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2020-09-15 16:37:18 (UTC)

A year without you

It’s been a year. I thought of you today and I cried. I think about you every day Squidge. While I love Lil Lemur with all my heart, you took a piece with you when you left us. I know you’ll keep it safe until we meet again. I’ve never been really good with grief. I guess because I never wanted to say anything to anyone else. I didn’t want to come off as “dramatic”, “attention seeking”, “crazy”, or any number of things that I’ve heard when I’ve shared things. Grief is another of those things that I keep private except now. Writing an anonymous journal though isn’t the same as sharing but I do get to release some of that grief. I was brought up that showing any emotion like that was weakness and I wasn’t allowed to be weak. I’ve always had to be the strong one which is possibly why I have such a strong survival instinct. It’s rare that anyone sees that part of me. I’ve learned to bury it in lieu of everyone else that I care about because that is what I was taught to do. I can’t even bring myself to write today. I just don’t have it in me. Though I’m worried about the forum and I’m beginning to wonder if I should close it. Nearly 3 yrs is a good run. It never got the traction that I thought it might. While I adore those that have stood with me through the years, it’s these quiet times that I wonder if I can keep doing it.

While I’m dealing with that loss, I’m also dealing with another one. I’ve been journaling about someone that I thought I was with and had a future with. I was very wrong. I finally mustered the courage and reverted to emailing about my feelings because he never wanted to talk about them like an adult. I even opened the door to talk about it. I am proud of myself at how assertive I finally was. I also am very disappointed. I’m not angry or hurt. I’m actually genuinely disappointed in Tampa. He was more than happy to take my money and lead me to believe that there was something there when all it was in the end was a ploy to keep me on the hook. Just wanting me to continue the things I was doing for him. I’m not anymore. Small consolation though. The disappointing thing really is all he had to do was talk to me. Be honest and open with me like he said he wanted (an adult relationship). Instead he’s gone back to what is comfortable to him. It took a lot for me to break cycles that I had fallen into. In fact, he was breaking a few of them, except being emotionally unavailable and closed off. It’s not easy to break cycles. I should know. I’ve been doing it for years. There comes a time though that it actually has to be done. Take the step and see what can happen.

I managed to get most everything accomplished today, and it’s kept my mind off things but when I get quiet moments these are the things that wash over me. They get into my head and sometimes stay there for a bit. I have my goals and I plan to follow through on each one of them. I’m excited to be going to Arizona in April. That will be fun. It’ll be good to see G again. There will be more than enough to keep me busy and I know friends and family will be rooting me on. I just wish I had someone that would be there to hear everything instead of just the cats and well my own head. I’m slowly becoming content that that will never happen. Not in this day and age. Too many guys that want the three types I’ve mentioned before. If you’re not one of those three types, then you’re out of luck. Just keep going, I guess. My ex-mother in law said something once that has rung true through the ages. They’re going to need me long before I need them. She’s right. I don’t need anything. I’m blessed quite a bit with the things I need. I want someone to be there for me. To be with me. To appreciate me. It will happen or it won’t. Time will tell.

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