taintedinnocents

gayandlonely
2020-08-16 20:25:33 (UTC)

Sex Addiction

"Sex Addiction"
Those two words made me so depressed, my boyfriend found out I was on manhunt and my caption read "Looking for a daddy."
he's 13 years older than me but even so he was shocked, he didn't understand why Was I looking for a daddy? and how could I explain to him yes I'm in my early twenties but I have a degree I'm earning good money relatively driven why would I need a daddy? Im living alone paying my own bills it didn't make sense to him. i cried so much that day and fell into deep depression. Having dated a meth addict I associate destruction and pain with addicts , I associated a hopelessness with addicts.

"Im a sex addict."
I said to him and I began to explain to him the concept of a daddy in my mind I tried to explain that , that was my high, rape had become my high being sexually abused at a very early age the only way I could turn that disgust into something I could live with was by telling myself I want it
so instead I seeked out older men and searched for a sense of control because i wanted it , if i was touching them if i was searching for them i was in control not them.

"Im a sex addict."
i told my friends their response you're just picky that's all? everyone watches porn.. its okay to browse on grindr just don't do anything.

They don't understand... i spend five hours masturbating , I'm up at 4 am watching porn, i have this desire go to bath houses and throw myself at men I'm not even attracted to just so i can numb the pain of being me, I hate myself , everyone thinks I'm so strong and happy they all say our innocent my smile is, but they don't see me... to me I'm just this boy who was raped and used 5 times over by men and woman as a child and as an adolescent and when the pain got too much I began fucking my way through people , men or woman it didn't really matter , over and over and the more i did it the more the pain went away.

the better i became at it too, i even stopped kissing them or knowing their names most of my friends I've been sexually involved with. I let myself be the object people taight me to be.

but now years later I have a career a beautiful boyfriend who is kind and enduring , patient I'm earning money and I'm somewhat not that sad pathetic boy anymore, I'm recognized at my university as one of the top students, people say I inspire them.

but still I watch porn for five hours , i go to work exhausted my brain wont stop all the dopamine is affecting my short term memory , I'm not cooking for myself the way I use to , i come from work and jack off to porn for hours fasting practically which leads to losing weight , i blame work stress but in truth I'm suffering.

I'm not well and I don't know what tp do , because my life is finally together Ive worked so hard to get here and this behaviour is ruining me, its ruining my sleeping patterns, its ruining my relationship it has the potential to ruin my career. it takes all of me not to contact 5 different men right now and just sleep with them so I don't have to feel this severe disgust with myself or pain or depression but I'm trying because I love my boyfriend so much and if I'm being entirely honest I don't think I deserve him he crosses oceans to make me smile to alleviate my stress and Im scared all ill do is hurt him.

i cant have sex with him everytime we intimate i get this overwhelming feeling of anxiousness over men as if I'm being raped all over again like my body is triggered and unable to reciprocate his desire to be intimate.

how do i explain to him that i can go to a bath house sleep with 5 different strangers in one night without knowing their names and stories or even caring but I can't have sex with the one man who truly knows me and respects that I actually having sex with him and i have no idea why.

I don't know what to do.




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