Subtropical Lady

Where Pelicans Fly
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2020-09-20 00:30:34 (UTC)

September 2020 (2)

9/10/2020 Thursday 5:53 a.m.

Haha, they refer to senior hours at Safeway as “golden hours.” Isn’t that a little too much like “golden showers?”

There was something familiar about this date. Pretty sure it's Marie’s birthday. She was a little younger than me from what I remember.

I don't want to get my hopes up since I never seem to be able to do what I want, partly due to schedule issues and partly just fate, I guess. Either way, I was thinking of checking into making my own jewelry and selling it on Etsy. I'm not going to invest in this before the move, though. I'll wait and delve into it once we get settled wherever we're going to settle. The problem is that it might be a little too competitive like with writing. There’s jewelry sold everywhere. Still can't hurt to grab a jewelry-making kit for 30 or 40 bucks, have fun with it and give it a try. If nothing sells, I can keep it for myself or share with friends and maybe future neighbors. I guess it's $0.02 a listing for 4 months or until it sells. I was thinking I might price bracelets at $10 and necklaces at $15.

The fucking cock was sawing again yesterday, not surprisingly. At least I think it might have been him but I can't swear to it because it's so common around here and when I think about it, it did seem softer like it may have been a house or two away from him. Maybe Santa? I only heard it for a few seconds, but it was enough to grate on my nerves. If it's too loud or too frequent, it usually has a way of getting old.

As I said the other day, I got a few mini bottles of Sutter Home wines from Safeway. The White Zinfandel was better than the Sauvignon Blanc. Later I'll try their version of Pinot Grigio.

I guess it's a good thing I wasn't impressed with the blue hues strips I applied yesterday where each nail is a darker shade from pinky to thumb because they already started to peel off. Seems I do remember some people complaining about that. Not sure if this is a brand thing or not but I definitely won't get these again because of the way most of them are transparent and too big for me. I would rather not have to trim any down.

The nail lifting has definitely improved but the dark spots on the thumbs are worse, so it probably is a fungus that still grows because it's being blocked by the strips from getting any light. Most importantly, there's no pain or anything and it's not like the nail is falling off. I scrubbed the nails in the shower after removing the strips and then I put some oil on them. After my walk, I'll give them a little bit of full-spectrum light before I re-strip them.

Overall they don't look that bad and if I gave up strips altogether, which of course I won't, I'm sure they would be fine in a few months. Blocking them from light is probably almost as much of a culprit as chemicals were. I’ll hit the thumbs with Lamisil too.

Okay! I went for a nice half-hour walk-jog, came back, and redid my nails with pink/blue gradient strips.

9/11/2020 Friday 6:23 a.m.

Nothing like being woken up in the middle of your sleep to the stench of skunks! I can’t wait until I can stop sleeping with the portable AC at night which is part of what’s bringing it in. Please tell me this shit isn’t going to be a regular thing in Florida! Fucking motherfuckers! I don't understand why Animal Patrol doesn't do more to kill them or at least move them away from populated areas. Traffic in the daytime, skunks at night…oh, but I’m not sleep-cursed, right? So yeah, if there's anything up there cursing my sleep be it a God or something else, fuck you too.

Despite taking in 1244 calories yesterday and burning 1958 I’m up half a pound. Fitbit is meaningless for those who simply cannot lose weight be it due to their thyroid or other genetic and medical issues but I’m okay with it. It’s still fun to do and to keep in shape. Got over 1100 steps yesterday, the highest I've gone since I got my Versa.

I was even asked to join Fitbit's heart study, so just like Tom, I'm in! He was probably asked due to his age. Me? They probably noticed my high HR. They will contact me if they notice anything funny which I guess is more likely to happen in my sleep if it's going to at all. I hope not! If they want me to wear any other special devices or do any video appointments, they’ll compensate me for it.

Not at all liking how I felt a touch anxious the last three days. It's too close to my next blood draw to cut doses, but I cut my waiting time a little today. Fucking figures this would happen too, when I'm just a few weeks away from labs.

It's been nice using just Alexa for a sound machine the last couple of nights instead of having the stereo as well, but after one more night, I'm going to have to add the stereo as I sleep into traffic.

