LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
Ad 2:
2020-08-15 18:34:05 (UTC)

Diagnoses Pt. 2 - relationships

1. Isaac
My first boyfriend, our relationship lasted maybe a month. We had been friends for about a year before this, during which he developed a crush, and then when we came back to school in the fall he began making advances. I sort of had a mild crush on his for awhile before that. I used to see him in the halls before we were friends and he never looked at anyone and he never seemed to be in a hurry. He spoke to me once, when he saw I was reading "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest," and that's when I started looking at him more. He was really pretty but I never really felt a desire to date him; I did want to be his friend really badly, though.
Anyway, I began to get very mad at him frequently while he was obviously crushing on me. I didn't like the feeling of someone looking at me. But I dunno, it was kind of more abstract than that? Or less abstract. Sandwich didn't like Isaac, and that influenced my opinions and desires deeply, because I had a desperate need to get Sandwich to like me (I idolized him). I couldn't stand the idea of him disapproving someone I liked. And Sandwich made me see all the things wrong with Isaac and they started to outshine the parts of him I liked. But Isaac was really insistent and I didn't... I don't know. I kept changing my mind. Rationalizing one way or the other. I didn't really think about whether it would cause problems, because I figured whatever the consequences would be, eventually they would fade.
But then when we were actually dating, I started to feel disgusted. I would lay awake at night unable to sleep, wanting to throw up because I felt both like I wanted something but also I didn't. Which is when I realized something was wrong lol. But I couldn't tell if it was me or the relationship, and I'm still not sure. I just remember once he touched me and I felt so... weird. I felt so, so weird, and then I started crying and I couldn't stop and he was very concerned, lol. I told him some things I wish I hadn't (i.e. that I had GAD and had tried to kill myself). But it didn't help, and I think that's because that's not what the real problem was. When he told me to never "do something like that again" I think it made me nauseas. Or at least it makes me nauseas now. Sandwich said the same shit, lol. Don't do that again. Now, it makes me irrationally angry. Fuck you. I won't. But you insisting doesn't help. I know they're trying to express their love. But I despise it.

Back to Isaac for a brief moment. I think I briefly wanted him again at the beginning of this summer. He's still very, very pretty and a decent guy, entertaining and all. I got over it quick enough, partly due to rationalizing but mostly because suddenly the feelings just went away and I felt extremely irritated by him. Extremely! That feeling is still there, which I am trying hard to ignore, because I really value his friendship and I feel shitty unconsciously harping on his "flaws." The truth is, he has been very sweet and entertaining this entire time we've reconnected. Sometimes I get suspicious of his motives, but then other times I look at myself and how washed up I am, how fat I feel, uninspired, dead-ended, and I'm like—no way he is interested in that way (a moment of relief). I'm paranoid and informed by our long-gone relationship from 3 years ago LOL. Am I interested in him in that way? I don't know. I was, for a moment. Now, I am disgusted by the idea for some unplace-able reason. I think my friends will dislike him (especially Matt). I think my family too. I think I would dislike him as a significant other.

