Subtropical Lady

Where Pelicans Fly
2020-07-22 19:51:46 (UTC)

July 2020 (2)

7/11/2020 Saturday midnight

I swear I heard music thumping for 40 minutes again tonight, yet also again, whenever I went outside to try to get a sense of exactly where it was coming from, I didn't hear a thing. WTF?

The most likely plan we're going to go with, assuming life lets us, is that he'll get a holiday job in the fall. Hopefully, that won't be too hard to get due to his age and in a place that tends to give first dibs to minorities, illegals and foreigners whether they're qualified or not to avoid being called racists. Maybe someday people won't be so obsessed with what others think of them or call them.

It's just that there are my sleep issues to think of and the fact that he hates driving. He's always found it to be very stressful. So why put additional stress on us even if it would only be for a week or so? If the 1100-mile drive from Arizona to Oregon could be as disastrous as it was with us nearly getting run off the road, then breaking down, and then getting stuck, I'd hate to think of what a nearly 3000-mile drive may bring us!

The plan is to hop on a plane and fly to a readily available house after hiring a realtor to find what we're looking for, even though I highly doubt it will be that simple for us. Whatever is?

Will be seeing my doctor on the 20th since my neck is a little uncomfortable, especially when I'm laying down. I'd rather just get it over with and find out what it is and what I can do about it if anything at all.

7/12/2020 Sunday 12:21 a.m.

Yesterday my lymph nodes were barely noticeable but by the time I was getting settled in bed, once again they became swollen and tender, especially in my neck.

So I read around some more, and yes, there are some things that can trigger it and one of those things is sugar. I treat myself on weekends and ironically enough, this happened shortly after having ice cream.

Also, here it goes again. Signs my metabolism is speeding up again. Bra’s looser, stomach’s flatter, jumped only half a pound after a big meal… I’ve also been exercising more when I’m not too tired like I am today. Yeah, this is the third fucking day I’ve been tired since the 7th, the fourth since the 29th. Been keeping track on my calendar. It’s like every few days I’m dragging, and I’m getting sick of it. Better than anxiety and when my lymph nodes hurt but still… Can I just have a fucking break for more than a week - a month if I’m lucky - without the fatigue and health issues?!

Last pill cut was 3.5 weeks ago and I’m guessing that the two cuts bumped my TSH up to about 16. So with that being half of the 32 that I started with, maybe that’s all it takes to get back into the single digits, and maybe that affects my weight.

Decided to quit Camp NaNo. I just don't have the imagination and inspiration I used to when it comes to creative writing. Still love to read other people's books, though, and I'm on my fortieth one this year. I was keeping shelves on Goodreads and shelving them by the years I read them, but I think I'll do away with shelves and mark them as read after I've read them or decide I don't like them. The point is to have a list of titles of everything I've either read or tried. It doesn't have to be in any particular order.

The mystery music has been found! It wasn't coming from outside at all which explains why it would seem to stop when I’d go outside. It was coming from the vibrator Tom has under his mattress pad.

Loving my Narciso Rodriguez perfume sample. I've heard people describe others as smelling of cheap perfume or expensive perfume and would wonder how they could tell this. Now I know. It smells awesome! But at around a hundred bucks a bottle, I'll pass.

I was looking at the population statistics since the 50s and how the fertility rate has gone way down while the median age has gone way up, thus driving the population up. Thank God so many women don't want kids these days! I hate to think of what the population would be like if they did!

Saw a movie based on the true story of a kidnap victim. I realized after remembering something incredibly stupid I did when I was around 13, just how truly lucky I was being that I was so stupid, naive, trusting and basically with the mentality and intellect of an 8-year-old if even that. Furthermore, I had yet to develop any strength and could have been overpowered easily.

Jenny, a childhood friend who dumped me in my early 20s for having too many problems for her to handle, got me into both cigarettes and pot. One summer when we were at our summer cottage at the beach, I was dumb enough to wander to the next beach over which wasn't a private beach like ours. It was a public beach full of young people and I would randomly approach whoever and ask them if they had any pot on them. Even snorted a line of coke once, too.

