Scream Above the Sounds
Helping Out, Mental Health & The Power Of Social Media
I met up with some of my family a few days ago, my dad's side of the family. I've never really been close with them. My dad's side of the family often annoy me. They carry this attitude that they believe they are better than everybody else, it's unbecoming. I never ever got good vibes around two of my uncles, but my auntie has always been nice. We used to go for Sunday dinner at my grandmother's house and that was the only real time I spent with them. It was enough, I guess. They just never really felt like my family. I often felt me and my sister were outcasts and didn't really fit in with the rest of our cousins. That's a story for another time though. My dad asked me if I could help him move my auntie into her new place, so I met up with her and my cousin Matthew who I haven't seen in a very long time. It was good to see him, it was weird but nice. We spoke of football, me going to university, his brother currently being in Australia, and also him becoming a father. I would like to spend more time with them. Maybe it's something we could work on. Helping out was alright, it wasn't a great many tasks; just lugging things out of the van.
We had to take a trip to my grandfather, who I haven't seen in YEARS. He's a nice man, he was always great for me and my sister growing up. He is really old now though, he must be late 80s. When we were in the van and en route to my grandfathers, my cousin mentioned that he had been 'quite funny lately'. I tried to gauge what he meant by that but I wouldn't have known any different, having not seen my grandfather for 10 years or so. He didn't seem thrilled to see me when we knocked on the door, I honestly questioned if he knew who I was (just to myself of course). He seemed very disconnected, not interested in talking..not just to me, but Matthew or his son (my dad). I attempted small talk and when we did leave I told him it was great to see him, but I dunno. It was very bizarre. Apparently he had been really horrible to my Auntie when she had to live there for a few days during the moving process. My auntie mentioned that he had some sort of water infection which could have made him delirious but I don't know. It was just a very weird situation. I've never really been very close with him but even I could tell that something was a bit funny. I hope he's okay.
I was talking to a friend earlier today. We aren't mega close, but he's a nice guy and today is a day where he chose to confide in me. I think I'm quite easy to confide in and I feel I'm a pretty understanding person. I feel our eyes often give us away, and I think a lot of people see sadness and maybe even fragility in mine. I suppose it's easy to identify with and could possibly be a strange sense of comfort. I resonated with a lot of his experiences and words, besides drug addiction. We spoke of loneliness, video games being a crutch and experiences with women. I think he feels he is a bit lost, or perhaps with covid and every day becoming groundhog day and meshing together, it's very easy to lose yourself in crutches, chaos and addiction. He's a smart guy, I think he just needed to vent. He spoke of wanting a partner again, as he feels ready for that and I suppose I do too now. Dating isn't something I'm actively seeking at the minute but it does wander through my mind every so often. I think some people are dependent on it, or at least have sexual desires and needs. I think for me it's more companionship, as much as I feel that I'm probably ready to run wild sexually, it's more having somebody to relate to on an emotional level, than just frenzied sex I guess. I suppose it's a win/win if you can have both.
The final thing I've been thinking about lately, during my latest episode of depression was social media. How vile and toxic it is, and how envious it can make us. We shouldn't feel the way we do, but we do. It's a weird feeling of something 'never being enough' and you can apply it to anything: somebody buying a new car, somebody going on holiday, somebody getting the job you always wanted. Social media is prevalent and will only grow larger. I don't despise it, far from it. I'm on all social media: Facebook, Instagram, Twitter etc. I just feel that often our judgement is clouded and we aren't seeing things clearly. I am incredibly guilty of this, we aren't appreciative of what we already have. We want and desire more, because we are constantly reminded about it through various tweets, posts and pictures. These should be goals of ours, rather than obsessions of envy and jealousy. We can all be happy and move in the right direction. You want that car? Lets work hard and lets go and get it! I think it's very easy to lose ourselves and appear ungrateful. Honestly, I'm so lucky being back here with my family whilst I pursue studying. I am very lucky. I'm so thankful that I've managed to work things out and have direction in my life. It didn't come without a ton of mistakes and a lot of hurt, but I've made my peace with it.
I have good days and bad days and often it does feel that I'm engulfed by a cloud of rain that sits on my head no matter where I choose to walk, but I don't stop walking. It's a tough thing when you're in a rut or you lack motivation and inspiration. You just have to endure. I don't want to get too philosophical but, I just think we're in control of our own destinies and we should only scroll up and down Facebook or Instagram or whatever for so long before thinking about our own lives and what we truly want out of it.
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