We got a new smart thermostat and it's way better than the last one that was hit or miss. It's a well-made American brand instead of cheap shit from China. This one can do so much more. I love how we can set it to automatically switch to heat when it gets cold. We still have a while to get to that point, but we've got it set to keep the house at 68. If we want it warmer than that in the bedroom, we’ll use the portable. The AC is set to 80 Monday - Friday and 78 during weekends. He got it for the huge rebate that comes with it.

9/12/2020 Saturday 11:07 a.m.

The fucking water was off for 8 hours yesterday. Oh, to be able to take showers during the daytime and not worry that they're going to turn the water off, not that they can’t turn it off at night.

I'm thrilled to learn that there are some parks in Florida that don't allow pets at all. Since I don't know what the dog situation is there or if it may be worse than the parks here, why not? That's pretty much the only thing that’s been better here than expected, but I came to realize that’s because most people in the west believe they don't belong indoors. But I don't know what the attitude is in Florida. If everybody's got them and is okay with them being household pets and not something you just throw outside, that means more of them will be walked which will mean more barking as they pass by our place. The only dogs here that sometimes get annoying are Santa's.

So if we eliminate the dogs and get out of a flight path and a little further from traffic then that leaves just projects and landscaping until we buy land somewhere and push sounds further away from us. Hopefully, then we’ll only hear things outdoors and what we hear inside will be minimal. There sure are some places on islands and peninsulas, though, that would be worth a bit of noise. But the best of the best is for the rich, so I'm sure we'll end up in an average home in an average park with an average view until we get land. Also, the state that land ends up being in depends on if I can breathe and sleep in Florida through the humidity and thunder.

I'm mega-tired today. I was up forever and didn't sleep as long. Let me guess...it’s back to being exhausted every few days, right? All good things really do come to an end. :-(

I vaguely remember dreaming about him and I asking his dead mother where she wanted to eat, and then something about Johnson. It’s been a while since she’s shown up in my dreams.

I vaguely remember the stench of skunks too, not surprisingly.

I'm amazed that despite all the content in my dream blog on Blogger and how long it's been there, it gets virtually no traffic. I realize I could make my blog containing my entire journal from the 80s on up to now public and no one would ever notice. I don't think things like that would be all that interesting to people until they're over 100 years old or so, though. I've noticed that most people seem to only care about current posts but not those from a year or two ago unless it deals with someone famous. So I think they'll get more curious about older posts the older they get. The idea of someone possibly reading about my life hundreds or thousands of years from now if humanity still exists is kind of neat. :-) But then they wouldn’t get a lot of what I was saying with the way I would abbreviate or give things/people nicknames, especially in the pre-internet years.

A PB friend of mine voted “in hundreds of years” on a Twitter poll where I asked if I should share them never, now, when I die, or in hundreds of years. At least I think it was her since she replied to a message around the same time.

In the evening, when Aly would have been around, I got a “never” vote. Well, she may be curious (if she can’t hack into them) but at the same time, she wouldn't want anything negative published about her even if there were no full names. Don't know for sure that it was her. It could have been just a random stranger. But my gut says it was her.

It's so smokey out there that Tom said he could look right at the sun when he was out watering earlier. It gives a false sense of being a cloudy gloomy day. I can already feel summer slowly beginning to slip away. The AC no longer runs early in the morning.

Just when I thought the serious/critical virus cases would slip under 60k for the first time in ages, it seems to be pushing back up.

9/13/2020 Sunday 10:43 a.m.

It's a good thing people don't regularly test for unlocked doors here (that I know of) since the auto-lock failed to work on the back door and it was unlocked all night.

I really, REALLY hope it doesn’t, but if anything does delay the move, that saw fanatic is going to be dealt with. I’m not going to be put out and annoyed just so someone can have their fun. Nor will I be scared out of speaking up just because some people don’t want to hear it and can’t handle it.

The thing is that they might be interested in him for a job that pays even more than his last one which means we would go from 50k a year to 60k or higher with good benefits and that would be hard to turn down or take just temporarily. The more money we can leave the state with, the more options are available to us in Florida. This job would include local traveling in which I could tag along. However, they did say they want someone bilingual so Mr. Unilingual will probably be turned down.

If there is anything up there that decides our fate, curses, or blesses us, I would think it would use my health to trap us here instead of throwing more money at us. The thing is he can't claim he's retired and expect to be given Unemployment. They could ask for the money back if he doesn't work at least for a short time. I just hate to see him work before a COVID vaccine is available!

