Coffee with a friend
In talking with the bestie last night, we both enlightened each other to a lot of things. The first thing is that most guys around our age are looking for one of three women. The first is the fixer upper/damsel in distress. You know the kind. They constantly have problems. They are needy. They are clingy. They always seem to be in trouble or having some issue or another. They always want to talk about it to you. They need you to save them. Women have a type and there can be the reverse. They are the ones that have a hole to fill. I was this woman for a while. The one that has something missing. In my case it was my children after their father took them. As a woman we are trained to care for children and when that’s taken away, there’s a huge hole to fill. I took on guys that needed me to take care of them. Take care of all the bills and finances. While I had all the control and felt that I was filling that hole, I really wasn’t. I was just grinding myself down. This is the other type of woman that guys look for. The ones that they can use to move in (see: Hobosexual) and have the woman take care of everything. In essence the woman becomes mommy. The last category is the lowest. They either look for the quick put out or trophy for their arm. As long as they’re nice to look at and put out, it’s all good. They are actually at times two different categories, but most of the time they are both at the same time. All three will cry that they want a strong, independent woman but doesn’t have the first clue what to do when they’re faced with one. They will look in awe but eventually slink back to what’s “safe”. They refuse to break the cycle to try and up their game. It’s all about instant gratification and having what is safe for them. It will always end the same, but it’s so much better. It took me seven months of isolation to eventually begin to take the steps to understanding that I’ve had all three types and honestly not ever again. There’s no shortage of women that will be all three. I know because I was one of them. While the Lion was toxic as hell (leopards don’t change their spots) he did open my eyes to a few things. It was nice having that financial back up. We didn’t want for anything. We didn’t worry about things being shut off. We both paid the bills and even had a surplus every month to do things. While the relationship went to shit, that was definitely new to me and I won’t lie, I enjoyed it.
Another thing that we both opened up to was that we both are at the same place. In some things I’m a little faster. We both had to admit that it’s all about “I” now. What does that mean? We’re both taking steps for the first time of doing things that I want to do. There’s nothing with a penis attached to it. We started reaching back to things we did to make ourselves better and how many times we tried something with a penis cut it short. They didn’t support it. The person that was supposed to didn’t. They found their own ways to sabotage it. So, another step back. We spend so many years trying to step forward for threatened men to drag us backwards. I’m not saying all men are like that, but these are the ones that show us it’s time to break our own cycles. She and I talked about that once. That I had to break the molds of the men I was with. It stayed with me. I thought with the Lion I was doing that, but it was soon apparent that I had started to, but I hadn’t fully gotten there yet. In recent years though that has changed. I have tried and I haven’t given up hope fully. It is getting harder though to keep hope alive. Especially seeing these three types just about all the time. Instead it’s now I time. Do the things I want to do. I want to go to school and finish (it’s within reach soon). I want to fix my teeth. I want to get a newer car. I want to be where money is less a worry. I want to be in that place where I was with the Lion where I didn’t have to worry about something being turned off or having to choose to pay rent or buy food. That time is coming and very soon. The one person I thought that I might start setting roots with flaked on me. I’m not surprised, just disappointed. I did make some promises, but while I once would hold to those, after how I’ve been treated, I think it’s time for me to just step away and absolve myself of them. Let him figure it out. I can’t save them all and I doubt that I’m going to try anymore. I’ve been burned enough helping those I care about. I’ve spent enough time being my own hero that well I live the saying “they’ll need me long before I need them”. I’m putting a lot more of what I’m learning into practice and well some have noticed the changes. Some haven’t quite yet. At the end of the day, it really is all about me. I plan to keep it that way for a long time until I find that person that is not one of those three and willing to hold my hand and support me while I keep doing me. I haven’t lost hope, but it’s pretty low. The flame of hope is dying. The wheel is turning yet again, this time I think it’s going to be where I need to be.