šŸƒAmanda22Janeā¤

Ghost Writer
2020-09-21 19:58:55 (UTC)

Tuesday Morning.

It's 05:59 a.m. now as I write this and I've been awake since 05:15 a.m. My cat woke me. She's gone outside to play now and I'm back in bed after using the bathroom, wondering where my day will take me.

Anne doesn't want to do a meeting tonight with me, so I'll "brave the storm" and go on my own.
The face of AA has changed. I'm pretty sad, angry and shocked by this.
Old-timers are not made up of the gutsy courageous grist that I am used to, neither do they expend much energy on "passing it on", nor are they talking about their sobrieties in a generous all~rounded way. They lack love and passion.

They are generally complacent, arrogant, smug, full of their own self importance and cover up each other's misdeeds. I'm talking about those old timers who've had a drink, fallen off the wagon and lied about it. And their old~timer cronies back their denial the hell up. Charming is it not? Not safe.

Instead, I've walked back into the rooms to find them very sick, two that I know of have drunk again and openly deny it in meetings. One has even threatened to shut me up, all of them are running on massive egos, are more interested in controlling newcomers and one male (the one who drank) just loves himself so much he has a so~called charismatic presence in the rooms, and a "little" following. It's crazy, it's chaos and I'm walking in the door tonight. It's up to me to create balance. I may not have had 27 years continuous sobriety, that's true, however, I do know how AA works and I do have love. It's up to me to "pass it on".

Church and recovery rooms. (Not just AA.) The two things I need the most in my life, are the most dangerous places for me to go to. I keep going. I keep returning. I'm doing this for myself and I cannot get what I need by staying home.
This is my life, or death if I don't stay sober.

More later...

Sometimes one day is covered by several entries.





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