He ordered a new bike seat because this one is both uncomfortable and unstable. He’ll get a new stationary bike when we move. We get credit if we opt for a slower delivery method, but it has to be a certain dollar amount, so I grabbed another set of nail polish strips which range from beautiful bright colors to dark dull colors. I’ll throw nail polish over the boring ones.

Because my nail addiction means I now have so many sets of nails, I'm going to get an index card file box to store them in. It’s a boring matte black box so I’m going to decorate it with spare nail strips. I’m also getting a paper puncher that punches various shapes like hearts, stars, butterflies and flowers, since the nail strips would be an odd shape to decorate and personalize with.

Also got a ballet-themed 2021 wall calendar. Beginning in 2022, I don't think we'll get wall calendars anymore since I don't expect to have so many high-maintenance pets that I have to remember when each one needs what. The calendars on our computers will work just as well for appointments and whatever.

Oh wow. First time I got so many votes on a Twitter poll where I asked when I should publish all my journals. No one chose now or when I die but I got two votes for hundreds of years from now, and two for never.

Doing polls is fun. It’s an interesting way to gather opinions without putting anyone on the spot since they can remain anonymous.

I guess I didn't sleep as well as I thought I did since it seems I was up for about 90 minutes in the middle of my sleep. I do remember getting up to pee and waking up warm, but I didn't think I would be this tired. As I said yesterday, I have a bad feeling I just hit another cycle where I'm going to be tired most of the time no matter how well I sleep. Even so, it says my sleep score is 88. I sure don't feel like I slept that well.

Christiane is completely ignoring the messages I sent her. That's really rude, too. Either reply or tell someone you don't want anything to do with them! It's probably because I asked about Nane. Had I just said, “Hello, how are you?” I probably would have gotten a reply. Why do I bother, though? I thought I’d gotten over bothering with those that don't bother with me or that don't bother with me unless they hear from me first.

Marie hasn't been coming around as much. Can't help but wonder if it's due to the recent mentions of her if that was really her.

Gonna take a break from tracking PB for a while. It's pretty predictable anyway, as far as who visits. I think it will be interesting to take a break for many months, then go back and see if the results are pretty similar and if Marie is still there at all. Plus, it's a bit of a pain to have to make drafts with the code, so a break would be nice.

Aly told me she didn't hate weekends but tweeted that she did on her Molly-connected account. I noticed that she checked in with her yesterday but not with me and wondered if she was waiting till I went to bed. I jokingly but seriously asked her if she was just waiting till I went to bed or something and a half-hour later she replied saying that after lunch she had a Crohn's flare-up and was forced to lie in bed. If all goes well, she should be moving in with Cam today.

I love it when I happen to catch her when she's checking in and she doesn't know it since I have my settings set to Invisible. It's interesting to see what she edits. One time she edited out that she sometimes stays late at school to write student reports where it's quiet, almost as if she didn't want to admit her place gets noisy too, even though she has mentioned raised voices, doors slamming, and footsteps.

Another time she edited out the mention of Cam having Walmart deliver groceries and I wondered if that was due to her desire to be different. At least she seems to like to be different at times and we definitely disagree on Walmart. She has no desire to shop there.

A few days ago there were half a dozen vehicles next door and I remembered that it was Bob's would-be 91st birthday.

Finally, remembered some dreams I had. I seem to go in spurts with that, too. One of them took place on the other side of the world. I somehow ended up going home with a friend who was visiting from this other country that I'd never heard of and couldn’t find on a map. I was worried I wouldn't have a way home, but some woman assured me that she would get me back home.

In another dream, I was driving a realistic electric mini-convertible car around the living room when I heard the sound of a large vehicle nearby. It was really early in the morning and the sun hadn’t fully risen yet. I jumped up out of curiosity to see who was parked so close to the house and found a white van sitting in front of the house. I wondered if it was some type of private ambulance or something.

Then I glanced at the car and saw it was about to crash into the wall because I hadn't put it in park, even though it was moving slowly. I jumped back in the driver seat and slowly moved it around.

