Lullaby of Woe

Diary of the lost
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2020-08-27 11:09:38 (UTC)

Just waiting

I've been thinking about killing myself for the longest time. The future just seems so bleak and pointless. People say that there are endless possibilities are there but my chances are limited because I'm a worthless, skill-less, talent-less piece of shit.

The only thing holding me back really is guilt. If I were to commit suicide, my soul will never rest knowing that the people around me will be suffering after I'm gone. And I'm not a christian anymore but the thought of going to hell because I killed myself keeps holding me back. So suicide is off the list, though I am very, very tempted lately. I'd also like to not get sick like with cancer or with covid because that means that we'll be wasting money on hospitalization, and I don't want to sink my dad into even more debt than he already has.

If I could choose, I wish my heart would just stop being all of a sudden. No pain, no mess, no wasted money on trying to keep me alive. But that's, what, a one in a billion chance? Not very realistic. The best I could hope for is an accident. Like, get hit by a car or get impaled. Whatever it is, I hope it happens soon. Because I'm done. If this were a video-game, I don't think I even want to restart. I would just pull the plug and delete it so that there was no memory of me existing.

So now I'm impatiently waiting for my end. I know it may seem cowardly to not off myself but I really don't want to leave shitty baggage on the few people that care about me. I don't want them depressed just because I'm a depressed mother fucker that can't take a hit when life punched me in the gut. It's not fair to them. So I'll just hope that death comes sooner. I don't think I even want to go to heaven really. I just want oblivion. Peace.


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