Lullaby of Woe

Diary of the lost
2020-09-30 13:35:10 (UTC)

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I read somewhere on Facebook that being suicidal doesn't necessarily mean trying to die. Sometimes it means not putting any effort into living. I know, Facebook isn't a good source of knowledge or facts but it struck a cord in me. Every night I pray that when I go to sleep, I won't wake up in the morning and when that morning comes and I open my eyes, I'm terribly disappointed. I eat food that fell to the ground or been bitten by something or not knowing the expiration date saying that "If I die, I die". I'm still waiting for that to happen. I spend 90% of my day staring into the screen of my laptop and phone in the hopes that the radiation would eventually kill me or at least put me into a coma or give me brain damage, though the last two doesn't sit so well with me since I don't want to be a burden to anyone.

My fragile mental health is so bad that even seeing a Facebook post of my friends mentioning their work sends me into a spiral of anxiety and fuels my desire to die even more. The other day I unintentionally made the delivery guy wait outside because I received his text messages late. He very, very lightly told me that they couldn't wait long for me because they have other deliveries to make. That was enough to have me sobbing the moment I went back in my house.

My mental state is a mess. I know I need help but I can't afford professional help. The only person I talk to is my boyfriend and he isn't exactly great at comforting words, or serious conversations for that matter. My bestfriend is terribly busy with her career and couldn't even afford to reply after 3 exchanges through chat. My other bestfriend is too shallow and I'm afraid that what he would say to me would only make things worse. I'm not close enough with the rest of my friends to pour out my heart and soul to them. Not to mention that they may also be dealing with their own hell, and I don't want to contribute to that.

If I wasn't so afraid of going to hell, I would've slit my throat long ago. I'm not religous, agnostic actually, but eternal damnation doesn't sound any better than the hell that I'm going through right now.