Then I heard a male voice and figured it was a paramedic. I park the car and got out to look out the window again. I saw the paramedic loading a wooden frame of some kind into the back of the van and then I saw Virginia standing in front of her place. I went to open the door to ask how she was doing but when I opened it, I found three young to middle-aged blonde women dressed and pretty sundresses standing there smiling at me. One of them had spaghetti straps and I thought she must be cold in the chilly morning.

I said I wasn't buying anything and shut the door on them. I then put my ear to the door to see if I could make out anything being said but all I heard was the rustling of papers. Finally, curious to see what it was all about, I open the door to find they had placed multiple stacks of letter-sized papers all along the patio.

“So I'm supposed to take one from each stack and deliver them to the neighbors? How much are you going to pay me to do this?” the dream ended with me asking.

9/14/2020 Monday noon

Nurse Kim is 51 today. Wow, I haven't seen her since she was 23. I doubt I ever will again, but I wish her a happy birthday just the same. It will be interesting to see if she acknowledges my birthday in a few months.

Had a dream we moved to her state, my home state, of all places. Then he got some kind of job connected to guns.

I also dreamed about visiting Dixie. Only I lived a couple of houses away instead of four houses away and during the visit, it was like I couldn't sit still, and I kept popping in and out of my house and then returning to hers. Then she got tired and wanted to take a nap but didn't want to fall asleep alone for some reason so she asked me to stick around and I did, hoping she would hurry up and fall asleep so I could get the hell out of there because I was bored out of my mind.

She emailed me in reality last night. She's worried about the fires, having an eye appointment today, and looking for help with Diane.

I slept with the AC off because I didn't want the place to reek of skunks in the middle of the night but I woke up warm a few times so I think I'm going to need to sleep with it for a while longer. In early October, we shouldn't need it at night anymore. The house one is already taking longer to come on. It comes on in the late morning to early afternoon.

Why would Aly lie about what she voted for on my last Twitter poll? Yeah, that's the question of the day. She said she voted “now” but that's not possible. Unless Twitter screwed up and failed to count everybody, the two “now” votes are actually from my other two accounts, so she couldn't have voted for that. Pretty sure she voted “never” if not twice then at least once.

So why would she lie and tell me she voted “now” when there's no way she could have possibly done so? I guess she anonymously told me what she really thinks while telling me directly what she thinks would be appropriate to tell me. She doesn't really want me to share them now. She’d rather I never share them and that's got to be because she knows I've said negative things about her at times.

But why not just say she hasn't had time to vote yet or something like that rather than tell me she voted “now” when she doesn't want them published now? Maybe she ran out of accounts to vote from, I don't know.

She is definitely a prolific liar and I have to keep this in mind. I really can't trust her as much as I'd like to think I can. I could call her out on it but because it's something so petty, why bother risking what's otherwise a decent friendship? Like she said in a blog post, silence can sometimes be a good thing. Meanwhile, I may not have the memory I once had but I'm aware, I know how to read, and I'm not stupid either.

9/15/2020 Monday 2:40 p.m.

So there’s a site called Genomelink that allows you to upload the raw data containing your DNA from either Ancestry or 23andMe and it tells you about a dozen different things for free. If you want something like 180 different things, it's $14 a month. We're not that curious right now but maybe later on we'll do it for one month. Here's what it told me for free.

Food & Nutrition

I tend to have an intermediate amount of Vitamin A and am less sensitive to bitter-tasting foods and have an intermediate taste sensitivity to fat.

I have a lower caffeine metabolite ratio, consume less caffeine than average, and have a higher chance of being a smoker.

I have an intermediate carbohydrate intake and am less of a protein seeker which means my body doesn't crave protein as much.

I’m likely to have a lower consumption frequency of fried dishes as much as I love fried foods and I do indulge in them sometimes.

I have intermediate bitter alcoholic beverage consumption and a higher affinity for red wine than white.

Most of this is pretty accurate even though I couldn't say on the Vitamin A thing. I only have one cup of coffee most days, I do like fried foods, and I do prefer red wine to white. I was also once a smoker.

Personality

I'm less disagreeable and average in conscientiousness. Tom scored less disagreeable as well and I think in most ways we both are. With him, it seems that he just likes to be different but with me, well, I just don't usually agree with popular opinion. We agree he's more conscientious than I am. Sometimes I think he cares too much about others. It's great to be conscientious of those we care about, but he's too considerate when it comes to neighbors, for example, even those that have shown not to give a shit about us.

The funny part was how it said he was more extroverted than I am. Neither of us is sociable in general, but I'm at least somewhat sociable online and he isn’t even into that.

We’re both more neurotic, although he doesn't seem to worry nearly as much as I do, and we’re both open-minded, although I think he's more open-minded than I am. He wouldn't care if a Muslim moved in next door, but I would be concerned since there are too many of them that prefer to settle their differences in a violent manner as opposed to just a few here and there. You don't even have to “do” anything to them, just be different.

We both scored intermediate on being reward-dependent.

Intelligence

It says I have more acute hearing and was above average in intelligence as a child. We both got the same answer and I wonder if they tell that to everybody. I’m deaf in one ear and I think if anything I was below-average intelligence as a child, partly due to ADD and the abuse I had to endure at home. Kind of messes with your focus and concentration, you know?

Physical Traits

It says I'm average as far as a morning person goes and average with motion sickness. It also says I have a lower body fat percentage.

Not quite when you have circadian rhythm disorder and you don't have motion sickness at all. I do have a lower body fat percentage, though, since I'm just slightly overweight. It said he had a higher body fat percentage which is accurate.

Sports

It told us both that we’re intermediate when it comes to endurance performance.

Deciding there’s no way I can do the second hardest out of the four different weight loss plans Fitbit has where you have a deficit of 500 calories a day, I decided it couldn't hurt to at least try the easiest one with a deficit of 250 and a half a pound loss a week. I noticed I burn an average of 1700 calories a day. So that means I could have 1450 calories a day and still lose that half a pound a week. My comfort zone is 1200 to 1400 calories a day on average, so that wouldn’t be hard. Hard to believe I could eat that much and lose anything, though, with my thyroid, but I'm curious enough to try it and find out.

My HR is a little high again and I feel slightly wound up like I did yesterday but not enough to call myself anxious. I did have a sugary treat, though, that I got when we ran out to Rite Aid. Coffee cakes. I also got lentil chips for later on and a four-pack of Sutter Home's white zinfandel and a four-pack of their merlot as well. My medication is likely building up in me but I'm going to try to tough it out until I hit the lab early next month.

I wonder how much wacky hormones might be connected to it because I noticed I had some spotting last night and I've been feeling faint cramps too. I just wonder when this shit is ever going to end for good! I’m almost 55 for fucks sake! I'm still way better and I was before early 2019 or so but this doesn't seem normal even though I'm not too worried. In other words, my gut feeling isn’t screaming at me that something's wrong. While that's great, I still worry about my health delaying the move. I just think that would happen before anything threw an insanely high-paying job his way. From what I read, though, it's usually benign. Could be anything from a thickening of the uterine lining, wacky hormones, and polyps, but some things can develop into uterine cancer. It's just that the exams to test for this are excruciating, and even if they weren’t, I don't want to have to deal with extra expenses now. I'll just hope it backs off on its own.

I noticed it last night when I was rearranging the 40 or so Barbies I'm taking with me. I managed to jam them all into a smaller clear plastic bin with the exception of four that wear wide gowns. I'll probably just leave them in there indefinitely unless they gain value and then I'll sell them. In this bin, I could stand them upright rather than lay them down in layers which isn't as good for them mostly because it messes up their hair.

I wouldn't mind if Aly suddenly knew that I knew she was lying about what she voted for on my poll but not by me telling her so. I wouldn’t call her on her lies unless it was something huge or she dumps me again. Therefore, I decided not to have the post on OD where I mention it ever expires just in case she finds it.

For a minute I started to think maybe she was telling the truth because I voted from my other two accounts again on a new poll I created yet the votes weren't showing up. Then I refreshed the page and they were visible.

My current poll: Is it wrong to be selective and to prefer not to have the mentally ill or those with prominent emotional problems as friends?

I had my other accounts vote yes and no. Recently received a yes vote when Aly was around.

9/16/2020 Wednesday 2:52 p.m.

We uploaded our DNA to some sites that gives you some information for free, as I mentioned, and yesterday one of them told him he has a lot of Celtic in him whereas I have a lot of Roman. There's some east Asian in me too, which makes sense since the Jews started off there before relocating.

