Emily

Day In the Life of an American Teen
2020-08-27 20:48:17 (UTC)

Oops

They found like 3 other dead vapes. Lol. I just tell her the truth that I have a new one. She tries to take my phone away but I hit her with the, "Do you still love me?"

Lmao. She gets all sad. Of course I do. She hugs me. I keep my phone and the vape. Lol. And she says she's the best manipulator. I feel so completely emotionless. I don't really care if she loves me I just want to feel good. If anything I hope she would just kick me out already. The first I would do is acid. I'm never going to stop doing drugs. As soon as I earn any trust back, I'll take my dog for a walk, and I'll buy off of someone else. She said she'll take it when she gets off of work. That's 5 hours to hit it at least 200 times so it's dead. That's 40 times a hour. I can do that. I'll get my money's worth.

I just can't help it. It feels too good.

She asks me why. It's better than cutting myself. I like the blood sure, but everytime I hit it I just think about how it's completely destroying my body and it makes me feel so much better. It makes me feel good, and it's destroying me without really hurting. And its less noticable. I dont have to hide my thighs. Acid is the best though.

She asks how does she know if I'm not unrolling cigarettes and filling them with weed. I told her I don't smoke weed anymore. "But you did."

Yeah, and used to be a stripper. Should I assume you're going to your stripper job instead of your waitress job? "But I'm an adult."

What the actual fuck does that have to do with anything. But okay. Adult who screams and throws fits like a child. Fuck off.

She tried to make me go to work with her. I hate getting in the car alone with her at all. She'll take me some place and abandon me I just know she will. She'll drop me off at some rehab without a single word. I just know it. I don't trust here. Lol who doesn't abandon me at this point. Honestly the only person is Leo. He always come back. He told me he loved me. "Goodnight gorgeous." He's the only one.

I know if I tell her how I love to hurt myself she'll get all dramatic and hide the knives and take the art supplies out of my room. It's not even worth it. I just wanna fast forward.
-----
That was earlier today. Landon gave me a big hug in the kitchen. I've never felt somebody hold me so tight. I don't like saying sorry, but I bought him his fortnite battle pass. He knows what I mean.

Leo sent me a screenshot of his other girls and then got mad when I screenshotted it. He never screenshots any of the pictures I send. So i just stopped sending him pictures of myself. I just thought he didn't wanna see me.

"All you ever do is send me pictures of your stupid ugly cat."

My cat's funny. She does funny things. I send pictures of her to everyone. It's something that makes me happy so just self-consciously I just wanted to share it with everyone else. Everyone else always loves her. It was just something that always made me happy I just wanted to share it.
He's so mean.

I wanna tell him how bad he's hurt me. How I close my eyes when I use the bathroom so i don't have to see myself or go to the bathroom at work to cry because I can't get his voice out of my head. That I can spend a hour staring at the ceiling while pressing play on every word he's ever said.

He would only get mad if I told him that. "Stop being the fucking victim. You're the liar and the cheater." I can already hear it. I don't try to be the victim. He's just done some mean stuff. He'll never understand.

If I could kill him I would. Nothing sadistic. Just shoot him. I'd watch him look at me in shock with his mouth gaping open as he clutches the bullet in his heart. One in the stomach for that awful pit I feel all the time. One in his dick. Or maybe the first thing I would do is just cut it off. I'd leave him there. That way I can be free and no one else gets to have him. So much for nothing sadistic. I don't think it is. He deserves it.

I took one of those quizzes where you line up the lines with your face and it tells you how scientifically pretty you are. I got a 87%. Could've been 50. Why don't I feel pretty then. I'm not pretty to Leo. All his others girl are latina. "Yeah, you would be more fun if you were Latina."

His type is alt girls, skirts and dark hair and extra make up. I wear baggy sweatshirts because I feel so dirty I don't want anybody to see me. I've got blonde hair and can't ever afford the make up or outfits he likes. Why is he even still talking to me. If I'm not pretty and he has other replacements already why is he still talking to me? Wasn't pretty enough for Odin. That's two guys. Out of the amount of guys I've lost count of who said I was pretty. They only said it for nudes. Who'd want nudes from an ugly girl though? Maybe they kind of mean't it? Guess everybody has their preferences.

Think I've just about finished this puffbar. I thought I was gonna throw up at one point. Too much nic. Guess I'll prepare for the withdrawals after it's gone.

I just wanna disintegrate. No tearing off my skin this time. I just want to collapse in on myself until I'm nothing but energy. Just disappear into atoms. I just wanna disappear.




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