JustPeachy

Muddled Scribbles
2020-08-15 11:37:53 (UTC)

Lazy

It's just me J for the best part of the day. That's exactly the way I like it. Me her. No agenda, nobody to answer to, no eggshells to walk on. I should be cleaning. I should be tidying. There is plenty to do. I am just so tired. That's not a word Matt would use to describe me. 'Lazy. Your so lazy. Fat lazy. You just can't be bothered'. Perhaps that's true. Perhaps it's not. Do things become true if you hear them enough?

I was diagnosed with anaemia several years ago. I never mention it, never do anything about it. I just get up and make do. Thinking about it, perhaps my lack of control over the iron in my blood count only exacerbates my exhaustion. Perhaps that's just me finding an excuse for something. It's alleged I am good at that too. I appear to have many strengths, I am reminded on a daily basis.

As much energy as possible goes into caring for J. Whether that's entertaining, feeding, changing, clothing her. The rest goes into the environment, ensuring it's clean safe. Bottles, toys, disinfecting. Where possible, I avoid spending time with Matt. We do, as a family, for J's sake, appear at social events as a unit. Smiles beaming from ear to ear - radiating positivity to all around. Painting a pretty picture, uses up what little remaining energy I have.

When J has entered slumberland, I have my time. An hour or so. It's healthy, so I am told, to have an outlet. A hobby, watch a film, read. I sit separately to Matt, who doesn't assist with the evening routine. Or any routine, for that matter. Matt has games to play with friends online. But he isn't selfish. He is the most selfless person known, again I am reminded.

J will always come first. Although I am told, I never put her first. I feel selfish, having my time. Unwinding, before sleep. Sometimes, I do not even have the energy to stand shower, brush my hair, eat. Make-up a luxury, nail polish, a rarity. A treatment? Get away. J will always have everything, for as long as I live breathe. Everything.




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