Emily

Day In the Life of an American Teen
2020-08-11 23:47:26 (UTC)

Wow

I cannot believe how many boys I've been through in such a short time. What am I doing? What the fuck am I actually doing?

Sometimes the idea that I'm actually alive hits really hard. Like I can move things. I can touch something. Like I'm doing something. I'm like breathing. I'm not high it's just fucking crazy. Like I'm alive. I'm in the system. I'm here. Most times I don't feel like I'm here. I just feel limp and lifeless and directionless and someone else is moving me with like controls and I'm just along for the ride. I'm here. Like I have bodily functions. I have an affect on the things around me. I'm in someone's memory somewhere. People see me.

I can't believe Odin left. That's never happened before. No one has ever left me. I'm always the one who ghosts. Except for Leo but that's different. I thought Odin was different.

I take Advil just for the fun of taking pills. I know in the long run it's gonna make it less effective for when I'm actually in pain but I'm so fucking bored. I open the fridge but I'm not hungry and I get out paint but then I don't feel like painting. I have the ps4 controller but I don't wanna play video games. I'm just so bored. I'm nothing on my own. I always have someone. I always have some guy to talk to but now that I don't and I don't feel like playing with the ones I have, I'm actually nothing. That's pretty crazy.

Leo leaving doesn't hurt. Like, I'm not crying. That's crazy too. I just feel indifferent. I feel indifferent to anything. If i'm not going to worry about it in 3 weeks, then I'm not going to waste my energy worrying about it now. I just have a feeling he'll come back. He always does. It's different with Odin. I can't believe he used me. I want to hurt him, but I know I don't have that kind of hold on him. I can't believe I even tried to be in an actual relationship. I'm so dumb. If I'm not manipulating a guy and playing the right moves, then they'll leave. I just tried to be nice and to be there for him and he still left. That's the only guy I've like ever really tried with and put in actual effort and was just trying to be there and not play games with. Obviously being real with people doesn't work.

I'm just tired. In every way. Like physically and mentally. Just so tired. This is too hard. I don't feel like being alive.

My cousin got me a puff bar though so that's pretty good. Feels better than I did. I can put it in the space mom made for all my vapes lol. She's crazy.

___

Wrote that yesterday. But also the boy I lost my virginity to blocked me too because I got with Leo. "I don't know why I want to help you so much but I can't fw people who don't make good mature decisions."

I mean, he's not wrong. But I didn't think getting back with Leo would be this fucking bad. What the fuck. No one reacted last time I got with him. So what's it matter. I haven't even told Noe yet. I should just stop telling people things. I didn't know it would be this bad. I just can't help it. Like now that I had a taste I can't undo it. Now I have to go through the whole process of not talking to him again because he blocked me. Why did he even unblock me in the first place.

I texted him on my birthday. He never even mentioned that it was my birthday lol. I don't think he remembered. So why did he even unblock me. He could literally get with anyone else. Sometimes I wish he would've picked Chezni over me.

If Odin hadn't left I wouldn't have even noticed Leo even unblocked me. Why did Odin leave? What the actual fuck. I can't fucking stand this. Some other guy I used to talk to messaged me on the ps4. I could just talk to him. Or maybe my dumbass just shouldn't talk to any guy for once in my life. I just can't help it. I literally don't know how to live without male attention. It feels like literal fucking withdrawal, especially during the night when all there is to do is lay and think about it. And honestly I just really wanna have sex.

I can't log in to my school website to find out my schedule. "Authentication failed." Okay well what the fuck do you want me to do about that? I don't know how to fix that. So I'm just not going to. Fuck it I could just drop out anyway. College is a scam, I don't wanna be a surgeon so fuck all of this.




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