Lullaby of Woe

Diary of the lost
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2020-08-17 15:13:28 (UTC)

I hate my body

When I was growing up, I was always teased for being thin as a stick. I wasn't just skinny, I was THIN. Not only that, I was also underweight. I wasn't unhealthy or anything. In fact I always took my vitamins and ate regularly. I admit, there were times when I wished my wrist was a little thicker but I was perfectly fine with my weight. I didn't usually exercise or worked out because my joints and my tailbone always hurt from the effort and I was afraid of permanent damage. I took pride in being able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. So I ate a lot.

After I graduated college, I noticed something. My belly was getting bigger. I was giddy because I was finally getting some meat on my bones. They would finally have no reason to keep teasing me about my bones always sticking out. My butt was getting rounder too, which was extra nice. But then the rest of my body got fat in a sloppy way. The shape that I was proud of was gone. My hips were wider but my height stayed the same. My body looked so disproportionate. I looked like a short, slab of meat.

I looked in the mirror one day, and I hated the reflection that stared back. I didn't recognize myself anymore. My face was the same but my body was of a stranger. I wasn't overweight but I hated the thick thighs, arms, and stomach that bulged out of my clothes. If we weren't still in quarantine, I would've sunk into depression knowing that other people were looking at my ugly body every time I step out of my house.

I know that my struggle pales in comparison to other people's similar issue, but I hated it just the same. I looked in the mirror less and less. I started eating less too. I'm not body shaming anyone. I'm all for body positivity. But I don't feel good about my body. I loathe the person I see in the mirror. So I'm gonna do something about it instead of wallowing in my self loathing.


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