Anyway, one guy said he did, but he wanted to sit in his car and smoke it. It was illegal after all. So I stupidly and bravely got in his car and we got high. He drove up the street where the main entrance to the beaches was and fewer people. Then he says he wants me to give him something in return and as dumb and naive as I was back then, I knew immediately what that something was. I demanded he drive me back and he did. Seeing these movies makes me realize just how damn dumb but lucky I was despite the stranger danger warnings in and out of school I’d received. I don't even remember being scared either. Just totally offended and like how dare he ask that of me! Makes me wonder, though...did whoever this guy was continue to take no for an answer in the future? Or did some unfortunate naive kid like me end up dead in his basement or something?

Had a dream the Dahl blasted off with the saw and I said, “Okay, this is way too much. I'm going over there. Every few days is too much even for the time we have left here.”

Surprisingly, our house looked like this house (unusual in my dreams) except for the placement of the bedroom closet.

We’d just gotten up and were getting dressed. Tom said he’d get dressed and go with me. I agreed that would be better and then said something about hoping I didn't look drunk because my eyes were red from lack of sleep.

“You’re gonna kill someone then,” he said, and I said, “No I won’t. I just want to find out what's going on and for it to stop or at least lessen.”

Well, unless he heard something I didn’t, the rude asshole probably wasn’t noisy yesterday because I went into the bathroom and kitchen too many times not to have heard it if he did.

In real life, if one of us catches him at it while we’re outside, sure, we can ask what’s up. If not, I’d rather go with the late-night anonymous note.

As long as my health is stable, Tom is thinking of getting a job with Amazon in a few months and then seeing if he would be able to transfer to Florida. This would be inland somewhere and the more I think about it, the more Inland is a better idea than coastal. Not just because there's no land on the coast but because it's not like we would go to the beach every day anyway. If we went less often it would keep it more special that way. I lived an hour and 10 minutes away from the beach in Massachusetts and only went a few times during the summers as an adult. Then, during the four months I lived in Connecticut, I was 10 minutes away yet never went. We would also be able to enjoy storms but be safer from serious damage, be less likely to lose power, and even less likely to be evacuated. Maybe we can make beach trips a monthly thing or something like that.

While we're still here I wish I could always be on nights except for when I had an appointment and it could always be summer. It's the only time it's peaceful.

I hope the noise levels in the tester house aren't that bad because I don't want to feel rushed when looking for a permanent place regardless of what state we settle on.

7/13/2020 Monday 4:53 a.m.

Another day of fatigue. :-( I just can't get myself to stay asleep. Instead of waking up once or twice which wouldn't be that bad, it seems like I woke up a dozen times last night.

Lymph nodes keep going back and forth between barely noticeable to being sore. Applying heat to my neck definitely seems to help, though. I soak a washcloth in hot water and put that on my neck.

Down another half a pound. Tom says he doesn't notice my stomach being flatter because it's mostly flat most of the time anyway. Oh really? I didn't know that, LOL.

I still can't begin to guess as far as what’s got my lymph nodes fired up but the fact that yes, it really could be lymphoma is a little unnerving. It's unlikely, but I do have more of the symptoms than I realized when I think about it. Night sweats, a little bit of weight loss, and fatigue. I also read that you don't have to have all or even any of the symptoms to have cancer and that it's a slow-growing cancer that eventually accelerates quickly. That makes me think of how it started off barely noticeable for a few years and now it's progressing. I also can't help but think about my fears of something up there throwing curveballs in our plans to get out of here next spring. Trying not to, though!

I had a dream we were packing, and I was saying that I wanted to wash things when we got to the new place so I wouldn't be putting away dirty stuff. Don’t know why I didn’t wash it before I packed it, but hopefully, this is a sign that we will indeed make it out of here. What I didn't like was the dream where I was punching the code into the door of wherever we’d just moved to and it was 2024.

Got the nail stickers and they're both good and bad. They're actually great in that they're much easier to apply than I thought they would be, and they look gorgeous. Just like real nail polish. Actually, even better. Real nail polish can lose a lot of its glossy shine once it dries but not this. Also, glitter is very hard to remove so I can have glittery nails again without the pain in the ass of trying to remove it. The negative is that they come off easily in the shower, so they're really only good for a day or so.

