Scream Above the Sounds
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2020-08-17 17:15:06 (UTC)

A Vicious Circle

My days are meshing into one. I find myself checking my phone just so I know what the actual day is. The pandemic has just completely distorted my reality, and every day just feels like it's the same thing. I need to break this chain of doing the same boring shit and get out and do stuff. I need to start running again. I think I'm still harbouring a lot of negative feeling and emotion and I probably need to let that out in some capacity or format. I'm frightened if I don't that I may end up snapping, and no good is going to come from that. I'm trying to be positive and be better, it's just hard. I guess my actions have consequences and I suppose it's just a case of making peace with that now.

I've been talking to one of my friends about university, he's trying to get me hyped for it..and I am. I guess I just know it's not going to be THE university feeling, plus I'm 29 so I can hardly rock up to freshers or anything like that; not that there will BE anything like that with covid. I couldn't imagine myself going out to clubs or whatever anyway to be honest. I guess I experienced this 'freshers' life back when I was 18..I just wasn't actually studying myself. I was out 2-3 times a week back then, I used to frequent a rock club when doubles were £1.50..those were the days. I couldn't do anything like that now. I'm definitely starting to feel my age, where I would rather just sit at home and read a book, or play video games...or apparently watch The Crown on Netflix (which is what I've been doing the past day or two). I'm excited to meet new people, sure. I wouldn't describe myself as super approachable but I guess it's an exciting prospect all the same. I need University really bad. Uni will help break this vicious circle and restore some normality. They did confirm to us via an e-mail that we WOULD be in the university but they haven't stated how many days. 'Blended Learning' and being homeschooled is definitely happening, I guess they just want us in if they deem it safe enough.

I've been trying to distract myself from all this negative energy and for lack of a better word, bullshit, that is going on in my head at the minute. I've been playing Fall Guys on Steam with two of my best friends and it's fucking hilarious. I don't know how something so simple can be so great. Those guys have made bank. I can't wait to see what other maps and games they release for it. It's a pretty great distraction, as games often are. It also stops the feelings of worthlessness/loneliness temporarily. I kinda just want to fast forward a couple of years to see how my life is; if I'm any happier or at least slightly more fulfilled. It's anybody's guess at this point. I'd like to think I would be. I think I just wish I sorted my life out a lot sooner. I was just so comfortable: in a relaitonship, in my job..everything. The years just passed me by. It's great to see how far I've come and that I'm obviously on the right road now. I guess I just always have a foreboding feeling that everything is going to turn to shit.