Subtropical Lady

Where Pelicans Fly
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2020-10-12 11:00:22 (UTC)

October 2020 (1)

10/1/2020 Thursday noon

My free 30 days are up on OD. Yeah, so much for thinking they now allow free members because I could have sworn I signed up with that email address before but I guess not. So I signed up as “Mishanda” with another email address I also thought I used before, but it let me create an account. I'll have the entries expire just like with “Social Distancing.”

While I would never want to be alone as much as I once was, some alone time would be nice every now and then. Especially since we're not always on opposite schedules. He needs to go back to work so they don't demand he pay the Unemployment back because he retired but at the same time, I worry about him returning to work before a vaccine is available.

I hate how I can't disable notifications from Fitbit on my phone. I disable them but then the sneaky bastards turn them back on. And of course, I know better than to reach out to them about it because as I've noticed, things are always my fault. I have to empty the cache, clear cookies, reload browsers, or do something. It's never their fault.

I used the scale he's been using which measures your muscle, fat, water and whatever else. I have 93 lbs of lean muscle. According to that and the lowest percentage of fat I can have for my size and age, I can't possibly go below 120 lbs which is exactly what I figured. However, I could still stand to lose those 30 lbs I know I'm never going to lose. It got to me yesterday for the first time in a while. I've convinced myself to just accept what I can't change and have been mostly okay with it, understanding that this is just the way my body is meant to be due to my thyroid and probably all kinds of other factors like genetics, the country I live in, my age, etc. It really is pointless to cry over what can't be changed. Yeah, I'd love to have two normal ears, but I never have and I never will so it's best to just accept that and make peace with it. I try to find the good in the bad but sometimes it's not easy.

I miss being lighter not so much because I’d look better but because it just made all kinds of things easier. Life in general was easier because I was more flexible and I could do things easier like running, jumping jacks, and more. But there's no way I could get my calories low enough consistently enough and then expect to keep the weight off. As long as I'm healthy, the extra weight hasn't killed me yet. Limits me in some ways, yes, but that's about it. I'm sure it doesn't help my blood pressure and cholesterol but again, there's nothing I can do about it so why wish for what can’t be?

For the last 2 or 3 days, I’ve had strange intermittent chest and back pain and I'm not sure if it's my lungs, muscles or something else. I noticed I woke up with a sharp pain below my left shoulder blade, but it eventually turned itself off like a switch. Then after I was on the skier, it came back and eventually stopped. Tom thinks it sounds like exercise-induced asthma, but that's not normal for me. That's not the type of asthma I have. I sure hope it's not angina but as far as I know, my heart is still healthy. Although, my HR variability isn't that good according to Fitbit’s health metrics.

Had a dream that someone stole Rockefeller. I don't know where we were living but I was attending these classes of some kind outdoors. We sat in a rectangular-shaped grassy area. I left class early one time because the sun was too strong and wondered how we’d stand it in the summer.

Then, as the sun was setting, I put Rockefeller outside in that area to get some fresh air. Apparently, I made a habit of putting the pigs out there every now and then. Later, when it was just about dark, I realized it was going to be too chilly out for him, so I went out to retrieve him and found someone had stolen him, cage and all. I shined the flashlight on my phone around the area but couldn't find him. I felt saddened and on the verge of panic. I didn’t panic, though, knowing it wouldn’t do me any good.

I re-entered our place through an attached garage, moved a small rodent wheel off to the side of the carpeted steps, then led into the house, trying to figure out where he could be, who might have taken him, and what to do from there. I hated to break the bad news to Tom.

Aly changed handles again and then her account disappeared, but it might not be because of me. Could be because she's fed up with dealing with Molly’s constant negative moods and stupidity. Precisely why I do everything I can to avoid the mentally/emotionally ill. I guess now she’s harassing a celeb, Nick Carter. Someone posed as him and contacted her and she seems to think it’s him, so she’s pissed since she has a crush on the guy. When Aly tweeted, “No, I'm not going to clarify this, but some people, some situations, just aren't worth the effort or the headache,” Molly was the first one to come to mind. Could be Kim, though.

10/3/2020 Saturday 1:31 p.m.

That's the second time I cut myself on the slicer. If I'm going to be such a dumbass, I should get rid of it. Then Tom suggested we get cut-resistant gloves. Great idea since we bleed so easily when we get older. If we bled like this at 16, I doubt I would have survived my cutter years. So we measured each other’s hands and he's going to get large gray gloves while I'm going to get small pink ones, which may still be a little big on me.

I'm totally done with Androids the next time I need a new phone! It will definitely be time to try an iPhone because I'm tired of how hard they make it to block numbers. I got a $350 Samsung yet blocking numbers is a huge pain in the ass. It's almost like they want you to be pestered. But after the second time Viking Cruises called swearing it wasn't a sales call but just that they wanted to see how I, a total stranger, was doing, I felt it was time to block them, knowing there would be more calls to come. It's probably some tactic to get around illegal spam calls, even though my phone still marked them as suspected spam. Plus, there are probably people out there dumb enough to fall for their shit.

While it was easy to get a kick out of the president getting the virus, I knew damn well he would be just fine. Not only do most people survive it but when you have the best care in the world that no one else could ever hope to have, well...