Doing Twitter polls has been fun. I'm just not sure what to do a poll on next.

I really miss Ask, but there's no way I can return there because they'll just harass me. I guess that instead of banning users who don't ask and answer according to their standards, you get badgered with pop-ups to the point that their site is unusable. If it was a genuine glitch, it wouldn't have gone on for years. I've tried creating new accounts but as soon as they know it's me or I give answers they don't like, the harassment begins. I've often wondered why they don't just write their own questions and answers if they have a specific kind in mind they want but I guess that by messing with those they don't want, they get others to do the work for them. I can kind of see why they would opt to make it hard for users they didn't like to use the site as opposed to banning them, but oh well. As they say, all good things really do come to an end.

Having had a few coded drafts left, I found that New York made up for lost time and visited like crazy yesterday. It's still weird how they A, refuse to comment, and B, are just as interested in comments as the actual entries. I still think it's Marie.

Just out of curiosity - and this will no doubt put Aly on the spot even if she kind of deserves it for lying - I asked her who she thought might have voted that I never published my journals. Does she think it's a random voter or someone I know that's paranoid?

9/17/2020 Thursday 5:08 p.m.

Another fancy homemade cooked meal! They didn't have swai fish, so I used the tilapia I had. I made a tilapia fillet served over brown rice which I topped with a veggie medley. I got the idea from a YouTube video where they used yellow pepper, onions and tomatoes. I only like raw tomatoes when I do have them, so instead I used a mix of green beans, broccoli, onions, mushrooms and yellow pepper.

I hope I didn't skip my meds today for nothing because I'm still feeling a little wound up. I don't know if it's because of hormonal imbalances, if I've got more medication built up in me than I realize, or something else. One skipped dose can raise my TSH score by several points, but hopefully it won't be too bad when it comes time for testing.

I'm also lightheaded today for some reason. That, the anxiety, and the occasional racing HR does smack of wacky hormones. At nearly 55 years of age, I wonder when and if they're ever going to get their shit together. At least I'm only feeling wound up for 2 or 3 hours instead of half a day or all day. It's also a different kind of anxiety. Before, I was having waves of anxiety stabbing in and out of my chest. It was like I could feel the adrenaline being squeezed out of my adrenal glands and into my chest. But this is more of a breathless feeling like I just did something really strenuous.

Tom just told me he had his own medical scare today. He was playing a video game on his computer when the edges of his vision got all fuzzy and was worried he might be having a stroke. But when he looked it up, he found that a silent migraine described his symptoms perfectly and then it went away like they said it would in about an hour.

I'm surprised I haven't been cursed with migraines with all the other shit I’m cursed with. I would just think something up there would hate me enough to love to throw something so horrible at me. I've heard they're so bad you almost wish you’d die, and some people even end up puking their guts out. Ugh, can't imagine feeling like my head is about to explode and then puking!

Tom told me to be sure I keep wearing my Fitbit to bed and don't get sick of it because if we're low-income in Florida, I would qualify for SSI. That would mean I could see a sleep doctor there and use my Fitbit info to show that I have a sleep disorder and finally get the disability benefits that never should have stopped before we got married. We wish we had put in for SSI when we were struggling in Auburn, but we just never thought to do so at the time. And why would our lovely government tell us about it, right?

He keeps an eye on the prices of things and his last check of first-class plane tickets seems affordable enough as long as they don't jack the price up. I would definitely love to go out of here first class! I hope to get more pics along the way. The last two times we changed states, there were issues with cameras and batteries and things like that. I always hated not being able to get a good shot of the breathtaking Mount Shasta.

One of the houses here is going for 260K and they haven't even been here as long as we have. But the house is really gorgeous inside having been remodeled and all that, plus they have a hot tub in back and a view of the lake.

Decided not to edit and share my bio because it's a lot to go through and definitely contains more shitty memories than I care to go through. I'm just going to run it through Grammarly since I wasn't as good of a writer as I was 20 years ago and only had a spell checker back then.

Lisa was in my dreams last night. I hate it when those narcissistic crazy bitches show up in my dreams. I don't remember much about it. I guess we were having a friendly discussion in person and then I later went back to her house to get something I forgot, and even though the house was dark when I entered it and I called out her name, I could just make out her shadow slinking silently around in the dark which made me question her sincerity.

