Just so something of me is left, if something happens
I want to leave
That's really it.
I just want to leave.
But I can't. My degree is pretty much useless on its own and working here is miserable because basically every company is extorting their employees. I need work experience to live abroad most of the time and even lacking that I don't even think I'd be a particularly attractive candidate to let through - I'm just some wannabe freelance actor/writer/editor. I don't like companies and I don't like talking to people directly, and to make everything worse I'm gay and I'd rather minimize the discrimination I get for just being alive. So not only am I lacking in good qualities for prospective immigrants I'm fucking picky.
But I want to leave. Staying in this country and in this house feels like drowning. All I can think about when I wake up is that I'd rather just be dead. I genuinely don't know if I'll make it to tomorrow let alone next year or the year after that.
It's like every day feels bad by degrees, and some days are only really better because they're not as bad as others.
I don't want to live like this. But I don't know what to do. I don't know if I CAN do anything. It feels like I can't.