I still don't think he'll be re-elected, fortunately, but came to realize that if this isn't a publicity stunt he's pulling, it could garner enough sympathy to up his votes. Let's hope not!

Yesterday I tried to scrub and brush off the adhesive residue building up on my nails but didn't have much luck. I've been determined to avoid nail polish remover because of how damaging it is. But then I realized it doesn't have to be so all or nothing and used some anyway along with soaking my nails and warm soapy water for a while. It helped a little.

I applied some dark red nail polish strips yesterday that darken to a blackish color at the tips, but they were such horrible quality just like someone else said in the reviews and started chipping away just hours later. It usually takes about four days before the strips start peeling back from the tips. So I removed them and put on what's become my favorite brands so far. These are light sparkly red with pink undertones that you can see in bright lighting. Much nicer color.

I'm now waiting 40 minutes before I have my coffee until after lab day. Trying not to worry about what the numbers may end up being because they are what they are and there's only so much control I have over them.

The closest I came to having a Calms Forte nightmare was this dream that took place in an apartment building I was living in by myself. I went to visit a male neighbor out of friendliness and kindness which isn't anything I'd likely do these days since I'm not a sociable person, and felt uncomfortable and regretted my decision to visit him as soon as I stepped inside his place.

Strangely enough, I placed a few piles of clothing on a table and my bottle of medication.

When the guy hinted at having raped someone in the past, I grabbed my medication and stormed back to my apartment.

Then I realized I forgot to take my other things with me. Determined not to let some sicko scare me, the dream ended with me determined to retrieve my stuff after grabbing a knife and resolving in my mind to stab him no matter what he did because the world would be safer without him. Antisocial or not, disgusted with humanity in general or not, I felt I was doing a service to society by taking such a creepy character out.

Still not sure whether Aly deactivated on Twitter because she figured out that I found her or because she got sick of dealing with Molly. Her cryptic tweet suggests it has to do with Molly and her usual shit, but the timing is a bit coincidental since I casually (or so I thought) mentioned some things she mentioned.

10/4/2020 Sunday 8:34 p.m.

Been smoke-free for 23 years now!

A middle-aged woman wrote about how her husband rejects her sexually and how she blames herself and feels alone and humiliated. I told her not to and that men with low appetites are not only more common than people realize but they don't usually warn the woman up front. Instead, they make lame excuses as to why they say no to sex, and in her case, it’s so his son doesn't find the sounds of them getting it on in the adjoining room to be “weird” like he did with his own parents. I'm sure there are other things as well and like I told her, not only is she not alone and not at fault, but he's likely to never change. People are who they are sexually just like with personalities. She has to either love him enough to stay and take care of herself or leave the guy.

I still feel bad for her. Because the guy had to hold out and let his ego, embarrassment and pride or whatever get in the way, she has to be sexually deprived when she's got another decade or so to go of horniness. It's definitely frustrating and embarrassing to have to beg your partner to get some not that begging will always get you what you want or need. I totally understand her contemplating cutting him off sexually altogether as I often did with Tom, not that he's going to miss her advances. But as she said, you can't be rejected if you don't ask for something to begin with.

Made baked tofu for the first time with soy sauce and olive oil which I seasoned to taste, and it was just okay. I felt it needed spinach, so I looked up spinach tofu recipes and found one that I'm going to try soon.

Looking forward to trying my triple-head toothbrush that's coming Tuesday as well as the two jewelry kits we ordered. They're $10 bracelet-making kits for kids but I figured that would be good to get started with and learn the ropes yet not be too much material to have to pack and move. One is a rainbow kit and the other is neon, both totally my kind of thing. Only one of the kits will be coming Tuesday. The other one will take six more days to get here because it's not currently in stock.

We both went walking earlier but it was a bit warm, so we didn't walk for too long. Besides, we hadn't gone by the lake in quite a while so that's where we went.

Really hope the fucking motorcycles don't wake me up tomorrow and that there were only so many of them because it was Sunday. Not sure if they actually woke me up or I was waking up right at the time I happened to hear them but they're going to be a regular part of the rest of my life so I may as well get used to them. Just hopefully not so damn close to the house in the next place. My appointment at the lab isn't until 3:30, so the later I sleep, the less time I have to be hungry. Since I'll be up quite late, I also have to remember to stop eating after 3 a.m. and guzzle lots of water before the appointment since it’ll help enlarge my microscopic veins.

Decided to deactivate my Krista Twitter account because I just don't see myself having a convenient way to do voice tweets anytime soon.

Determined to get through the night with as little anxiety, worries and depression as possible. Something about the nights, as peaceful as they are, for the most part, can bring on some negative emotions. I've got to come up with some kind of fun game to keep me distracted because sometimes the things I usually do just aren’t enough. I miss some aspects of the old me. The one that didn't feel this way. The one that had working hormones and could get horny and experience the fun of crushes and using those crushes as characters in stories. I'm slowly working on finishing my short story but it's still not the same. I miss the days when I would eagerly look forward to seeing if I could catch someone like Nane or Maliheh online as phony as they both turned out to be. When things were new and exciting.

Hate to say it, but I’m not so sure dying sooner than expected would be entirely a bad thing. I mean what am I to do with myself for the next 20 years??? The same old, same old? Yeah, I guess so other than the days we’re not moving or vacationing which, of course, aren’t many at all.

10/5/2020 Monday 8:55 p.m.

