༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings & RL Stories
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2020-09-06 15:05:53 (UTC)

Puppet on a string

Ever feel like you’re a puppet on a string?
I do, often.
I tend to move myself, little pieces die, little by little, so I move myself into what people I love need me to be.

“I will stay till Tuesday “ Sheldon and I understand the words, however, woke up irritated with me, yet again, left without saying a word to anyone.

I have no clue what I did this time around. I’m always doing something it seems. Yet, I’m at fault because I shut down and get quiet, instead of yell, scream, fight, like 80 percent of women.

Shelbys shit left on the floor again, didn’t bother to pick up after his little princess dog. So tired of it.
I’m tired of a ton of things.
It’s wearing me thin.

I’m tired of always feeling wrong.
I’m tired of his dog pissing and shitting in the house.
I’m tired of him being upset with everything I do or say.
I’m tired of always feeling like I don’t matter.
I’m tired of him not helping me do what I need done, we only do what he needs.
I’m tired of feeling like he thinks he is better than me.
I’m tired of empty promises.


No matter what I do, or say, it never seems to be the right things.

I need to step back. Regroup my emotions and feelings.
I can’t keep feeling this way.

I realized too, I have a new personality, or he has always been there, just reared his head up the past two days.

Jason, Jason Baum. He is roughly 24, stocky, dark sandy hair, he is an artist. When he speaks, he has a bad stutter. He is the first personality with a first and last name.
I’m not sure what caused him to show, but he did. I know my therapist from the last state I lived in, said I had 16 or more personalities. I just was not aware of them all. I knew of 3 dominate ones.

Chrissy, age 5, very quiet, withdrawn, shy, timid, red hair, blue eyes, small tiny girl.
A no name, early 20’s in age, long strawberry hair, never speaks a word, paces the hallway, never making eye contact, so basically, no face, no voice, just paces day and night.
There’s Slash, alpha, dominate, protective, (actually drew him in my early teen years), around the age of 27, stocky, crazy curly hair, wild eyes, always grinning, crazy personality, yet, extremely strong and protective.


Now, this one.

I have been having nightmares of the rape from 2 years ago. I am not certain what’s causing it to refester, but, the images are popping up like rewatching an old movie.

I’m going to grab my medications, start a load of laundry, and go back to bed. I didn’t get up till 730, been more and more tired, but I know the exhaustion, is from the muscle spasms I’m having day and night. They just happen.

I never did message my ex on Saturday, the day he wanted to come get his car, I asked him to grab it all week, and he always had a reason, and claimed he couldn’t get anyone to help him, but somehow he had helped Saturday because he was selling a lawnmower.......tried to use the “it will finally be out of there”, I’m sorry, but I’ve tried for months for you to grab your crap, if he doesn’t show up by Tuesday, I’m blocking my number, calling the tow company, and getting it out of here. Enough. Let him pay the impound, since he can’t pay me storage.
I will, deny I called. Tough. I’m sick of the crap. I’m tired of being the puppet. I’m tired of being walked on like a doormat.

But, medication time, and some sleep.


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