lifesong18

Life On The Line
2020-08-17 19:16:14 (UTC)

Taking Time Out

Hi,
I've had this strange feeling all day, I feel emptiness, like I'm not sure what I'm meant to be feeling. All I know is I need to take time out for myself, I don't want Chris back, I certainly don't want another relationship.. in fact I am certain I couldn't think of anything worse right now. I've lost hope.. hope in myself, in my life and lost hope that I can make anyone happy.

I need to be on my own, I've really lost myself. I'm not suicidal, I'm not even sad... I just feel SO empty, I cannot even explain it properly. It's like all I wanna do is curl into a ball and roll out of there as far away as I possible can.

I feel worthless, I feel in a way violated... The more I think about my last relationship, the more I hate the thought of ever trusting someone ever again. I don't want to risk being used again and me allowing it, I don't want to risk just being someone's back up plan and me allowing it. I look back on my life and realise I have allowed people, especially guys to either violate me, physically or mentally. I've let them do it over and over and me not knowing any different or me not saying it's not ok! When does the cycle stop? It stops when I'm able to tell these people IT IS NOT OKAY! But what if I never have the confidence to ever be at that place? That's why i couldn't think of anything worse right now, another relationship.