Finally have some free time after a long and busy day. I managed to sleep until 2 hours before blood work, so I didn't have to go to hungry for long. The phlebotomist said she can't stand to fast, so she draws her own blood at home, LOL.

She didn't have too much trouble finding a vein. There was a little trouble, but the main problem was that it was like my arm ran out of blood. She needed to take 2.5 tubes and once we got to the last two it stopped flowing. She was only able to get a little bit into the last vial so she asked me if I wanted to chance it and hope it was enough and that I wouldn't have to come back or if she should poke me again. I told her to go ahead and poke me again, and this time she drew from the other arm. The blood flowed freely and quickly enough. Didn't end up too dizzy or anything either. Just a little bruise on my arm but it doesn't hurt.

I was glad to find my triple-head toothbrush and one of the jewelry kits arrived today, a day early. I'll play around with the kit after I post this.

The toothbrush is wonderful! Love how I can hit all the teeth thoroughly in less than a minute. It's just a little tricky getting around the area where the molars meet the I-teeth because there's more of a curve in that area. Love it so far and it seems to be totally worth it.

Visited Dixie and OMG! I don't want to ghost her, but I don't want to deal with her as much anymore because she's getting worse and worse. I'm kind of torn. I'm not obligated to the woman, but I also don't want to seem uncaring either. I empathize with her, but a person has their limits as to how much they can deal with. She's become very moody and even more forgetful and contradicting, switching subjects rapidly, etc. At one point she jumped down my throat and got all defensive and for a split second, I contemplated walking out on her. She did admit that she's been grouchy lately and that she seems to be chewing the heads off of just about everybody. She's already lost friends over it. Hate to say it, but I can kind of see why her daughter won't have anything to do with her and why her son rarely comes around.

She also told me she was diagnosed with 4 benign brain tumors 15 years ago and goes for MRIs every year. Wow, what a scary thing to have to live with!

She also says she thinks Margaret died, the old lady that would send me jokes regularly. Not sure how but if I can believe anything Dixie says (it was hard to hear her soft voice over the roar of the freeway), she may have gotten the virus. I never met Margaret in person, of course, but Dixie's known her for many years. She was very wealthy, she said. She got rich twice. First she made a lot of money off the stock market and then she inherited 4 million dollars. And we couldn't even get rich once let alone twice, LOL. Talk about life not being fair! Anyway, I couldn't find an obituary, but as I've learned, it's not always easy to find these things.

When I read someone's post about how they're sick of reading about people being triggered by “the dumbest” things when there are people with worse problems in third-world countries, I will admit it kind of pissed me off and I let them have it. Usually, I let others have their own beliefs and opinions but this one got to me because I hate how so many people seem to think that just because someone may have it worse that this automatically devalues their problems when of course it doesn't. At least not to me. To say that people shouldn't feel bad because others have it worse is like saying people shouldn't be happy because there are others that are happier. I told her this, but she wasn't bright enough to get it, saying this statement made no sense.

I also told her that rather than complain about what others choose to write in their own journals, why bother reading them? She is, after all, being rather hypocritical after she agreed with me not too long ago that people should have freedom of expression.

Lastly, not all depression and anxiety spells are triggered by something people see, hear or experience. Some people have medical disorders and hormonal imbalances that cause these feelings. And I HATE it when people say that those who commit suicide are selfish! Damn, do I hate that. People can only take so much suffering. We all have our limits and our breaking point, and anyone that says, “Oh, God doesn’t give us more than we can handle,” is truly kidding themselves. That would be wonderful if that were true, but something eventually kills us all, like it or not.

Okay, off to get my feet wet with making jewelry!

10/7/2020 Wednesday 12:15 a.m.

La Vie est Belle (Life is Beautiful). That's the name of the perfume sample I got in the mail today. It's pretty nice.

My throat felt scratchy and I'm having quite a bit of fatigue today almost as if I'm coming down with something. I don't think I am, though. I just wish I knew what was causing these random bouts of fatigue and what to do about them. I'm guessing it's just a normal part of aging. Not sure if I'll have the energy to finish my short story or if I'm going to do Nano this year or not. I just don't have the imagination I used to. Well, it's not so much that I don't have the imagination as it is the drive to do it. No biggie either way.

Yesterday I said I can do my teeth in less than a minute but it's actually one minute total which is half the time of a regular toothbrush. You're supposed to spend 15 seconds on each quadrant of teeth, as they call it. So when you're hitting both sides at once, that two minutes becomes one minute. It seems to do a great job overall but I'm not sure about the very back teeth. Guess I'll find out when I go for my next dental check-up in February.

The cabernet sauvignon I got earlier looks and tastes like merlot so it's a good thing I like my new toothbrush. I brush right after I drink it, so it doesn't get a chance to stain my teeth.

It’s been a day of Rite Aid, a walk down to the lake, goodies in the mail, and picky piggies. We got treats for rodents and rabbits, but the pigs aren't the least bit interested in them. Of course the rat is because they'll eat anything.

The bruise in the crook of my arm is healing. She put a plastic hot pack on my arm before poking me because that helps bring blood to the surface. Then she shook the tubes once they were filled because that releases an anticoagulant, she told me.

