nerd™

the anger games
2020-09-19 01:25:55 (UTC)

day 1307. blinding anger

the tension in the house is suffocating. i wish grandma would leave for a week again. god i hate her so much.
mom keeps saying that this is just how old people are but if that's true then i hope i dont live to see myself or even mom like that. it's like her sole purpose in life right now is to interfere with our lives or take her issues out on us.
all she cares about is uncle Wal but he doesn't want her and somehow this is our fault. im so tired of not being enough for her im so tired of being collateral damage.
im so angry
im going to say it. it won't be the worst thing I've told you and i probably said it before anyway i wouldn't remember. i hope either uncle Wal or aunt O take her for a few weeks and if they don't then i hope god does. she has outlived her usefulness. it will break my mom's heart but it's not like she's happy right now anyway. she already survived dad and grandma is in no way more important than him.
whenever grandma starts saying dumb shit, this is all i can think about. i just want her gone. now.
i can't stand being in the room with her for more than a few minutes so i stay upstairs all day. i hate it. i dont want to be alone. i can't bring myself to text anyone and they haven't texted either in a few days. the more time i spend in isolation the more lines i carve. i can't stop. every time i go deeper than the last. im scared they might get infected but the alcohol and bandages are all downstairs i can't bring them up without mom questioning it so i just wash the wounds and hope for the best.
i dont want to be alone but i dont have the energy to talk to anyone. i just want to be around my family even if we don't talk even if they don't know. their presence alone reminds me why im still here. i can feel myself slipping away. I've already left more scars than i did that entire year before i stopped. it's getting bad way too fast.
i know how nasty all of this makes me sound but it doesn't matter. im probably way worse than you think anyway.




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