My nails are definitely showing signs of improvement, so hopefully, it was just nail polish or nail polish remover damage and nothing more. Or maybe the Lamisil really is killing any fungus that may have been present. Now we'll see if the stickers make it worse because fungus thrives in darkness if that's what it was.

I'm frustrated because StatCounter isn't working at all. It hasn't picked up any hits in three days now. I sent them a message but haven't heard back from them yet. I switched back to TIP, which has been more reliable, but I can't hide them. Hopefully, most people will think it's just a generic page hit counter and nothing more. If they click through then they'll find out that I'm able to see a lot more than just how many clicks I get, at least from those left on Earth that don't hide.

7/15/2020 Wednesday 3:29 a.m.

Linda Ronstadt is 74 today. She's getting up there. I wonder how her Parkinson's is doing and if her day-to-day life is a real struggle or not. I pin some interesting pics of her to my Celebrity board on Pinterest every now and then. Believe it or not, I'm finding some I've actually never seen before.

Got some weird-tasting chips the other day from Rite Aid. I like trying new things. The avocado chips were so-so, the olive oil chips were a little better, and the hummus chips were even better. Even so, none of them are worth getting again.

I've learned that the crack of dawn doesn't mean I'm safe from skunks. I was just crossing Astro onto Daisy when one decided to jump out and say hello. I turned and took off in the opposite direction. So this morning's walk is going to wait until there's more light. I don't want the direct sunlight glaring in my eyes, though. I swear the skunks get worse each year! I never saw one at the crack of dawn before.

I upped my review from 4 stars to 5 stars on the nail stickers. They are truly fantastic! I think the only reason they came off in the shower was that I showered too soon after applying them. You really have to wait for a couple of hours as it says to. I used the bath gloves today and had no problems at all. Applying a topcoat to one hand to compare to the hand that I didn't apply it on doesn't seem to really make a difference. Both hands are holding up well. Such a great alternative to having to deal with nail polish and polish remover damage! No drying time either which is also great.

They give you two different sizes for the thumbs. I used the smaller one, of course. Found that the bigger one fits my big toe perfectly. So maybe I'll use them for my big toes and then I would just polish the other toes which are so tiny that they're barely even noticeable, LOL.

For a while, I’ve been cutting my nails every week to get the damaged parts off, but now I'm looking forward to growing them out long which has always been easy for me to do. Makes typing a bit of a pain as well as using the phone, but since I mostly rely on voice typing, I'll be fine.

I love these stickers so much that I'm ordering two more packets today. One contains various designs, mostly with shades of soft pink, and also a pack of gradient colors. Makes you look like you just stepped out of an expensive salon! I love how I can have glitter and not have to struggle to remove glitter nail polish which is a major bitch no matter what I use, including removers that promise to make removing glitter easy but don’t.

Fortunately, it's looking like my nails were damaged after all from constant nail polish and there might not be any fungal infection of any kind because when I gently peeled back one of the thumbs (I couldn't peel the one with a topcoat), I didn't find that the discoloration had worsened. Fungus thrives in the dark, so since the nail stickers block light, the discoloration would have darkened if that's what it was.

7/16/2020 Thursday 7:17 a.m.

For any future historians that read this, this is the first time the critical coronavirus cases have hit 60k. Unfortunately, my state broke a record yesterday with new cases. There are now 92 deaths in Sacramento County. If people could quit protesting and rioting, that would really help slow the spread. Now isn't the time to be whining about the things that piss you off or the injustices of the world by the hundreds and even the thousands in public, masks or not. Do your venting from home!

So Nick Cannon expresses his hate for Jews yet gets to keep his show. Typical double standards. If he were white and bashing a non-white, he’d be kicked off in a heartbeat.

I'm also finding the reparations that are in order in North Carolina to be a bit ridiculous. You can't change or undo the past and I don't see why the people of today need to be punished for the evil deeds of those from hundreds of years ago. They call it “history” for a reason and while it may have been a shitty one, obsessing and dwelling on the past can’t possibly be helpful. Grow up and move on!