My lab results are pending until tomorrow afternoon. I'll be asleep at that time so he's going to check them out and email me anything that's in red so that while I'm waking up I’ll know what's up without having to muddle through tons of numbers for tons of different tests, half of which I don't even know what they're for. My habit is to take my pill, set the timer, then hit my computer till it’s coffee time.

I'm sure the problems will be the usual things...TSH, cholesterol...but there's also a little concern with red and white blood cell counts and a tiny bit of concern with glucose though I'm guessing my glucose will be normal. I'm not that fat and I'm pretty active. I know it goes up with age, though, so if it is elevated, I highly doubt it will be medication kind of elevated.

The ACV shots seem to be helping with my blood pressure as well as keeping my weight down and other things.

Really wish they would hurry up and get the vaccine available, but the US is going to go about it all wrong while the UK will go about it the way that makes sense. The correct way is to give it to those over 50 first or who are most vulnerable to the virus. Here, the rich are going to get it first.

He got a smart tape measure in the mail to help track his progress. I didn't know there was such a thing. It seems like just about everything is “smart” these days. You stick it around you, press a button and it snugly fits around you without squeezing you or anything. So my wrist is 5.8 inches. About 6 inches is ideal for bracelets for me.

This particular jewelry kit is not easy. When you're blind and you have long nails, it's definitely hard work to pry open chain links. Not all of the bracelet designs use chains, though, so some of them will be easier. There are a couple that are made with colored wax cords but there's no way in hell I can get the smaller beads on them. The string is simply too thick. I saw that someone else complained about that in the reviews. Nonetheless, I made my first one and while it's too big for me even though it's meant for children, it came out well. Looks just like something you might find in Walmart or Target.

There are other kits that I probably should have gotten that would be much easier to work with but that won't limit my creativity. Basically, I want to stay away from chains and findings and mostly stick to stretchy stuff or at least something that can be slipped onto the wrist or over the head easily enough.

Can't deny that I'm kind of relieved whenever they don’t call him for a job he applies for since I still worry about him working before the vaccine is available to us. There was a job for a receptionist at our local PD which he would have applied for if it weren’t for his hearing issues. So he can’t apply for anything where good hearing matters.

We're starting to wonder if I'm going to be able to vote even if it's no crisis if I can't. He got this voter’s card in the mail and ballot, but I haven't gotten anything, yet which makes me think we screwed up with signing me up. We weren't sure whether or not I was supposed to send in something that I didn't send in, so maybe that's why I haven't gotten anything.

10/8/2020 Thursday 12:33 a.m.

Signing in on a very exhausted and frustrating note. I slept really badly because I kept waking up due to stressing over my numbers which are shitty as hell. I've had very little energy to do much more than anything above and beyond what I need to do. Again I question whether or not I should ever get any more pets if I'm going to continue to be this tired this often. I hope that a fresh start in a new place will change things for the better but can’t count on that.

My numbers are much worse than I expected them to be. I expected my TSH to be between 12 and 14 and it's a 13 so that one is where I expected it to be. But I didn't think my cholesterol would be off the charts high at just over 300 or that my glucose would jump from 101 to 110. I knew my white blood cell count would be slightly elevated, and it is, but wasn't sure about the red blood cell count. I knew that could be normal since it is at times. But that one is slightly elevated as well. Not sure what to make of it. My white blood cell count has been high for as long as I can remember but I'm not sure what the red blood cell count means. Could be just the way I am, or it could be as the hematologist said about it being slightly high for a while and then taking off quickly and becoming a problem. I think, however, that at my age it likely would have done that by now if it was going to so I'm not too worried about it. My biggest concerns right now are whether or not to take statins and how to keep from becoming diabetic. Apparently, it's not just about weight and activity levels but genetics as well and those aren’t in my favor at all.

I'm torn on the statins but as I told my doctor on the portal after missing a call from her damn nurse, this one speaking in a foreign accent I can't place but could still understand, I would like it to be Simvastatin if I decide to go that route because I don't think I had any problems in the past with those during the brief time I was on them.

But yeah, again the nurse called to “ask a question” and as I also told my doctor, who I reminded that I have circadian rhythm disorder and am on nights now, I missed her call. Also, I've asked numerous times to be contacted via the portal, yet they still go and call anyway. So that right there was pretty frustrating on top of everything else. I'm guessing the question was either, “Can you do a video appointment?” Or “Do you finally have the guts to take statins?”

I’d guess she wants to do a vid appt since our appt is in less than two weeks, but I don’t know. I would have thought she’d want to listen to my heart.

The red spot on my arms looks like it might be healing and not need to be sprayed.

I know I shouldn't be that worried since this is all stuff that can be dealt with, but this is America. The sicker you are and the more medication you need, the more you could go into debt unless you have tons of money. We need to be focused on moving now, not my fucking health.

There are pros and cons to taking statins. Obviously, the cons are that they're potentially dangerous and might not do me any good since they're not always guaranteed to save you from strokes and heart attacks. But then if I don't take them, maybe I'll die younger and help even out our lifespans with Tom being older. Maybe if I die younger, that's less time to be bored with doing the same old fucking things decade after decade, being tired, sleeping shitty, listening to people's shit…

I just can't guarantee myself there won't be an afterlife whenever I die that could be potentially worse than my worst days on Earth. For some reason, it's a hell of a lot easier to tell myself I have no reason to think I won't be sent to hell, if there is such a thing as heaven and hell, as it is to tell myself I have no reason to think I won't make it to heaven. Even though I'm not a crazed murderer and my heart is far from the darkest, I do fear the worst. The pessimist in me, I guess.

