JustPeachy

Muddled Scribbles
2020-08-14 21:15:40 (UTC)

Selfish

I'm pretty sure my Husband hates me. Not in a 'you do my head in' or 'I could kill you sometimes' way. In a genuine 'I hate you' way. Matt* & I have been together just shy of four years. It was a whirlwind - resulting in everything spiralling out of control equally fast. My marriage is an unhappy one. But one that will last a hell of a long time. Because of my Daughter, let's call her J.

My parents should never have been a 'thing'. I wasn't planned - not on either of my parents agenda. Yet I arrived in the Spring of #91 was adored by all. Despite my parents best efforts, they separated shortly after my birth. Their personalities clashed. Knowing them both separately, I sometimes wonder how the hell they survived their first date. My upbringing was unusual difficult. I'd experienced one Christmas with both Mum Dad at the tender age of 6 months. After that, everything was separate. A school report sent to each address, attending alternate nativity shows. Never a family holiday, or meal out. I vowed that my children would never experience an awkward mandatory parents evening or have two Christmases'.

In a random conversation, Matt confirmed my worst fears. If I was to split us up (note he refers to me splitting up the marriage, adding that 'you would obviously do something wrong to cause us to split') he would want 50/50 custody of J. That thought, sickens me. I live for my daughter. She is the only thing that gets me through my painful existence. The thought of not seeing her for 50% of the year, literally shatters me inside. She is the air that I breathe and without her, life is not worth imagining.

So yes, I am selfishly staying in my loveless, painful, unhappy marriage, with the view that J's upbringing with both her parents, cannot be any more damaging than my own splintered experience. Selfish, one of Matt's favourite nicknames for me because, I am thinking about my own childhood. Again, thinking of myself, which is something I am apparently very good at, it will be a horrendous experience for me. But if I have to experience this awful mental pain 100x over, just to give J the best life, I will. Over over.




Ad: