kestrel

kestrel, walking
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2020-09-28 06:49:16 (UTC)

Dreams of Granola Bars

Personal Entry Follows.

Had a weird dream that addressed my last long-term ex girlfriend, the community center I used to work at, and - for some reason - energy bars/granola bars...? I understand that discussing dreams, particularly with people one doesn't know personally, can be mind-numbingly boring, and I usually avoid doing this. But I'm attempting to take a more Jungian perspective regarding this lately, and personally it could be important. This was one of the more vibrant dreams I'd had lately and I'd like to record a thing or two about it before it completely disappears.

Personally, I want to focus on the image of the energy bars at the moment, because I think of that as the most significant symbolic element to the whole thing. I was in a conversation with someone who was prattling on about his current romantic relationship with my ex, and during our conversation, it was noted that both he and I (I think mostly he) would grab a granola bar from what I considered my personal cache, and either immediately eat them or stuff them in his pockets. I eventually told him off, explained civilly that I never wanted to speak to him again, and that he needed to go. Dude walked out of the building (the community center) in tears.

Were I to look at this from a symbolic perspective, the following things could be true:
- The guy represents my idea of "the guy she wanted." (Incidentally, he looked like Adam Driver: the guy from those newer Star Wars films and who did fine work in "BlacKKKlansman"). I have a particular idea in mind about the man my ex desired after a certain point in our relationship (I think me being hit by the car was a significant turning point. I don't think she wanted me as a partner anymore after that incident.). To sum it up: the fact that I'm not Jewish was a significant hurdle to forming a familiar bond with her orthodox Jewish family. I also suspect that she thought of me as "lesser-than" after I was hit: either the fact my body wasn't as fit as it had been, or that my anxieties skyrocketed after that incident and I was struggling through a lot of my own personal adjustment. The moment I told this guy that I "never want to see him again," and he left weeping, I think was personally significant.
- The granola bar cache represents the rest of my life. I could still be pouring energy into dwelling on my past relationship, and to see it frittered away on dwelling on the past in such an obvious way was like a, "heads-up, brother!" There's still part of me that misses the life I had with her, and where my life was going at the time. That play is over, man. One doesn't live in the past, and she and I are -over and done-.
- The bustling community center represents my life. There's so much going on outside of that -past- relationship, there are so many other parts of my life that need to be nourished and nurtured with my limited resources, that I personally can't afford to hang on to that aspect of my past. That "one guy" (who actually represented an expired season of my life) was a constant energy vortex, sucking up resources, time, and worth that could have been better spent elsewhere.

The fact that I'm writing this after dreaming it is a way to further put that segment of my life behind me. Sure, one can learn a great deal from past relationships, but after pivotal changes trying to relive the past is not only impossible, it also stops you from moving forward and discovering your new worth.


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