So much for taking these shots for helping with my cholesterol but they're definitely helping with other things. My blood pressure has been better, and I don't have as much hip pain. Guess turmeric is supposed to help with inflammation. I'm trying the one with ginger now and it tastes a little better.

Since I just can't seem to get my numbers straight no matter what, I read the toothbrush manual and they do recommend 30 seconds per quadrant with a regular toothbrush and not 15. So that's a total of 2 minutes. While brushing with my triple-head toothbrush for 2 minutes certainly wouldn't hurt, one minute is sufficient enough. I actually brush for a little over a minute because it's tricky coming around to the front teeth which was also mentioned. I hate it when the plastic part of the toothbrush rattles against my teeth.

We're going to start using regular bedding for both pigs instead of the fleece liners because the bedding keeps them cleaner. We’ll change them both every 5 days.

The Spiritual incense I got from Walmart doesn't smell the greatest but it's better than poison. Since we're going to have to bomb our future house more often where all kinds of scary shit lives, they would be good for when we air the place out.

Last night I made my prettiest bracelet yet in shades of pink with shiny gold accents. I just didn't do the greatest job of tying off the “diamond.” I should have linked it instead. The stretchy clear plastic cord is definitely way easier to work with than chains or that thicker waxy cord.

I had a handful of weird, senseless dreams. In one, I was leaving a crowded restaurant or cafeteria in which many young and loud people were enjoying pizza and things like that. I went to leave and found that I had to climb over one of the tables and squeeze through a window in order to do so. I took off my jacket to make it easier.

Once I got home, I realized I left my jacket at the place, so I went back and retrieved it from the manager who brought it to her office.

Tom and I were browsing through a department store in the next dream and I was showing him this really nice crop top with fringes that I liked with matching tights, but I didn't buy anything.

Then we left the store and started walking through some side streets. I lost my sense of direction and asked where we were. He named the street, whatever it was, saying some barbershop was nearby.

Then we went to a Chinese fast food place and I hoped they would have American food for Tom's since he didn't eat Chinese. Most of the tables were empty but had shit all over them. Tom began to clear one off. I looked up at the menu and then when I looked back at Tom, he was gone. I looked in the other direction and found him returning from the soda fountain with a drink in his hand.

Then a couple of women with a baby left and I was glad, not wanting to have to deal with it if it started screaming.

Lastly, I looked down at the floor where a tiny bicycle made of gold metal was wheeling across the floor. It only made it a few feet before it toppled over.

10/9/2020 Friday midnight

Got my Wonderlust perfume sample in the mail. It smells lovely and similar to the last one. Very feminine and not something I could imagine a less girly girl/woman caring for.

I'm in a much better mood than I was in yesterday. I also stayed up long enough to call my doctor's nurse. The one with the funny accent I can't place (Eastern Europe?) that almost sounds like she's deliberately trying to sound goofy when she says my name. She was easy enough to understand but even so, I really hope to deal with more American medical staff at the new place. Even though it's been a million years since I left my home state of Massachusetts, of all the doctors I had, not one of them wasn't from there except for one Filipino woman. Still wish I could take my dentist, ENT, and very Ecuadorian-sounding PCP with me so I wouldn’t have to start all over again, but it won't kill me to do so.

I guessed wrong on what question the nurse wanted to ask me. They really need to get better organized, too! It should not only be in my records that I prefer the portal to the phone but they also should know that there’s no cause for alarm over my slightly elevated white blood cell count because they've called asking me about it before, and as I told them, I've had this for as long as I can remember. It's simply the way I am.

The doctor later responded to the message that I left Wednesday evening saying she hopes I'm doing well, it's difficult for staff to know who wants to be contacted by the portal or by phone and not all patients are very good like me with communicating through the portal (they’d know if they made notes of these things). She just wanted to know how I was feeling and if I needed an earlier appointment but if I'm feeling well and not having any signs of an infection, please keep my appointment.

What made me laugh was the part where she said that an elevation of white blood cells can be related to multiple things, usually benign, but since it's very mild, please don't Google because they will tell me worse.

LOL, it's a little late for that, Doc.

Still not sure I want to take statins. Even if I didn't have any side effects, I don't know that I want them to help me to live longer. With a husband who’s 8 years older, I just don't want to live to the ripe old age of 90 or something like that. I wouldn’t be able to take care of myself on my own and even if I could, I don't want to spend my last 10-20 years a lonely widow. What the hell would I do with myself all that time? Get a dildo and pretend I'm as horny as a 20-year-old?

Then it was off to beading disasters. I made myself a lovely little rainbow bracelet just to find that I didn't leave enough slack to tie it off. So I restrung the beads on a longer piece of stretchy elastic. Then I used one of the doll’s wrists for leverage to tie it off and what should happen but that the fucking thing slipped out of my fingers and the beads spilled all over the place. So I was like, fuck it. I'm done with beading. No more trying new hobbies because it’s a waste of money. I didn't really enjoy painting and now I'm too blind and clumsy to string a few fucking beads. Today, however, I’ve had rainbow success!

