Lullaby of Woe
Diary of the lost
College was a mistake
When I was in my last year of high school, like any other student, I was looking for potential universities and courses. I've always enjoyed baking and I always fancied being a flight stewardess. But my parents couldn't afford to send me to universities that have those courses available because they were too expensive. We might've made it work if my brother wasn't in a private university studying a medical course. Not to mention that he was constantly failing and have to repeat multiple classes. It was like burning hard earned money. Money that I knew we didn't have.
My parents always told me not to mind the tuition fees but I couldn't pretend to not see the stack of bills that never seem to go away. I couldn't pretend to not hear my dad drinking almost every night because he was frustrated with the constant monthly payments. They try to shield me from reality but I always knew about the credit card bills, loans, and my brother's tuition fees. Even if I wanted to apply for a culinary course, how could I be selfish like that knowing about our financial setbacks?
So I went to the cheapest university in the country with rooms too small to fit 60 students, where the 2 ceiling fans and outlets don't even work most of the time, and where there were never enough chairs for a single class. I chose a course that I don't even remember why I picked in the first place. I think it was because I thought it was the least expensive one, with only the uniform and books taking most of our budget. And I also thought it was the easiest. Thinking back to it now, those two reasons damned me.
During my 4 years of college, I always thought that I was the dumbest person in class. I was just slightly below average, just barely enough to pass. I did try though. I tried to like the course that I chose, but my heart just wasn't in it. I couldn't care less about the lessons. I couldn't bring myself to care. Out of my friends group, I was always the lowest scoring one. My self-esteem was slowly deteriorating. I couldn't understand why my work was inferior to them, why they could understand the lessons so easily when I had to read it multiple times just to get the point.
I managed to ignore my insecurities for 4 years, but just barely. I couldn't say I hate everything about it since I made some nice memories about my friends along the way. But they weren't very good friends after all since I'm only able to talk to one of them now. Graduating felt, meh. It didn't feel gratifying because I knew there was nothing to be proud of. Even the graduation feast my family made felt bland to me since I felt like I didn't deserve any of it. I still had hope that I would be able to live with my choices, that I would eventually like the path it was leading me to.
A couple of months after graduation, me and my group of friends attended a review class for our upcoming liscensure exam. My brain was melting at that point. We were supposed to cram 4 years worth of knowledge, and so much more, in 4 months. I couldn't understand it before, and there was no difference at the review class either. I found myself thinking, "what am I here for?" At that point, I was crying almost every night. I didn't want to continue. Everyday felt like being slapped in the face by reality, that I knew I wasn't smart enough to pass the board exam. But I still had to finish what I started because we already paid for it, and I didn't want to waste it. I was at my lowest, my depression just seems to keep getting worse. I was like dragging a corpse of myself to get to the finish line.
And in the end, I didn't pass. And to add salt to the wound, I was the only one who didn't pass out of the 12 of us. I was so fucking ashamed. My self loathing was through the roof. I was seriously thinking about just killing myself if it weren't for the guilt. The humiliation was too much. So much that I couldn't bring myself to congratulate my friends. Call it being bitter, but in my emotional state back then, I couldn't bare to see them succeed where I failed. It hurt too much.
A few months after that miserable failure, I landed a job that's kinda related to my field. It was an office job that barely paid the minimum wage. But it was alright because it was a start. It was the simplest of tasks. Call potential candidates and ask them if they were available for an interview. Send text messages alerting applicants that they were eligible for an interview. That was it. It was a smooth enough experience. I tried to do my best with what little responsibility I was given. I was working there for 2 months before the epidemic hit. We were told to work from home but I couldn't do so because the equipment I needed was with my boss. So I've been doing nothing for the past couple of months.
With nothing to do and barely holding on to a job, all I had were my thoughts. I thought about what I really wanted to do, and it all came back to baking. I wanted to build a business selling pastries. It was what I enjoyed doing most. It was what I was good at. I tried making some desserts during quarantine, thinking that I could sell them. My options were limited since we didn't have an oven. I made multiple attempts with various recipes but had to stop at one point. Why? Because ingredients cost money. Money that I was slowly running out of. I slowly spiraled into that pit of self loathing and hate again.
I've never felt so utterly useless. I couldn't make use of my degree. I don't want to return to my office job. Thinking about it just makes me so miserable. I didn't want to go back because deep down, I knew that making calls was the only thing I was going to be good at. I wouldn't be good at taking the lead, or at managing people. I was completely incompetent in that area, like a fish out of water, but baking wasn't a realistic option at the moment. I find myself thinking, wishing, that I wouldn't wake up in the morning. I have no to talk to because I don't have any friends. Even my 2 best friends don't seem like they like me anymore. I feel so alone.
I wish I could say that if I could turn back time, I'd change my decision and choose a different course, but I knew the situation would still be the same and that I'd have to take the course anyway. I wish that when I sleep tonight, I wouldn't wake up in the morning and be done with all of it.