Scream Above the Sounds
2020-08-19 09:37:49 (UTC)

Rainy Days

it's raining quite hard here today. I love it. I've always loved the rain, perhaps because it often mirrors my mood: glum, gloomy. Like a pathetic fallacy I guess. There is just something oddly comforting and relaxing about it. I plan to go to the shop shortly and pick up a few things. My body clock seems to be in a good place now, I still feel like I'm waking up a bit too early but it's a step in the right direction. University is a month away or so, so it's good to get things in order now. I've been thinking about uni a lot this morning and how it'll change my life. Will I want to work through university etc? Would I want a relationship? I mean the latter is certainly out of the question. I wholeheartedly believe I don't think I'll ever have another relationship and part of me thinks, I don't even want one at this point. It's a very confusing subject. I mean I obviously DO want a relationship, I guess I'm just paranoid that I'll be shit at it and it will inevitably blow up in my face like the last one did. It's something to think about for another time.

Right now I need university to start so I can gauge how difficult things will be, as I know I'll want to keep raiding in WoW, I want to start going to a gym consistently. It's going to be difficult to slot a job or a girlfriend in there. I've honestly grown to enjoy my own company now too, more so than usual. I don't have a crazy high sex drive and even if I did, that's what prostitutes and booty calls are for, right? Not that I have or would engage in either, haha, but you get what I'm trying to say. I do often feel lonely and miss that companionship, 100%. I just don't feel like there's a place for somebody in my life right now. I'm still healing and working towards becoming a better and hopefully more successful person. I think after I've truly found myself then I'll have a better idea of what I want going forward and hopefully will be a lot happier. I just don't want anything to feel forced. Time will tell I guess.


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