Then I got to end my day with shitty dreams even though I slept better overall. We were living in a huge house with other homeless people. I went to collect the mail just outside the door when he was out job hunting and read the envelopes to make sure they were to us since we shared the mailbox with others.

Tom was struggling to find a job. I said something about being doomed if we ran out of money and he said, “Well, if I can't find a job we're done.”

I knew that “done” meant we would have to kill ourselves because it would be quicker and less painful than slowly dying on the streets. I realized that the thought didn't scare me as much as it did when it was a real possibility when we first came to the state. “At least we would get to go together,” I told him almost happily.

Then I had a weird dream that I met Kim. The one in Connecticut. But instead of being of average height and huge, she was quite tall and as skinny as a rail. We hugged and began talking and I thought she sounded and acted remarkably normal.

10/10/2020 Saturday 1:35 a.m.

OMG, I can't wait to get the fuck out of here! Twice I was woken up today. First by the garbage truck and then by the asshole reading our meter that's underneath a little trap door to the crawl space had to slam the shit out of it, and the banging woke me up. OMG, do I wish I could sleep at night every night! Fuck this motherfucking sleep curse! I'm just so sick of struggling with the same old shit all my life. It didn't really start becoming a problem, though, until the early 90s. I would have to be in serious denial to not believe something up there has a sleep curse on me. I just have no idea who/what it is or why it was put on me. Is it some twisted form of compensation for not having to wake up to an alarm 5 days a week for a job outside of the house? I just have no idea what it’s about or what to do about it. We can't do anything about the garbage trucks but Tom is going to fix the trap door so it can't be slammed when they close it. So I won't have to be woken up by at least that much for the six or seven more readings that will be done while we're still here, even though I will be awake some of those times. I'm not always on nights, thank God, even though it sure has been peaceful. But in the daytime, there's just no getting any sleep next to such a large and busy street with so much loud traffic.

I don't understand how anyone can stand to work graves and sleep in the daytime unless they're in a very quiet area or the heaviest sleepers on Earth. Really, it's just fucking ridiculous. I've lived in dozens of places yet never before have garbage trucks or meter readers been an issue. Never. The only other places that were extreme when it came to noise waking me up were apartments. And even those might not have been so bad if I’d had the sound machine setup I have now.

It's just so fucking ridiculous that the world has come to this. How can anyone stand it? having to listen to it when I'm awake is almost as bad as being woken up by it.

I almost called off Florida in exchange for getting a piece of land in the middle of nowhere in the desert since I realize I could be going from bad to worse. If they pick up trash twice a week and mow once a week, this could mean being woken up three times a week. And that's not counting motorcycles, projects, storms or whatever other shit may be going on there.

But then I realized that my sleep is going to be cursed no matter what I do or where I go. However, there are places where I'll be less likely to be woken up by outside shit (I’ve lived in them before) and we're going to make damn sure that ends up being the case. For one, we're going to be in an area that doesn't have a fraction of the traffic we've got here, and then there are a couple of other things that Tom pointed out and reminded me of that I’d totally forgotten. Because the roads are so much narrower in the parks there and set up differently, they probably don't have such huge loud garbage trucks. I didn't realize that garbage trucks came in different sizes, but it does make sense. When I picture the termite’s park, I can see UPS trucks and I know they do go there, but it would be very hard to get such a giant monster of a truck like these garbage trucks through those windy streets. Those streets tend to curve and twist a lot more than here. We do have some curvy sections but for the most part, it's like a grid. Not as much as Phoenix was, but still.

Lastly, now that he won't be working, he'll have the time to soundproof the place room by room, starting with a bedroom. We've had the money, but he hasn't had the time otherwise we would have done it here. But between him having no time and us deciding we don't want to spend the rest of our lives here, it was never done. I would love to soundproof the place even if I could always sleep at night! Warm climates are much noisier than cold and there's no way I'm going to freeze my ass off just because people can't shut up. So soundproofing would be great. Even when I'm awake, the last thing I want is to sit and listen to people's mutts barking, their kids screaming, they're fucking power tools and whatever.

Surprisingly, though, even though there was a few-hour break between my sleep, I'm not nearly as exhausted as I expected to be. I had a large meal early on and I wonder if that has anything to do with it. I still don't expect to be as productive as I was last night. Last night I was really on a roll with the jewelry making and cranked out a couple of bracelets as well as did several other things. Tonight I'm just doing laundry and dishes and of course, taking care of the animals.

I can't wait to be pet-free! I just get tired of the work, the cost, and oh, the horrible smell even with air cleaners! Yes, I’ll miss their cuteness but a break from pets is definitely in order.

I was going through my mind as to whether or not I wanted to leave the pigs’ fleece liners here or donate them and then it hit me…why not give them and the puppy pads to the rat? Being a rat, he'll certainly have fun chewing them up. I don't want to take the puppy pads on the off chance I change my mind about a dog because they leak. I think the pigs’ nails poked holes in them over time.

I ordered some more stretchy elastic cord as well as beads in 24 different colors. Finally found the stretchy string I was looking for. It's really cheap so I threw a roll that was just a few bucks in the cart for our next order, along with some lava and bicone crystal glass beads. There are so many different kinds of beads. The ones I have coming are seed beads.

For some reason, my lungs got tight for a little while yesterday and the day before. Just when I was contemplating taking a hit off my inhaler, however, they relaxed. Not sure what that was about.