2. Diego
OK this was recent. I didn't like Diego when we first started working together, because he was super annoying and I felt like he was a slacker (aw I'm smiling writing this because now I just remember how sweet he is. He's a first grade teacher now and he sent me a picture of a zoom meeting with a bunch of kids this morning lol). I didn't like him but I started to develop a crush on him anyways??? And he's very touchy so when he would touch me I'd feel sparks and I hated it and was ashamed of myself. I didn't even find him attractive—except apparently I did. It was confusing. Anyway the crush went away and we became friends. He still annoyed the shit out of me all the time, but that was kind of our rapport, and I think lots of people who worked with us saw that as flirting (I want to cry again, this time because I miss all of my co-workers. Catering prep was a really good job and it ended prematurely).
Then I remember getting increasingly annoyed with him last fall, because it felt like he kept actually flirting with me, and he'd say and do weird shit. Always asked for hugs. And was very hut that I kept flinching away from his touch, but I was really paranoid about "leading him on." That has been a very great fear of mine since Adrian. I worry a lot about boundaries when it comes to boys. Later, he confessed his feelings, and I think we both felt a lot better after that. We had winter break, spent that apart—then we came back and it felt like he was even more open with his flirting (later, he told me it was because he felt like he wanted to give me love, but he didn't realize I thought he expected something in return).
I also realized I really liked him at this time and so I cried a lot and was very anxious about this lol. I don't know if I wrote about it a lot—or if I did, I might not have mentioned the reason, because I was very ashamed of myself for having a crush. Anyway we had another talk about boundaries (I didn't tell him abt my crush, I thought it would confuse things), and things were mostly fine, and I was nursing my diminished-but-still-there crush in solitude (ranting about it to Nadiya when drunk), and still also dealing with other stuff. Then COVID came around, and before he went back to Texas, he slept over twice and things got weird. Then I had this moment where i realized I liked all this stuff but also hated it and felt weird and disgusting and ashamed and I couldn't tell anymore, if I liked him or not. I still don't know. I think so. I don't know. We had a bit of a pseudo-relationship for a bit and now it has sort of returned to being a friendship, which is good. More comfy.

3. Moby
We had a romance from around Dec. 2017 - February 2018. Not quite sure what we were doing, but it was clearly non-platonic. I was also going through a lot at that time so I think that definitely didn't help matters, but I would've self-sabotaged anyways. Basically, what happened, is I really liked him but then I wouldn't be able to feel it sometimes. I would just get so disgusted and ashamed and nauseas that I couldn't feel it. So I broke up with him. And then immediately realized that was a mistake. It was a mess and it was too recent for me to want to think about it. I thought I was in love. I might've been, idk. But it wasn't sustainable and I feel bad for how messy things became.

4. Adrian
Not much to say here that I haven't already said. We had an extremely rocky friendship and it made me into a person that I hated. Well, I hate most versions of me, but this one especially. We were always fighting, and he was in love with me, and I felt responsible for it. I rarely explained my anger to him, just because I was always angry and I felt like I wasn't justified (I didn't trust myself). I think now, some of my anger was justified, and other was just spillover from the actual justified anger lol. Instead of talking to him about it, it came out in little bursts, and I spent most of our friendship hating him with brief glimmers of really good times when we got along perfectly and I felt like we would be friends forever. After the Halloween Incident of 2017, I intended to end our friendship and just basically ignore him. That didn't work out to well, so I basically told him, "I don't want to be friends," and then I blocked his number and his socials (I only recently unblocked him, which I think was ok; I don't feel particularly angry anymore).
This relationship was definitely a weird one— a pseudo-marriage, lol. On one hand, I think I was right to get out of there (I mean I think I did right by *both* of us). On the other, I think a lot of my feelings towards him were really strange and confusing in a way that isn't just limited to my friendship with Adrian. So it gives me pause. I wonder how much was him and how much was me.

5. Melvin
Ugh. I had an intense crush on him. But also I didn't really have a chance with him. I felt somewhat disgusting with myself, but not really. But I idolized him, even while telling myself over and over again that it would never work because he's too closed-off. But that's exactly what caused me to be interested in the first place.

