Lullaby of Woe

Diary of the lost
2020-08-27 19:03:41 (UTC)

Why am I like this

I think I've been depressed for a few months now. I can't confirm because I haven't been diagnosed because I haven't had myself checked. I find it very difficult to ask for help, even from strangers and especially from my friends and family. There's something about being completely vulnerable to them that I find repulsive. I hate the thought of them seeing me weak, like that sort of thing even matters. I know that I should seek for help but I'm too ashamed to do it. Maybe that's why I'm writing in this instead of talking to somebody. I can't feel anything. I don't think I'm even sad. I'm just empty and numb. I just had a fight with my boyfriend and I think we split up, but I don't feel broken about it, like I maybe should be. There's just an empty spot in my chest. I wish that was physically true.

If I were completely honest, I'm not asking for help, because I don't want help. I want to end. I'm a wimp and I'm a spoiled brat. I don't want to handle whatever life throws at me. Any sort of reward at the end of it just doesn't seem worth it to me. Not like I had any goal to begin with.