We checked my glucose when I got up. 108. I'm guessing that with the way it works I'll never be under 100 again.

Just glanced at my latest Twitter poll. So more people are not tired of hearing about race and racism every single fucking day than not? I don't get that. I just don't. They complain over and over again that they hear about the same people and the same this and that which they're sick of, yet they can't get enough of this particular subject? I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised. After all, it's been a national obsession since the 90s. It still gets to me not just because of the constant repetition but because I still believe most cases are either fabricated or at least exaggerated. There are two sides to every story and the media gets to choose which side to portray and that’s usually those that most of the country is going to believe and sympathize with. But come on, do we really believe others don't have it just as bad or worse? Are we really going to tell ourselves that gays and lesbians don't have it a whole lot worse? But we won't hear about them very often because that's not who the people care about.

I lost two of the nail strips I put on last night, so I put on another set. Thicker ones may hide ridges but they're not as secure and they ripple on the edges. Glitter makes everything better when it comes to duller colors. This set has kidney bean and salmon colors that are just so-so. A couple of them came with gold specks and then I threw a coat of glitter over the others and now it looks good.

10/11/2020 Sunday 12:18 a.m.

Here we go with a fucking skunk smell again. Really hope those aren't a problem in Florida! I don't think they will be. They seem to be mostly in in-between climates. It's horrible. I've smelled more skunks in just one year here than in my entire life elsewhere. I don't think they dwell in deserts like Arizona (I don’t remember seeing or smelling any down there) or subtropical climates like Florida. I know they're up in Oregon because I saw one once but even there they're not nearly as abundant as they are here. This is the worst climate to be in when it comes to skunks.

Even though I slept 9 hours and 2 minutes, my sleep score was 85 instead of 86 like it was yesterday when I only slept for 5 hours and 31 minutes, and I do feel more tired today too.

Managed to load up the beads into their plastic compartment case, which is surprisingly heavy when full, and I have different ideas in mind for various designs. I might start with a necklace where I have a set amount of the same color in front and then a random mix at the sides.

I was kind of pissed at first that they didn't load the beads into the case but this way I could load them in the exact order I wanted. Even the brown glass is nice. The only ones that are so-so are the solid red and orange, along with the silverish gray that's kind of dull. But hey, I'm a woman. How many of us actually like gray? I knew a couple that did actually, and neither was very feminine. Oh well, to each their own. I like my girly colors...pinks and purples, although there are some pretty blues and greens in this set as well. There's a multicolor metallic-looking one that's gorgeous. They're very tiny and come with needles, plus a bonus bag of letter beads. Never been a fan of letter beads but Aly said she liked those, so I made her a letter bracelet I’ll eventually send her with a seed bracelet or necklace. I’ll wait till it’s closer to Christmas.

OMG, though! This skinnier stretchy cord is way easier to work with and tie off! I appreciated the needle threader as well not just because it’s needed but because I just broke one trying to thread the thicker cord with it.

Looking forward to getting the toggle clasps I ordered because I think they'll be much easier when putting bracelets on myself that aren't on stretchy chords. Claw clasps aren’t easy to use, especially with long nails. Magnetic clasps are nice, but they grab onto anything and everything. When loading jewelry onto my jewelry stand, they all want to graph each other and bunch and tangle. Jewelry orgies aren’t, well, very organized.

I'm also looking forward to the bicone crystal glass beads I'm getting as well as some lava beads.

Plus, we're getting beading cement with a very fine needle-like applicator for inserting into the centers of beads to hide knots. That's what I don't like about the last bracelet I did is that the knot shows. I secured it with clear nail polish but it's too big. I should have only knotted it twice and not three times, especially with that cord being thicker.

Lastly, he replaced our ancient firestick with one we can use with Alexa.

I had another moving dream that was senseless but kind of funny. We moved, only it wasn't to Florida but on the California/Nevada line. We lived in one of a series of houses scattered hundreds of feet apart on these lush green rolling hills. I seemed to really like the house but was dismayed to learn that a woman with three no doubt noisy kids were checking out the one for sale next to us. Luckily, she didn't take the house. The Twenties got it instead and the funny part was learning that our house partially extended a few feet into Nevada which was the side they were on. Because of it, we were legally obligated to share part of our land and part of our house with them, including my dresser, LOL. I had to allow Mrs. Twenties to place whatever she wanted on top of half of it and the use of some drawers too.

10/12/2020 Monday 3 a.m.

Sometimes I miss our old house in Maricopa. Not living there but the house. I wouldn't have to vacuum it like I once did before the days of robot vacuums, but it would be a bitch to dust and definitely expensive to heat and cool. It would otherwise be perfect in that we could have the same bedrooms and offices while the den could be a traditional living room setup for if we had company. The living room could be the exercise room and the retreat could be the arts and crafts room.

Fitbit says I only slept 4 hours and 18 minutes. I think I dozed for about 90 minutes in addition but woke up feeling exhausted. I am just so fucking sick and tired of being tired and not knowing what to do about it! I think it's more due to sleeping shitty than my thyroid or anything else. Waking up to pee twice every time I sleep certainly doesn't help let alone other times I wake up for no apparent reason or for loud sounds.