9/18/2020 Friday 11:19 p.m.

I know without a doubt that Aly is fucking with me on the polls but that's okay because I can play right back in my own way. She recommended doing a follow-up poll and I decided to take her up on that suggestion. I asked those who voted “never” to my journals if they did so because they’re just a random voter who voted randomly, they’re afraid of what I may say about them, or they just like to be different.

Sure enough, shortly after I put up this poll, the first two got one vote each. I would be willing to bet just about anything that Aly voted from her two Twitter accounts which is all she seems to have right now that I know of. There is a possibility that Molly's lurking and has been doing a great job of not letting me know it, but if she was that curious about my tweets, I would think she'd be reading my journal as well yet Texas doesn't show up on my list very often.

I put up a new poll asking if I was ugly, average or attractive and I would be willing to bet it was Aly that voted “average.”

I agree. I was above average in my youth (something that had its advantages and disadvantages) and later evolved into an ordinary, average-looking middle-aged woman.

Another poll asks if you’re against, okay with, or have no opinion about the possibility of ICE forcing hysterectomies on some illegals and immigrants and I would also be willing to bet it was Aly that voted it to be wrong.

Don't know if it's fake news or not but if ICE is really forcing hysterectomies on illegals and immigrants, I totally commend them. How many times have they come over here, popped kids they knew damn well they couldn't afford, and then forced our tax dollars to have to foot the bill? Many of the people in Mexico and its surrounding Latin countries breed like rabbits and we don't need to be responsible and to have our system burdened even more. I think that ICE sterilizing them is helping to control the population as well as saving money in the end. There are enough kids born into poverty be it because the parents are lazy or trapped in a situation beyond their control and others don't need to deal with it for them.

Lastly, I asked if my writing ability was poor, fair, good or average. I got a vote for good and one for poor.

If it was someone who has really read my journals or stories and really thinks I'm a poor writer, I would love to know why they think that. :-) It may help me improve my writing even more.

I'll be going to the lab on October 5th at 3:30. Unfortunately, I'm not going to get the good numbers I was hoping to get because I skipped my meds altogether yesterday. It's unlikely I'm going to be in the single digits. On top of that, I have cut waiting time a few times in the last few weeks. Definitely feel better today. Still can't say for sure if it's more on wacky hormones or the meds but I'm guessing the hormones. My day started off with some lightheadedness, but I was fine afterward.

As expected, the garbage and green waste trucks woke me up, but I went right back to sleep and woke up feeling rested enough. I'm surprised the planes haven't been bad late at night. I just hear the occasional buzz of small planes or helicopters that I always hear at night here.

I wasn't too happy to learn that most parks in Florida have their trash picked up twice a week. But do they make a three to four-hour ordeal of it? Would the trucks get as close to the bedroom window as they do here? I hope not, but either way, it would only be for a few months.

I visited Dixie as the sun was setting and it was great seeing her even though our chats usually get me down. She never has anything positive to say, but I feel bad for her because she has no one. Goes to show that having kids doesn't mean you'll be taken care of in the end. She hasn't talked to her daughter in years and her son is a drunk. She can't take care of herself (she needs hip and knee surgery) because she's so busy taking care of Diane. She no longer has any help with her because Diane isn't in any kind of program these days and I guess she had a falling-out with a couple that used to help out with her. She says she hates her life and feels like she's alive but not living. Again, I feel terrible for her and I dread the day Tom and I get to the point where we're struggling in the way she is. I try to take people's advice and not worry about the future since it isn't here yet but sometimes that's easier said than done. I worry either way. I worry about suddenly dying before he does and leaving him alone. Then I worry about how much I may suffer from whatever kills me and if there's a possible afterlife that's a hell of a lot worse than my worst of times on Earth. Then I worry about him suddenly dying first and being faced with having to end my life. I would have no choice but to do so even if I wouldn't be as horribly depressed and lonely as I know I would be by the loss of him. No matter how much money we had, I'm simply not one who can just live on her own. Things were different when I had my own apartment in the 80s. I was young, relatively healthy, and yeah, things were different. They were a lot less complex in many ways. But now, it would be very difficult for me to be able to take care of myself. Especially since we wouldn't live anywhere where there was a bus stop right outside the door. So I worry about having to end it all and possibly botching it up and also hope that those that say you go to hell for killing yourself simply say that as a deterrent.