Back to the virus. This second surge of cases really sucks, and I know it all isn't due to protests and riots but people’s stupidity. I may not be the brightest person in the world but sometimes I am really embarrassed to be part of the human race as dumb as it often is. It goes to show how many people will put having fun and making money and other things before the health and safety of others.

My current schedule has allowed me to go out walking early in the morning. I just wish my right hip wasn't so stiff. I don't think it's the joint but the sciatic nerve. That's the least of my concerns, however. Right now I'm concerned about whatever is going on with my lymph nodes. I'm not worried but I'm definitely curious. It just doesn't seem right. The way I can feel like something's there when I move my head in a certain position and even when I swallow at times just doesn't seem normal. I'm more worried about what it may cost to find out what it is and to deal with it than I am about it killing me or anything like that.

Sometimes I wish I would get something terminal not because I'm suffering at the moment, thankfully, but because I'm just so damn bored so often! Yesterday seemed to drag on and on forever. There were things I could have done but I just didn't feel like doing them. I didn't even feel like eating much, though I ate enough to be a little surprised to have lost two of the three pounds I gained back.

Sometimes I not only miss things like having good vision, my libido, and other things but also being more emotional like I once was. I do and I don't miss it. It's just that as I've learned, those emotions were kind of tied into both my libido and story writing if that makes any sense. I miss having crushes which I don't even have anymore which also seems to be tied to the libido.

Saw a white car parked in front of the empty lot where the house was removed. What, did the woman who owns the place sleep down in the crawl space in a sleeping bag or something? I've been wondering where she's been staying all this time and I'm surprised the new house hasn't been brought in yet. This would be an ideal time to bring the damn thing in, though, since I'm not sleeping during the daytime now. I'm like, just get it over with so we can get on with whatever the next annoying project may be.

I'm wondering if that next one will be road work a couple of blocks away. I see new markings on the road, not at all surprising. I just hope to hell we get out of here before they're tearing up the roads around our place yet again!

He signed up for Peacock TV and upgraded to commercial-free since we both hate commercials. I checked it out, but just like with Hulu and Netflix, there's too much stuff I've already seen. Either that or it doesn't interest me, it's in another country, or it's about subjects I'm sick of. He’s going to enjoy it for a while, though. I’m happy enough with my LMC.

Fucking Amazon, though. I ordered Prime Music to be canceled last month but the greedy bastards didn’t cancel it. I’ll have to keep a close eye on that.

I had a dream my mother was alive, and I met up with her somewhere. She gave me her typical disapproving look even though I was dressed appropriately at least according to her standards. We got in her car and began talking about cooking.

The other day I was going through old pictures of my parents and they really seemed quite active in their golden years and like they did a lot, but then they had a lot more money than we'll ever have. It was weird seeing pictures of them and thinking about these two people's lives and all the things they had and did that are now just gone as if they never existed. I didn't feel the sadness, however, that most people might have felt. Too many years of abuse and neglect does that to you, I guess. They may be dead and gone but what they did wasn't okay, it never will be okay, and they’ll never be forgiven either.

The nail stickers are still holding up well although the right hand is starting to peel back a bit at the tips since I'm right-handed.

7/17/2020 Friday 1 p.m.

My future termite plan will be to unblock the drama queen a year after we leave but not the offspring. I'll comment on something of Norma's so that she'll see it, preferably something she's commented on first so she'll get a notification, even though she wasn’t big on leaving comments in general. If that prompts her to message me as I hope it does, I'll hit her with the journal excerpts in response, and unblock the other bitches long enough to send them their own copy.

I hope nothing's wrong with Bob and Virginia. There were three vehicles over there yesterday. Today there are a couple, plus medical supplies were delivered earlier, so I'm guessing Bob is now on oxygen.

Tom said he saw a guy carrying a tote by the vacant lot yesterday. Maybe to a shed somewhere in back?

For the first time ever, I'm glad Tom's older than me so I can end my life a decade sooner than it probably would have ended naturally. That's because I'm bored out of my fucking mind so damn much of the time. There are only so many days I can keep doing the same damn things over and over again. I swear it's like there's become way too many hours in a day! So about 22 more years of boredom other than when we're moving, of course. And maybe a couple of vacations as well. Other than that, it's the same old, same old. There's only so much writing I can do as well as editing and reading and watching movies. Hell, maybe I should just pick back up with Camp NaNoWriMo while there's still time, I figured. So I added another chapter to Roomies even though I don't expect to win.

