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2020-08-15 17:49:21 (UTC)

Diagnoses Pt. 1

"Jonny" by Faye Webster [this song makes me feel both calm and sad]

I'm losing my mind
Why the hell did I paint these walls white?
And I wonder, what's the point of this life?
Sometimes I'll pray but I will never close my eyes

I want to be happy
Find a man with an old name just like me
And get over how my dog is my best friend
And he doesn't even know what my name is

Jonny, did you ever love me?
Jonny, help me figure it out
Not that I've paid attention
But you haven't said it out loud
Jonny, do you see what you're doing?
What you're making me think about?
This wasn't 'posed to be a love song
But I guess it is now

August 15, 2020 Saturday 3:33 PM

Feeling very slow and. I wanna say "empty" but I don't think that's right. I'm just inert. There's stuff going on in there, trapped energy and such, released in intervals by my fiddling hands and my rocking leg (brought back to my chem exam, first semester at Brown, Karina was sitting next to me and she put her hand on my knee to still the movement because she was also nervous and it was making it hard for her to concentrate, so I stopped bobbing my knee. She apologized but I didn't mind, because I felt bad for distracting her).

Now that I am beginning to think, my stomach is starting to hurt a little, which is kind of my natural state lately LOL. I don't know if I "mind" so to speak. I welcome it, in an odd way. The warning signs are that I can't remember quite what my view was on these feelings when I was feeling happy/content in May and June. I think I was too content to think about bad times. Oof I have to poop. Maybe I'm not anxious, lmao.

Part of me thinks/hopes I have an ulcer because I've been burping a lot in the past 3 weeks and I never used to burp. But I've also been extremely anxious and moody (intermittent crying episodes, as I have described in previous episodes) so it could be that. But I've been moody before (obviously) and it's never made me burp. Hmm. Maybe I just happened to learn how to burp. I dunno. Anyway. I should probably just cut to the chase.

I'm kind of hung up on diagnoses. My doctors and I have never really spoken about diagnoses and I was scared to ask because I had (and have) a very strong feeling that Lancelot wouldn't want to tell me. And he wouldn't want to tell me because I am very obsessive. And I think I would be hesitant to argue with him (usually I argue with him all the time, justified or not) because I wouldn't want to appear like... Like I needed it?? I don't know. Last time, in middle school, I really really really wanted to be assessed for bipolar disorder and I ended up getting the diagnosis, only to realize later that 1) I don't really relate to the bipolar experience (my mood swings don't happen in the same patterns) and 2) the treatment for bipolar doesn't work for me at all (see: over a year on 400 mg of Seroquel—antipsychotic, and I think some other mood stabilizing drugs, idk I don't remember it was like 6 years ago).

I don't want the thing to happen, basically, where I push to have a diagnosis applied only to find the treatment for it doesn't really work??? Idk. That doesn't sound like what I'm afraid of. I guess I'm more afraid of what Lancelot will think of me. Like he will think I am manipulative or that everything I say is me gunning to get a certain diagnosis, especially because after looking at my records recently, I have a very very strong bias towards one.

I don't even know why I want it so bad. GAD never felt like enough to me, because it didn't really explain the mood swing aspect of my daily life, but I didn't really... have an opportunity to explore that until college. I've been operating on the lowkey assumpting that I have GAD, depression, and something else. Only I don't know what the something else is. I thought maybe it was a subset of OCD for a bit (not the cleanly one, lol), since I am obsessive, but I think the core of OCD lies in a person's inherent distrust towards themselves. And while that might be true in some ways, I don't feel like... if I'm on a roof and I imagine jumping off the edge... I'm not afraid I will do it unless I back up. I'm more afraid I will randomly trip and fall, which is more a GAD thing than an OCD thing. The source of the anxiety is different even if the actual fear is the same. We both back away from the edge but for different reasons. Does that make sense?

I haven't been actively planning to get a peek at my records (even though I really, really, really wanted to know, it rarely bothers me except for moments in which I am really suffering and I am frustrated that I don't know what is going on), but the idea occurred to me after we made an appointment to see my primary care physician next week. I looked at my patient portal and I realized my meds were really out of date, and overall I found the info on my mental health was really... lacking. But I have a lot of trouble actually verbalizing any of this to my doctor, because I am always really really scared that the doctor might think I'm being dramatic or an attention-seeker or in some other sense manipulative. So two birds with one stone. I realized I could ask my psychiatrist and Lancelot to forward the records to my PCP.

So that meant either I could get a direct look at them by uploading them myself, or my PCP would see the records and then that would be reflected on the patient portal, which meant either way, I would get answers!!! Mwahaha I felt like a genius. Anyway, it has worked, sort of. My psychiatrist sent my papers and was like "Let me know if you have any questions" (I have a lot but I'm scared to ask). When I asked Lancelot I think he decided to write up a page describing the situation (because he said there was "a lot" which makes sense; I've been his patient for 3 years now, which is the longest I've ever seen a doctor for my mental health by the way) and I think he intends to send that directly. I had a feeling he wouldn't want to use me as a middle-man. But whatever.

I got a look at things anyway—
"Psychiatric Diagnoses:
1. GAD
2. Depression unspecified
3. r/O Borderline Personality Disorder"


Had to stop to FT Matt, Nadiya, and Marie, because Matt just moved into our shared apt in Prov and he wanted to show us the amenities. Of which there are a lot. I'm very happy to have moved there!!! Anyway. Then I had to head to work. I'm here now, it's 10 past 5 (десять минут шестьего???? idk I'm bad at doing the time stuff in russian. I think that's right tho). To continue my anxious line of thought, because it is necessary for me to do so:

YEah, so, as you can see, we now have a development. Since at least November of last year, my treatment has targeted not only towards GAD and depression unspecified, but also towards BPD (the "r/O", by the way, means "rule out"—which basically means they have not quite yet decided to apply the diagnosis. It's tentative. And has been tentative for at least 9 months).

The following is conjecture: if I have BPD, I probably have "quiet" BPD, which is one of the subtypes. I've of course taken BPD quizzes online, because as I said, when I get stuck in pits, sometimes I get desperate to know "what is wrong with me" so I look up a bunch of things. I've taken unofficial tests for probably most of Axis I disorders, and a few Axis II disorders, including BPD, and including quizzes specifically looking for "quiet" BPD, but it has never seemed likely because I don't feel like I have unstable friendships or particularly strong abandonment issues, I don't threaten to kill myself, I don't *think* I experience splitting (we'll get back to this soon), and I didn't have any particular childhood trauma.

My romantic relationships have been very rocky, but it's really hard to place why. If I try to apply the splitting thing to this, I sort of see it. Thinking of: Isaac, Diego, Moby, Melvin (ugh), Adrian (not romantic but very weird and I think it applies), uhhh.... and Trip, I guess. Oh, also Matt and Liv, even though those are friendships and not relationships. So let's use these and I'll try my best to be kind of unbiased. I mean, if I'm going to drive myself crazy thinking about BPD and whether I have it, I might as well try to do it properly.

I'm going to put it in another entry.

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