Dixie is grateful for the fact that she has money and hopes to stay out of a nursing home because of it even though money can only go so far and get you so much. I can't imagine ever being in a nursing home! Especially with my kind of sleep disorder. An assisted living apartment, I can kind of see, but a nursing home? No fucking way! I hate to think of Tom in one of those places as I know that many of its workers can be impatient and abusive and care a hell of a lot more about their paychecks than the patients.

Kind of sad to know that the only way to get instant housing, food and medical care, even if those last two may be a joke, is to commit a crime and end up in jail or prison.

Anyway, I don't want to get in a funk by dwelling on “what ifs” too much, and again, the future isn't here yet. For now, 95% of my life is great and I'm going to focus on that.

At around 8:30 yesterday evening, he and I went on the longest walk we've been on in quite a while around the entire perimeter of the park which is about two miles and took about 40 minutes. It was a little warm, though, at around 80°.

We went out at the same time this evening and it was a little cooler but still slightly warm for walking. I prefer it under 70 degrees. Anything under 50 and I won't go out.

Amazingly, we saw not one single skunk on either walk.

The Maitys nail stickers arrived. There are 14 sets, half of which are dull Earth tones that are going to be covered with polish. If it wasn't for my gorgeous, colorful set of chrome nail polish, I wouldn't have bothered with this set since half of them are boring. I started with the lime nails. I currently have 63 sets, so they’ll last me quite a while. Tomorrow I get the index card box to store them in.

Made my own meatballs for the first time for lunch. I rolled ground beef into 1.5” balls and seasoned each one differently. Paprika wins!

For dinner, I also made a roasted chicken thigh over jasmine rice with the same veggie medley I used over the previous night's tilapia, only I threw in a couple of small potatoes since the green beans were going bad.

9/20/2020 Sunday 10:35 p.m.

The index card box for my nail stickers came today. A couple of brands were too big for it, so I trimmed them down. The ones that were in plastic wraps fit fine. It was the ones in paper wrapping that were too big. It was simple enough to trim them to fit, though.

What wasn't simple was using the punchers to cut out shapes to decorate the box with using extra nail stickers. The stickers were too thick. Instead, I remembered I had some gem stickers which I put on top of the box. Not wanting to decorate the entire box with them, I bought some colorful sparkly star stickers for $5 on Amazon.

It has a slide on top of it for standing up index cards, so standing up are the nail stickers I plan to use next. That will be pastel gradients that go from blue to green to pink.

I'm a little tired today and my sleep score reflects it as well. Lately, I've been scoring 87-89 but I scored 83 the last time around. Waking up with a nightmare didn't help. I dreamed of one of the classics; being broke and alone. I didn't know Tom in the dream and my parents were still alive. I was forced to move out of a small apartment because I ran out of money. I don't know how I had been getting money before or why it stopped but I was facing homelessness and losing everything. I tried to call my parents as a last-ditch effort to get help, but my phone was broken. When I finally got it to work, I couldn't remember their number or even what town they lived in. Then I ended up breaking down on the woman who answered when I called Information (do those things still exist in real life where you dial 411 for info?) and she asked me what I needed.

“Well, $120 for my meds, for starters,” I told her, even though my meds don't cost nearly that much in reality. Levothyroxine is cheap.

I didn't seem to be in a panic like I would have been when I was younger. It was like I figured I'd lived long enough, I tried my best, but oh well. So what if I had to kill myself to save myself from slowly starving on the streets?

I did have a good dream as well. I met Aly in a hotel somewhere. She told me I looked like I lost a lot of weight and that my face was slimmer. I told her I was so excited to finally meet her and we hugged. I thought she felt kind of bony. Then I said, “I was beginning to wonder if we would ever meet.”

Sure enough, she's dodging me on giving me her address so I can check her out on Google Maps. I understand wanting to be somewhat private but for Cam to be so private that he won't let her share a picture of them or anything else makes me wonder. I still don't think she's making him up, though. I know she's very intelligent and has a hell of a creative mind but to keep such an intricate game going for so long doesn't seem likely. But why such intense secrecy unless he's got something to hide? It is still kind of weird that I never see any pictures of him, her house, and the fact that I could never find his SIL who's supposed to be a doctor.


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