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2020-09-14 23:43:35 (UTC)


I watched Agora today. It happened to be on TV when I was flipping through channels in the afternoon, only 10 minutes in or so. It was a recommended watch from a friend anyway and the scene was quite gripping so I found myself locked on the screen until the end. It was a whirlwind of sadness and anger though. I turned the TV off wondering if one should just commit suicide knowing fanatics in the masses still exist, whether it's religious based or politics. You lose critical thinking, you lose yourself to ideology and then freedom is just a worn in a slogan that you shout without meaning.

I don't share these moments with people, usually, but as I've begun to open up to people in general, I texted my uni group and, separately, I texted C. It shouldn't but it comes to me as a surprise that Ir doesn't joke around like he does with others when I find myself in such low spirits. Instead he reminded me that I was part of the human race and that sometimes it's up to us to create beauty in the world. I told C about that and quoted our favorite book we read together. He quoted, "I am suggesting you may be human." In the more enlightened sense of the word as opposed to 'animal'.

I'm trying not to become sardonic. I'm trying to be a realist instead. I suppose that to become cynical is more a result of anger over not having one's ideals met. I don't want to lose the romantic in me, I just want to let her rest, that's all. I want to keep her inside, safe, reserved for the closest of my loved ones, because she can be terribly sensitive and she's already been hurt before. I don't want to lose all my faces, I just want a stronger shell to protect them.

I found the heart of the labyrinth. It led me to wonders.

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