from my heart
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2020-08-17 00:47:49 (UTC)

is it all for nothing

1:48 am

every day has been feeling like a blur lately. im finally getting the chance to lay down in bed.

sometimes i feel like its hard to explain down my thoughts and feelings because theres so much on my mind yet im so tired to even write them down. my mind always feels like a mess..

one thing that made me really upset today was that at work, sometimes i feel like im not good enough. i feel like i make a lot of mistakes and it makes other people annoyed. im always so self conscious at work. i try my best but sometimes it feels unnoticeable. in fact it feels like people think i have it easy.

today was so busy.. at night so many people came all at once and i was running around everywhere for probably 3 hours minimum. the short moments i could get a break i remember thinking in my head “my legs feel wobbly” or “im so tired” and id go back to reality and do everything i had to do.

i feel like i try my best to be responsible for a lot of things and sometimes i wish i didnt have them. i wish i can be reckless with things and if mistakes happened it wouldnt be that big of a deal. i feel so burnt out and tired.

sometimes i wonder where my life is headed. i wonder if all i work even matters. when i die $600 is nothing. cash money is nothing. my phone that is worth so much is nothing. everything is nothing. i wonder if im just putting all my effort for nothing and also if my efforts in general are nothing.

i wonder if what i love and care about really matters. i think the scary thing about death is not death itself but the fact that when we die we just lose control of ourselves. we wouldnt know how to think or feel.. we wouldnt know anything. but then again who am i to even speak about what happens after death if i have never experienced it? i guess i should still live my best even if death might make it nothing because living makes it something.

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