The gradient nails came today and they're awesome! Slightly bigger than the others so I may have to use the first ones I got as a template. Can't say for sure until I put them on. If you look really closely, you can see slight gaps at the sides of the ones I have on now so maybe they'll be okay, they'll just rest snugly against the cuticles.

This is the fourth day I've had on the magenta glitter and I'm curious to see how long they'll hold up so I may not change them today. When I get the other set tomorrow, I'll decide. The only thing I might not like about the set I'm getting tomorrow is that their sheer, so the designs may not show up as well and look as pretty as a picture. The others look better in person. I've got a slight peel-back on the tips of my right hand but otherwise, they're still holding up great! This is an awesome alternative to nail polish! Way better than fake nails. I used to hate how my hair would snag in the edges of those.

I slept shitty because I woke up a lot, worried I would sleep too late. My Monday appointment is fine, but I don't want to sleep too late for my dental appointment next month. So I was really dragging and ended up taking a 90-minute nap. It refreshed me a little but I'm still tired.

Dixie sent an email saying she was watering yesterday evening and invited me down to chat, but I was unwinding by then. I let her know I should be able to come down at the end of next week.

To help with the boredom I sometimes experience, Tom downloaded this really cool racecar game called SuperTuxRacer and hooked up his joystick for me. I love all the different tracks and speeds you can go. There are tracks in different climates and terrain. In the rain, in the snow, in the desert, in the tropics, on dirt roads... I have to earn the scores in order to unlock other tracks.

7/18/2020 Saturday 8:10 a.m.

Day 5 of the nail stickers and they're still looking great. However, I got an email saying that the designs I was expecting today are undeliverable because they encountered a problem along the way. So I picked out another set, and we'll order it later along with Tom’s new joystick since I stole his for the car racing game.

Been having fun gaming on and off and trying to reach new levels and downloading new racetracks for variety. I wish I could really get into gaming. If I could get to be a really good gamer, maybe I could play for money. It's just that you have to be really REALLY good at it. Not sure I could be that good at the usual games in which they play for money. For now, racing is not only fun at any time but it's a good game to unwind with. Drank a little wine while I played yesterday evening before bed. Yes, I sometimes do drink and drive, LOL.

Slept better and feel more rested today. I'll enjoy it while it lasts, of course, because I can't even seem to go a week without ending up exhausted. So much so that as much as I don't want to, I really should say no to future pets. I'm definitely done with rodents since guinea pigs are too much work and rats demand a lot of attention. I thought it would be cool to have a small dog that would be fun to take out for walks and not have any cages to clean, but I don't know. I just don't have enough energy enough days. I know Tom has more energy and would be willing to walk it on days that I couldn’t, but I still don't know. Got a long time before we get to where we’re in a position to make that decision, though, so we'll just see. Speaking of demanding, I'm being paged by Rockefeller right now for a veggie refill, so back in a sec.

Okay, last topic for the day. Kayla called from my doctor's office yesterday wanting to convert my appointment to Zoom and as I told her, what would be the point of that when I'm supposed to be seen for my lymph nodes? Even the doctor said she wanted me to come into the clinic. So they double-checked with her and yes, I'll be going into the office. I'm glad this was simple to clarify, but come on. You’re a doctor's office for fuck’s sake. Shouldn't you be more organized as far as who's doing what? Seriously, it may be a minor misunderstanding, but it just seems that medical offices of any kind should be a little more up-to-date, informed and organized.

7/19/2020 Sunday 8:18 a.m.

Decided to give Centrum Silver for women over 50 a chance and see if it helps with the fatigue I’ve been having. Sometimes even when I sleep well and start my day off with enough energy, I still get hit with random bouts of fatigue. It's also supposed to help with brain function. The PQQ Tom takes helps with his short-term memory and forgetfulness and gives him more energy, so now it's just a matter of finding what works for me. I definitely seem more tired without some kind of multivitamin.

I wasn't going to get any more mopping pads since the robot mops for us but I find that they do a great job cleaning kitchen counters and sinks as opposed to the small Clorox wet wipes, so I think I'll get another box of those as well.

