Scream Above the Sounds
At The End Of My Rope.
I feel like I'm getting bad again. Like nobody cares, like I'm invisible or something. I have often felt that if I don't make the first move with people, conversations don't tend to happen. It makes me feel like I'm just a bother, or that maybe people aren't interested in me. I feel like as the years have gone by less and less people are in my life, and I guess I'm at the point now where I don't really have anybody. I feel alone, shackled to my PC chair and confined to the four walls that is my bedroom. I feel sad, lethargic, and honestly a burden to anybody who I guess is unfortunate enough to be chosen by me to engage in a conversation. I think I'm quite shy, certainly initially..but I have often relied on my humour to carry me through friendships and relationships. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope in terms of social aspects.
Through my teenage years I didn't have a great deal of friends in high school. I had a select few and one 'best friend'. That best friend isn't a best friend anymore. I found out he said some pretty bad things about me so I decided it was a relationship I had to cut off. It hurt, and it sucks...but the trust is dead. I don't know what else he has said about me and I just can't have that negativity in my life. I was however very fortunate to form a lot of friends through video games; mainly World of Warcraft and Counter-Strike. I'm still friends with people I met in video games when I was 13 (I'm 29 now). I've even had the pleasure of meeting up with several of them. I've travelled to Sweden to meet one, I've been to barbeques, house parties, casinos. I've had great experiences with them. It's just a shame they live so far away. I guess there is only so much joy you can get from friends via a headset and a microphone. Sometimes I guess I need a hug or for somebody to physically be there for me and tell me that I'm going to be alright.
I don't feel alright, and despite University looming on the 21st of September...I still don't feel alright. I should be excited, thrilled that my hard work is finally paying off..but I don't feel this way. I feel worthless. I feel as if I'm going backwards, maybe not in an educational sense but certainly in terms of socialising. I feel maybe I'm even losing skills I used to have. My confidence is dead. I don't leave the house. I just feel very miserable and alone. There is potential to make new friends at University, but we were e-mailed a few days ago that the first term will be homeschooled due to covid, but I'm too shy and reserved to even approach anybody at this stage or make the first move. Again, it all relates to being a burden. I often feel like I'm treading on eggshells or that people would rather be doing something better than being in my company. Maybe lockdown is getting to me, I just feel so sick of myself.
I don't really know how to fix this or what to do. Video games are a wonderful comfort but it's not enough. They are only a solution and a quick fix for so long. The harsh reality is, as soon as my head hits the pillow I begin to realise how alone I am, and it sucks. Maybe I deserve this? Maybe it's karma. I don't really know. I don't believe I'm a bad person, I've made mistakes, sure. I'd like to think I've made a great effort to sort my life out since 2018. I definitely like myself a lot more. I guess that doesn't say a great deal because I'm so pessimistic and depressive, but I know I'm a better person. I'm just so sick and tired. This feeling has me a bit scared. It reminds me of a feeling and a fear that has always gripped me. The fear of never being fulfilled or finding happiness, regardless of success/prestige/lifestyle. I don't know if anything will ever be enough.