Wr1tt3n0ne

Bunches and bunches
2020-09-14 13:14:08 (UTC)

Finding My Life

Coming home from another visit to Mr. Curved Line's familial home, I was struck by the sensation that here, in the home where I am on the deed, I was a visitor. It was so odd, as if my closet wasn't mine and my bathroom was belonging to someone else. As I strolled along with my husband on our nightly walk, I felt the outsider despite the fact the homeowners is paid through my bank account. It was very strange.

"People are strange when you're a stranger
Faces look ugly when you're alone
Women seem wicked when you're unwanted
Streets are uneven when you're down
When you're strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you're strange
No one remembers your name
When you're strange..." ~ People are strange by The Doors

I will spare you the indignant feelings of I worked hard for this and I deserve to enjoy the lifestyle I created for myself, mostly because I have been lucky and there is no right to anything when blind luck is involved. You cannot be owed good luck, that's utter nonsense. And that I pay for the life I enjoy is also a function of a life that has allowed it, many are not so fortunate and I doubt they chose it nor feel entitled to it. All that aside, I felt like a vacationing person to my own primary life. It was strange, very remarkably odd. And yes, people came out of the dark on my walk and seemed to indicate I was not a local in my own neighborhood.

Often alone on my walks home from my night job a lifetime ago in LA, I often marveled that I was alone in a city of then 2 million and that the streets felt so unwelcoming. I had spent the whole of my life walking these streets, I lived on them, as did my family, and this was as much my home as anything could ever be, and yet, late at night, I was unwanted and misplaced. I never fully shook that feeling of suddenly becoming an outsider when darkness fell.

Now in my charmed neighborhood, I feel like I am merely grabbing a rest before returning to my actual life with Mr. Curved Line. And I am confused on finding my life to not be my own.




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