I went to apply a set of gradient nail stickers yesterday but found this particular brand to be too big and too thick. Maybe I can just cut them down instead of filing the ends off the next time. I do cut my nails when they get annoyingly long so while I’ll still have to trim them so they're narrower in order to fit my tiny nails, instead of trying to file them and getting rough edges, I can just cut them off.

Although we're not sure why, our medical group sent us a check for $150. We used some of it to get him a new joystick and me a couple of other sets of nail stickers. One has rainbows, one has an underwater ocean scene, and the other is a mix of solids and designs. This way I'm learning which brands are best. I definitely like the first set of nail stickers better than the second. They may not be as colorful and shiny but they're thinner and smaller.

Could my New Yorker be Andy? This possibility hit me when I thought of the picture of wherever he moved to a few years back. It definitely didn't look like Florida. So maybe he met someone or something that led him to New York for some reason even though I can't imagine that being the case and he's the one that's been silently looking in on me. But why would he be so quiet if it was him? And would he really go so far as to join the site to read me? Although their silence is a bit strange, I'm still guessing it's probably someone I've never met that simply has no desire to comment. I don't think it's just me they're reading either and I can't imagine Andy being interested in random journals. The few times I've had other accounts, they would check those out as well. So it isn’t just me they’re reading.

7/20/2020 Monday 10:33 a.m.

Killing time with Lifetime movies until it's time to go to my doctor. I totally get how Aly pointed out that too many of them have these perfect happy endings. More variety would be nice…sad endings, cliffhangers... You also won't find a Lifetime movie without someone drinking alcohol, and they all live in big beautiful houses even when they have minimum-wage jobs, LOL.

A masked nurse came out to get something from the trunk of a silver car in front of next door yesterday when I went down to check the mail. She looked and sounded like Doc A. I told her to tell Bob and Virginia that Jodi says hi.

The more we think about it, the more we think the oxygen was for Virginia and not Bob. A brain tumor shouldn't restrict his breathing, yet she was complaining of breathing issues and she does have heart problems which would cause that.

Tom is soaking his feet now in Epsom salt because his feet have been swelling up again. We have one of those foot thingies you fill with water that gets warm and vibrates.

They're prepping to bring in the new house now and hopefully, that won't be too annoying. I hope even more that they don't wake me up as I start sleeping in. The house is far enough away and on the other side of our place that they probably won't wake me up working on it, but too many large vehicles going by the bedroom could.

Didn’t sleep so well yesterday so I’m having another tired day. Starting my vitamins today.

The rainbow nails came yesterday, and they look gorgeous. They fit perfectly and were very easy to apply.

7/21/2020 Tuesday 1:41 p.m.

Yesterday afternoon we crept along behind California's typical slow drivers over to Roseville to see Dr. A. Because my appointment was late in the afternoon, she was behind schedule.

When she finally came in, she felt around my neck but didn't find any lumps which was good. She doesn't think an ultrasound is necessary at this time. What surprised me was that she thinks it may be arthritis.

Arthritis causing a bulge to be noticeable in my neck? And what about that scratchy feeling I occasionally get when I swallow? I do trust her not to have found any lumps, but I never would have guessed arthritis. I guess it’s possible when you think about the fact that arthritis is inflammation and that swells up, which would account for feeling a little bulge in that area. But even when it's the least noticeable, it's still noticeable, so yeah, a surprising diagnosis. At least my gut feeling was right on again in that it wasn't anything serious.

She felt compelled to do a breast exam since I told her I had a sore spot at the side of one boob that I thought was a swollen lymph node, and damn was that uncomfortable! She didn't feel anything questionable, but I would think that this late in life I wouldn't be so damn sensitive when they're pressed on like that. I could cup them with my hands and press on them and it doesn't hurt at all. It's only if they're pressed in concentrated little spots.

A couple of nights ago I had a quick spike in HR for the first time in a while. I started to get that weird feeling come over me that’s kind of hard to describe and then my heart pounded for a couple of minutes. By the time I checked my blood pressure my HR was down to 95. It started to get a little scary but not as scary as it used to be when I wasn't sure what it was and before I had EMDR.

