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Ramblings & RL Stories
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2020-09-15 02:03:45 (UTC)

Dreams aren’t real

Indio sadly affects my whole day

Well I'd love to say I'm self sufficient and can thrive on my own but the facts are that he affects my entire day. Mainly when the interactions I feel are negative. A regular day is fine and I am able to focus on my own things but when I feel like things are negative it halts my entire day.

I log offline. I sit and do nothing and waste the whole day away. I'm sad the entire day and just wait for tomorrow. That's how it is today.

The problem is that I easily feel rejected. I'm used to not being allowed or wanted in social spaces so I learned to never overstay my welcome, leave, keep to myself and not try to enforce myself in the space again. It pretty much takes only once or twice for me and then I learn. If I feel unwelcome once I won't try to be involved again.

Imagine some kids about to play baseball in the park. They ask 'who's all playing?' I join in the chorus of kids saying 'me' and run over. They're handing out the bats and picking teams. I'm being overlooked and hardly included. I come to the conclusion they don't want me there. Because no one is paying attention to me I excuse myself and leave. If anybody enquires I have an excuse ready to go but usually nobody does enquire. The next week the kids are at the park about to play baseball again. I remember I didn't feel welcomed/included last time. I don't ask to play or join in. I move off to a space by myself. I may check in on if they're still playing the game or not. Every time I do, I wish someone wanted me to play too. I continue to stay to myself. Every week they get together to play baseball and every week I move away to myself and don't attempt to join. I learn that I was not welcome once and will never be welcome so I should never ask or try again.
I see a different group of kids about to play tag. I only sort of know them so I don't even attempt to try and join them. I decided to respect their space and not to try and invade it.

I'm like a vampire, I need to be invited in. If I don't receive that invite then I assume I'm not wanted or welcomed. I have to be asked directly to join or be told it's ok for me to come along. This is to avoid that rejection. The rejection of trying to join but no one really wants you there. The feeling of invisibility, I don't really matter. I've made peace over the years with the fact that I don't matter much and should be sure to stay well within my lane. I was starting to break out of that at the beginning of the year. So I tried. I was right all along, I don't matter much. I quickly went back to again sticking to myself and not trying to invade any spaces. I went back to withholding things about myself and not really talking much about my past. He doesn't care. No one does. I'm used to it so it's not a problem. I won't try to break out again.

When I see the group sitting in the discord channel playing a game they know I own. I feel rejected. Why didn't they ask me to play? They must not want me to play, so I don't ever join. I only join if I'm invited/told to or it's just maybe one person in there who I feel I can safely join.

If I don't get directly invited then I don't invite myself along. If they tell me what they're doing then I say 'ok have fun' and I leave them to it. Only if they say 'you can come' that I feel grateful and join in. Basically I try not to take up much space in the world and in people's minds.

It's that feeling of rejection. I'm not wanted. Yes, I'm used to it but it doesn't mean I enjoy it. Of course I wish it were different. Of course I wish I had a group I always felt invited to instead of always being the outsider. I'm just never there at the right times or I haven't done well enough on imprinting on people. Even when I feel like i made a lot of progress I'm reminded that actually I didn't. No one knows me. Is it any wonder why I started to ignore myself as an existence just so I could cope?

I felt unwanted today. I felt unwanted from yesterday. I planted all the seeds and I got the hint loud and clear. I know the answer, I wouldn't have. Well I sent the first message, no more games, I promised.
I guess anybody would usually just stop at the first part or just say 'wanna call?' or 'call me' People only say 'you don't have to' for two reasons. The first is if they sense hesitation or a lack of confidence in your response. The second is if they are trying to be polite by offering but they prefer that you say no. I hadn't shown any reason to detect hesitation so it was the second one.
I hadn't given any indication I was busy at all
Cut to this morning, it seems things are fine.
Ah, so the problem is me. I quickly add up all the pieces.
Ok. I'm not welcome,
I leave and I don't message for the rest of the day. I go offline because there's nothing and no one else around. I try to just have a day to myself but I'm sad, I can't get it off my mind. I feel completely rejected. I check every now and again to see if there's a message. None.
. I decide to stay offline and to myself. Lesson learned and hint received.

I broke my own rule. I broke it because I thought I was being ridiculous. I wasn't. I got reminded. It's ok. I've learned.

Every time I feel rejected by him it ruins my entire day. I do nothing. I throw the whole day away. I realise I need to back away but then it gets good and I get excited and forget again. It's ok, I won't forget this time. But I remember my promise, no games.

He has the reigns on this relationship. I go along with him. Indios world. If he doesn't will it then I don't try to do it. I stay in my lane. It's not a totally happy lane but it could be much worse. It's actually very, very decent. I'm grateful for this lane, it's much better than what I've had before. I just had to learn and adapt which actually meant regressing on my personal progress. I just had a dream for a bit. A dream I was wanted, acknowledged, had a place. But dreams aren't real.