also because my birthgiver believed that Burger King was perfect for a growing daughter to eat all the time. She also didn’t buy food for the house. I became fully obsessed with my weight also because of her which would cause me problems for the rest of my life. She was between 300-500 lbs through her whole life. I did eventually beat it, but I will always have some lingering effects from it. Now this particular person that said this was someone I knew a long time ago. I am supposed to visit them coming in the future and now I’m second guessing that choice. Since seeing that I’ve had some old hells awakened. I’ve been working hard lately to lose weight the healthy way because I do need to get down to a healthy weight. I am by no means a perfect zero and I don’t do makeup. There’s a story to that too. I couldn’t understand why that one line was eating at me until my head broke loose fully. So, I’m going to be spending money to visit only to find when I get there because I’m far from perfect 24/7 that they won’t want to be seen with me. I already have someone that pulls that shit that I’m trying to get away from but now there’s 2 of them. Great. So, because I’m not this image you project on me, I’m not worthy of your time? The fight begins again. Fighting to keep going in the healthy way. Fighting to once more accept what I look like and not trying to go back to then. Trying to keep myself from crashing. It’s going to be hell. And of course, I get to do it all my own again.

I said I wasn’t a makeup kind of girl. Well here’s the real story. My birthgiver was always jealous of me and neglected to teach me a lot of things that mothers should teach their daughters. I had to learn to shave after a ton of ridicule from the girls at school. She didn’t bother to teach me anything that girls normally learn from their mothers. Not how to do my hair. Not how to do makeup. None of that. And back then (before Youtube ever existed) girls didn’t want to teach other girls or help them. I admit that it does my heart good to see it now where queens help each other. Then? Not a chance. They would be sure to tear anyone that didn’t “fit in” down quick. It really gave those of us that didn’t fit in a real complex. Body issues, self-conscious, angry, hateful. Wonder where the Karens came from? Most of them came from one camp or the other. Self-entitled, was handed everything, narcissistic, thinks everyone owes them. The other camp? Those one that I described being torn down. They evolved from that to what they are now. I came from a family with money except my birthgiver lived off her father up until he died. Then she expected everyone else to keep that going. When I refused, I became more hated than anyone else or I had ever been by her. Because we didn’t have the money that the rest of the family did, we didn’t count, and they wrote us off. I’ve tried learning makeup in later years and well not so much. I just chalk it up to things like “oh I live in Florida. It’s too hot for that.” Or some other excuse outside of I just don’t know how. I do try on those rare occasions (weddings, funerals, from time to time just because). I’m still not good at it, but oh well. Still, I had to learn those things on my own.

I’ve had to learn relationships on my own as well. I’ve been told that I’m not relationship material and well just see my adventures in dating to know the rest. I’m resigned to that. The guy I want is emotionally unavailable, borderline toxic. Loves my money when I am giving it away to him. Has no respect or appreciation for me. Can’t even talk to me or be honest. Shocker. Not really. I don’t get much in the way of offers and just have given up. The person that had said that line to me awakened some real bad shit and I’ve been second guessing myself since. I’ve been seriously tempted to just drop the weight the old way like I used to so that it’s gone and maybe I’d have some offers. I’m slipping to feeling like I should just break down and do what guys want because what options do I have? And the one that I do want basically can’t seem to make up his mind so fuck it. He’s in for a shock eventually. And he really needs to stop pretending he cares when he actually doesn’t. It’s just not attractive in the least little bit. That means stop asking if I’ve eaten. I’ve done well to take care of myself to this moment and I’m not dead yet. (key word, yet.) I’ll be fine up until the day they put me in the ground. I guess I’m not terribly bad off. I doubt I’ll be going to visit though. If I wouldn’t be good enough how I am, the fuck I want to spend all that money, travel there, just so you can decide I’m not perfect enough to “rep” you while I’m there. Who the fuck are you to think that I should be anything but myself? That I’m not good enough because I’m not to your standards to be caught hanging out with? Whatever. I got other things to do and focus on. Same with the other one. You like the money but not me? Okay. What’s given can easily be taken. Might want to consider paying up. I’m not the one keeping the books. That’s Karma’s job. She might need a nudge though and I can help with that. Don’t run to me when it all falls apart. I tried once. Oh, and you don’t get to choose what stresses me and what doesn’t. Why? Because you’re not me so you don’t know. Between the two of you I gotta say that you’re making me feel the way I do. Congrats on that. So don’t be surprised when you’re not there when I’m winning.