It's amazing I didn't get sick yesterday when I decided to go on a binge. I hadn't eaten much all day because I didn't want my weight to be up at the doctor's office. It was actually down. So I made up for lost time with four slices of pizza, a candy bar, and some Fritos. I wouldn't even dare touch any of the wine I got at Rite Aid on the way home from the doctor because I knew I would be needing Tums if I did.

Another surprise was that I woke up with my weight down a little more. I was famished by the time I binged yesterday after having just a piece of fruit and a small pork chop all day. I've been binging once or twice a week for centuries now and it hasn't killed me yet. I just don't think I could stick to low carbs indefinitely because I would miss having more variety and I don't want to overdo the cholesterol. I'm having way too much of that as it is. But if I go keto or Atkins, I could really be putting my heart at risk and it's not worth it. I know it would help my blood pressure even more and put me at less risk of new diseases if I lost just a teeny bit of weight but even if I did that, that weight loss would still have to be maintained through almost equally as hard work and I just can't see myself slaving for what may not amount to much in the end, if anything at all.

They're starting to prep for the new house and for the most part they've been surprisingly quiet about it. They're quieter today than they were yesterday. Yesterday there was some jackhammering because they had to remove the cement retaining wall. The dimensions of the new house aren't going to fit the old dimensions exactly, so they're digging in the crawl space and busting out cement. They left the loud vehicles there overnight, so they didn't go roaring by the bedroom this morning before I got up. But between the loud traffic yesterday and their work, it almost sounded like old times around here.

With over 15 million coronavirus cases worldwide and the fact that the summer hasn't slowed it down goes to show it's not the flu. However, Tom said he read that there are a few very promising vaccines and that the UK could be fully vaccinated by the end of the year. I just hope this shit doesn't interfere with moving!

I did have an encouraging dream where I was out walking and as I was coming back to the house, I was delighted to find a for-sale sign at our place as it was sooner than expected.

I mentioned my fatigue to Doc A, and she said there are multiple things that can cause fatigue but that trying the Centrum Silver can't hurt. Then we'll see what my numbers say in October. I'm a bit worried about that. I just really hope I'm not calmer these days because my thyroid has died off some more. And of course there are the glucose and cholesterol numbers and God knows what else to worry about as well.

I'm frustrated that the stamps haven't arrived yet and that they have to come all the way from Kansas when there are post offices everywhere, but then I realized it may be because of the design I chose… Year of the Rat.

Kim is getting to both Aly and me with her regular June obsession. Aly is at her wit's end with her and almost ready to dump her because she's tired of the long, rambling and repetitive messages about her, and her behavior denial. Kim told us both that her sister feels she’s harassing June and put a tracker on her phone so she can see who she texts and how often. She's been ordered to text June only once a month. June complained to Carol about the excessive snail mail and digital messages.

Aly and I don't doubt for an instant that Kim’s getting carried away with stalking and harassing June. I know from first-hand experience that Kim is notorious for harassing, stalking and getting overly fixated on whoever, just as Molly has. I just don't get how she can be so stupid and blind to her ways. How can she not see how she is?

She's at risk of losing her phone which Aly and I hope she does so we can get a break from her for a while not that it would teach her anything. She's as unteachable as unteachable gets. Hell, a fucking dog is smarter than she is! But doesn't she still have a Kindle hidden away in her closet somewhere?

So I joked, although seriously, with Aly about ghosting her together for a week and then contacting her asking why we haven't heard from her, LOL.

Just got another message from her. I told her, “Come on, you and I have both been known to harass others online in the past,” and I totally admit I'm guilty of that. So she replies with, “haha, I remember the drama with Molly and Kathy. We were just having fun. No harm was done.”

But she doesn't remember stalking and harassing me for years, right? Hey, why should she when she just asked me how my chocolate coffee was right fucking after I told her I didn't care for it? Fucking dumbass idiot!

I'm torn between ghosting her for good and not. A part of me would feel guilty even though I shouldn’t since she’s a habitual liar, and I know karma would get me for it. Every time I dump someone, something bad happens to me.

But I'm sick of the same old shit! I think taking a break for a week with Aly would be a good thing for now.