6. Trip
Also somewhat recent so I, uhhh, don't really wanna consider it in detail. Dated him in July last summer. Just some hook-ups and chats. He was really cool. Clearly fucked up, but we got along pretty well, and he was really hot—physically attractive, but also just in the way he kissed and touched me. I remember I laughed when on our first hang-out I kissed his nose and he was like, "Don't fall in love with me." LOL. What kind of dude says that. But uhhh.. I sort of did, lol. I was so fucking maaaad. I had a crush on him. Then I went over and we kissed a bit, he said something that sort of jabbed at my new and vulnerable feelings towards him—it felt like rejection. I started crying a lot. I cried so so much that night. I remember I was like "don't kiss me, my nose is all snotty," and he said, "I don't care," and then after he did it he went, "Wow, you weren't kidding," lol. We almost had sex that night, but he didn't have a condom. Later he cried because he missed his ex-girlfriend. I was a poor comfort—I felt no empathy towards him. I was tired and full of shame and all sticky/rancid from sex stuff. I kept crying the next day too. I cried at work in the bathroom at the end of the day, and I remember being so humiliated, because I think everyone knew I was crying, especially Melvin. I was ashamed of myself for being the kind of person who cries like that, over stupid stuff. I spent that whole summer moody and crying and depressed and thinking about how empty things felt.
That was the last time Trip and I saw each other. I think we were both ashamed. I texted him a few months later to see how he was doing, and he sounded like he was doing great—he started college, etc. I was glad. But I also knew I was texting him because I wanted to make out w/ him lmao. So I stopped. We didn't have that much in common anyways. LOL I said I didn't want to consider this in detail and yet I did. Not as painful as I thought it would be. Still not great, though.

7. Matt
We lived together last summer. We got into a few "arguments" (disagreements, more like) because he felt like I wasn't showing him enough affection. It made me sort of mad, but also really guilty, and I tried harder I think? But it was hard because I was super depressed. Basically he felt like I was putting work before the project we were working on together (music video), but yeah, I was actually just super scared to work on something with him because I super admire his creative talent. Then I got mad at him because he said some really shitty things about my old teacher Sandwich (maybe justified but I still hadn't fully processed the "inappropriateness" of our friendship and how much I idolized the guy). But then at the start of the school year we got into a huge fight for a different reason—something he had said to the people in whose apartment we had lived over the summer—and it basically blew up and became a fight about everything I had done wrong, lol. I think I was justified in being angry at that time, but once we resolved the fight, I remained mad at him and never mentioned it. For like four months. And to be honest, it didn't even really occur to me that I was mad at him. I just told myself I didn't care about being his friend (although I was concerned because it felt like I was pushing him away the same way I did Goose—a previous roommate—and that's a whole other weird relationship that ended because I suddenly hated him oh my god).

8. Liv. I remember at the beginning of our friendship, I went from loving her to getting really irritated and upset with her all the time. This was a long time ago and both of us were kind of strange about it; ultimately, our friendship managed to survive, although it has changed a lot since then, and there were those several months in which Liv didn't talk to me for some reason, lol. Whatever.

9. Lancelot. One time in December he didn't answer my e-mail and I emailed him twice more in the coming week because it was unusual behavior for him and it was sort of a time-sensitive question ("hey do I have an appt this Thursday?" which eventually became "Are you dead? Lol. I looked it up but couldn't find ur obituary hahaha"). I was also having a very rough time. He apologized a lot, turns out he'd forgotten to answer my e-mail; it got lost among his to-dos. He was so apologetic (felt it was a huge breach of trust) that it kind of made me mad. He kept asking if I was really okay with it, and I was. The next few months of therapy were really weird and not very productive, and eventually I realized that I think I had actually been mad at him and that I *did* actually feel really upset that he had broken my trust; I was in a time of need and he is the only one I sort of trust to help carry the burden of my moodiness but he wasn't there. What disturbed me most, was that I didn't realize I was mad at all. I really thought I was okay and he stopped asking me eventually because it would instantly make me angry.

10. Goose
This, I don't remember. Our friendship was weird and kind of too-close. We remained friends for a while after we roomed together, but eventually I felt weirdly... angry and upset with him, and I'm still not sure why. So we kind of grew apart. I still feel a bit guilty about this. One of the last conversations we had in our apartment, Goose said he couldn't maintain friendships for very long, and he felt like people kept leaving him. I promised I wouldn't. Then I did, lol. I do really feel bad about that.


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