I was surprised when someone said they have to keep their TSH at 1 and that if they go to 2 their hair starts falling out and their GI tract shuts down. But 2 is still normal! And how could just one point make such a big difference? I don't think 13 is that high. Yes, it is kind of high but not outrageous like anything over 20 would be considered. Fatigue is the only hypo symptom I'm having anyway. Maybe a little brain fog but I think that goes with aging and not sleeping so great. I doubt my blood cell counts have anything to do with it or my blood sugar since my blood sugar isn't that high either. At least not yet, and my blood cell counts are ever so slightly elevated.

For now, I was lucky enough to be able to nap for an hour and that seemed to help even if I'm still a bit tired. I changed the rat’s cage, gave everyone some love, attention and food, then I ran the dishes. Still need to work out, edit my story, and I'd like to play around with the crystal and lava beads that came yesterday. They look way more beautiful in person than they did online. :-)

I made a seed bead necklace yesterday with a tassel that came with one of the jewelry kits.

Yesterday we also voted. There were about 8 different questions and people to vote for that I'd never heard of, so we just went democrat/sexist, LOL. There were questions about restoring criminals' right to vote once they got out of prison and then something that would basically allow the favoritism of minorities to continue which I was absolutely against, of course. You should be given a job because you qualify for the job. Not because you're black, Mexican or from another country.

Oh, the laws I would change if I could! All abortions would be free and legal everywhere and so would Death with Dignity.

Even if it was their first offense, all rapists would be killed.

Violence would be a felony everywhere like it should have been ages ago and would receive harsher sentences than the kiters and what people think you wrote or said. For the most part, it's only a felony if a person isn’t white, old, or “important” like a pig, lawyer or doctor. I would change that and scrap hate crimes altogether. Violence is violence no matter why you do it and you would spend many years in prison or even receive death depending on the circumstances surrounding the case if it were up to me. Either way, you would get the same sentence for beating up the janitor as you would the pig. No favoritism or special treatment based on race or occupation.

There are so many laws that are too black and white and then there are some with gray areas that shouldn't be there. There would be no life in prison. That's a complete waste of space and taxpayer money. You would either do weeks, months, years or be killed.

Children would not be allowed to bear children and if they did, they would be forced to choose between abortion or adoption.

Automatic abortions for those guaranteed to be born with seriously crippling and debilitating diseases and conditions. No parent should be allowed to be so selfish as to insist a child be born to suffer.

Race carding would be a felony.

The planes were semi-annoying yesterday morning, and the freeway has been loud since I got up. I can't wait to escape all this shit although helicopters are getting all too common everywhere since they’re so much cheaper these days. Virus or not, I expect the plane activity to go up once California and the Northeast are pretty much the only states you can get an abortion in. Even though it doesn't affect me, it's still scary to see the country step back into the Dark Ages because this opens the doors for things that can affect us. Even if they don't overturn Roe versus Wade, there are ways for each state to get around it. That's why I don't understand why they bother to make something unconstitutional in the first place when all each state has to do is find a legal way to abuse that law.

I don't get why the fuck they would want to take an already overcrowded country and litter it with thousands of unwanted babies each year. No wonder my misanthropy gets worse and worse each year! People are both cruel and stupid. The rising virus cases in Florida are proof of that as well. I knew damn well they would climb again. You can't just give up on something and expect it to go away simply because you run out of patience waiting for a sensible solution.

We're going to check out Prime Monday today and see what deals they may have. One of the things I want to try is semi-permanent color shampoo. I want to try something different for a change so I thought I would start with merlot. Maybe this will end up being a better alternative to using regular dye. At least it should be able to be washed out and fade a lot quicker than dye if I don't like it. Seems like it should be easier than dyeing my hair the traditional way and less smelly and damaging to my hair.

Tom has lost eight pounds so far in the six to eight weeks he's been working out religiously. We're both surprised to find that it's more in the exercise than the calories. At least for him, it has been. I know he once thought he’d have to go really low-cal which he tried and couldn't sustain. He's not eating as much as he was and has cut down on sodium but is still eating a little over 2,000 calories a day.

He's still in the beginner phase, though, and needs to get his HR up to 107 throughout his workout. He doesn't think he'll ever be advanced but hopes to reach intermediate levels at some point. He has a low HR, so 107 isn't the piece of cake for him that it is for me. I would have to go to 124 for starters. I want to wait and see what happens with him before I decide if I want to try doing what he's doing. It's just that I promised myself years ago that I wouldn't be one of those who hopelessly struggles with her weight throughout life since that's such a waste of time. I learned to like and accept myself as I am, but I suppose losing a few pounds would definitely help my cholesterol. I know someone who lost 40 pounds and lowered hers by 40 or 50 points. I certainly don't need to lose that much weight, but I don't know. I'll wait and see what happens with him first and whether or not he can lose at least 20 pounds. Then I’ll make a decision. There are pros and cons to both losing and staying the same.

I've got to spend more time offline, tired or not, I swear! I'm being fed lethal doses of race/racism talk that I’m literally drowning in it. I can't do anything or go anywhere without hearing about it. I have to hear about it when I check the news. I have to hear about it on Facebook. I have to hear about it on Twitter. I have to see it in ads when using apps on my phone. I can't even always visit Dixie without having to hear about it. If we can't pick a whole new subject to obsess over, can we at least obsess over other groups for a change? Ones that actually have it worse.


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