It just pisses the fuck out of Aly and me to see her have this great life and to basically be pampered with everything handed to her for nothing, while Aly and I have suffered from all kinds of shit. And oh, the constant agreeing! It’s annoying as fuck. As annoying as those who always happen to agree.

7/22/2020 Wednesday 7:20 p.m.

Thanks, God, for cursing me with a sleep disorder and adding insult to injury by making me the lightest sleeper on earth too. Thank you for allowing insanely loud service trucks to disrupt an already disrupted sleep. I needed that. Be sure to keep the chronic insomnia going! After all, I’m such a horrible, horrible person that I must deserve to spend half my life or more exhausted, right? Right? So keep it up.

Meanwhile, don’t you dare mess with the sleep of those whose worst problem in life is being reeled in by the leash for obsessively sending a million postal and digital messages. After all, nothing is ever Kim’s fault and she should have the right to harass poor old ladies whenever the hell she wants. Shame on you for letting her sister make her do chores! And damn you to hell for forcing her to go on walks too. She doesn’t need that drama in her life. What the hell were you thinking, “God?”

In the meantime, please continue to show your love and support by allowing my sleep to be disrupted regularly, if not by traffic then just for shits and giggles. Bless me with motorcycles and a variety of loud projects when we get to the tester house in Florida so it's hard for me to test just how often the thunderstorms wake me up when I'm already being woken up plenty enough as it is. Oh, and don't forget the health issues! Lavish me with plenty of those too. I want ‘em all. New ones, repeats of old ones; just gimme a damn good variety. Pain, discomfort, exhaustion... Be generous because come on, we both know I deserve those things, don't we? Why don't you also bring back the anxiety while you're at it? It’s perfect for a worthless piece of shit like me.

*sighs with frustration* There are three kinds of insomnia from what I read. Excitement insomnia, grief insomnia, and chronic insomnia. Unfortunately, I have the last one where I have a mix of trouble falling asleep, trouble staying asleep, waking up too soon, and not waking up refreshed. I don't know that this shit will ever go away. It did say that we sleep less restfully as we age, as I've always heard, and are more likely to wake up from noise. Well, I know the days of me sleeping soundly without waking up even for a second are long gone. Haven't done that since somewhere in my late twenties or early thirties. I'm amazed that Tom still sleeps well, though he does wake up for a few seconds here and there at times.

I've been alternating between sleeping shitty and being tired the next day, and then sleeping better, having more energy the next day, but then being up 18-20 hours. I was up for 20 hours last night and got up after 6 hours of shitty sleep.

My new multivitamin made me nauseous yesterday, so I took today’s with a full meal and had no problem.

I appreciate Aly thanking me for my friendship. Her nail strips will finally be going out tomorrow. But poor Dixie. I'm so exhausted that I don't know when I'm going to be able to get down to visit with her. I called about this evening since all I’d do is just sit there and chat, but she’s got company. So we’re on for tomorrow, I guess.

Aly and I agreed to ghost Kim until she's tucked in bed for a perfect night’s sleep on Thursday. Instead of swapping the same old shit with her on a daily basis, I may only check in every 2-3 days. I asked Tom if he would ghost someone who was annoyingly repetitious with long, repetitive and rambling messages and if he didn't like the mentally ill and he said he wouldn't. So I decided I’ll do intermittent ghosting with Kim and never say a word about June or in response to June, not that it would register with the dumb shit as to why. I got two more rambling messages waiting for me when I got up with the same shit she's been saying... it's all everyone else's fault but hers, she's innocent of what she's accused of, and yes, she thinks it's time to forget June. *eye roll*

Too tired to write everything I wanted to write about tonight, so I'll leave it at this. Like most projects around here, I'm sure this shit will go on for weeks and that they’ll wake me up tomorrow too. So fucking sick of being woken up every time someone does a project around here!!! Next year can't come fast enough. As long as we don't end up next to anyone with a motorcycle or a circular saw, it should be an improvement. Or a regular visitor on a motorcycle. Otherwise, we could go from bad to worse. At least we won't be in a park for long. Then it just comes down to how that climate affects my asthma and my sleep with all the thunderstorms.


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