"Smoke Like Ribbons" by Ugly Casanova [singing saw singing saw singing saw]
August 7, 2020 Friday 6:09 PM
Feels like the end of the world is coming, but I know I probably shouldn't trust my heart, because it is generally faulty and the other day I thought I was dying/or I wanted to die/or I wanted to run away, but by the time I woke up the next day I had stopped crying and I felt rejuvenated. Point is, all that can be trusted is... I don't know. Other things. Things that are not my brain's long held and insistent beliefs; the very same ones that held me horizontal for about a day while I intermittently stared off in the distance and convulsed emotionally. In this case, I am not being dramatic. In these states, it is impossible to do anything other than lie down and stare into space, because your brain is on a trip and you have to let yourself get hurt. And keep getting hurt. In the same endless loop of repeated images/thoughts/feelings. They subside for some time so you can watch videos and feel generally sluggish/bad and then they burst out again and you're crying and just sort of sitting there trying to wait out the agony. Like a burn or a bruise. It just keeps hurting and hurting and hurting until the peaks stop hitting quite as high and eventually the pain is a small twinge in the back of your head and then it's years down the line and it doesn't hurt anymore. But that takes a very, very long time, and by then you have accumulated new agonies.
I am not perfect. I forget how quickly it passes, so I start making plans. Basically, I start off with the easy thing, which is, "damn, I should kill myself," but it is not so tempting because I have the means. If that makes sense. I have a 90-day supply of an anticonvulsant (lamotrigine) that I could swallow one after another; the last perceived on the tongue, a chalky armpit ass of a flavor, and then I don't know if I'd taste my vomit but it would probably be of a very similar taste. Anyway, I am properly scared away from that, partly by the lone memory of me passing out after drinking charcoal, then waking up for a few seconds and sitting up like a thing possessed to retch in my lap; doctors around me, parents (or parent?) at the end of the bed in the emergency room, and then I don't remember anything for two days. And that terrifies me. I don't remember anything. It gives me a more vivid idea of death and dying, and the lack of dignity that comes from slumping unconscious for the final time in a pool of your own puke while your mom cries, who has now been permanently broken by this experience.
In a state of desperation, I don't have the faculties to visualize all of this; even if I tried, the reality of it would escape me, or maybe I would be resisting it, but either way; I am whittled down and do not have the mental fortitude to analyze with much elegance whether I am "resisting" the vivid idea of real death or if I am simply incapable, by the rules of intensely concentrated anxiety/depression, of that perception. It is not of much importance; it's really only a distinction so that I can determine whether or not it is "my fault" that I do not perceive death as being painful to the people around me. My deepest thought about it is that I believe the people around me would be sad but that they would have to understand. Which, to me right now, who is anxious but perfectly present, doesn't make sense—my mom would *never* understand. I don't think anyone would, except someone else who wanted to die.
Anyway, I eventually abandon this line of thought, not because I have the forethought to consider others' feelings, but because I have a gut instinct that it is the right answer to the wrong problem, or the wrong answer to the right problem, or I don't fucking know. I hold on to the vague knowledge that I don't *really* want to die, I want to stop feeling the pain I am feeling. It is just that death is one of those solutions. However, it has a lot of cons. Again, these are not my thoughts—my thoughts are not so clear. I hop around from one urge to the other, all the while lying on my back, twitching and crying and nauseated, my eyes almost cross-eyed if anything not quite seeing but not-not seeing. Ironically, while I lack whatever executive functioning allows for planning and inhibition control and stuff, I do retain a sense of meta-ness, and so I meticulously document my symptoms. I see through my eyes but rather than really perceiving what is there I am seeing the lack of perception, if that makes sense. That's why I am able to talk about it now in such detail. Because while I was there, in that moment, making inelegant plans while stuck in the throes of some painful wave for about 10-15 minutes (intermittently throughout the day), I pressed "record" somewhere in my memory and started noting the convulsion of my legs, the quality of my vision, every sensation and also the detail or lack thereof of my thoughts. I had no thoughts about any of these things, I was just noticing them.
Because all of my actual thoughts were occupied tumbling over each other in what felt like a rush of immaterial noise, hurrying and frantic. I thought about running away to the Pacific Northwest. Going to a small town and learning carpentry or plumbing or something. I was stuck in a loop in which I was absolutely convinced of my ineptitude in my job and in my social skills in general; I hated myself for being lazy and inert and unsociable. And later I looked up the whole running away thing, but I realized it took a lot of planning; and it didn't eliminate the problem of my mom and sister, who would miss me a lot.
Anyway I just cried a bunch. It was a long, long, long day.
But I woke up the next day and everything had evaporated. I was okay. I hadn't even had any nightmares. It was very disturbing. I am very disturbed. But this has happened a million times, maybe. It still makes me want to vomit thinking about it. Vomit and cry. Something about it makes me scared or sad in a way I don't really want to examine right now. I'm sure I've talked it to death before, and now when I need the result of my musings I've spontaneously forgotten. I probably came to the conclusion that I was scared this would ruin opportunities/relationships for me, but that I'd have to wait it out, idk idk idk. I can't even imagine. I can't.
Things have been okay. A consistent mediocre. Bad to normal more often than good. But pretty mild bad, except for the outliers like Monday when I, like, lost the will to do things because it felt like I being repeatedly stabbed in the brain, breast, and stomach. Only emotionally. But I assure you, it felt very physical. I can feel the phantom ache in my heart just thinking about it, like the muscles twined around a rib have contracted and don't understand how to relax. Oh, it's gone. Good.
It's spider season. Spiders everywhere. We went to a restaurant the other day and we were sitting outdoors under a tent. A big spider kept dropping down about a foot above our table before swinging and sewing back up to her perch. She was constructing a massive web, it seemed like. I watched her in suppressed terror for maybe 30-60 minutes while standing back from the table and sipping my cocktail; giggling embarrassingly and saying "Nope! Noooo," every time the spider moved suddenly. My dad was annoyed that I was so alarmed. I've always been very afraid of spiders. Mostly when they move.
That being said, I am currently co-habitating with a spider in my window next to my window fan. I didn't mind this too much because she doesn't move very often—she just comes out to sit on what I imagined was her porch in the evenings. But today I noticed the web was bigger than I thought and was beginning to breach my territory (i.e. the space above the outlet). I'm not even sure she's getting anything good to eat in there. Other spiders include the spider on the bathroom ceiling, the small spider that crawled on my hand the other day, the spider on our porch, and a video I saw of a guy opening a spider sac and a bunch of babies spilled out over his hands like running water; it was terrifying. It's been particularly rainy and a bit chilly so I wonder if the spiders are drawn inside by that. I dunno. Makes ya think.
My relationships with friends are okay. I saw Liv a couple weeks ago, which was lovely (we went on a walk)! It always makes me happy, how easy she is to talk to. I wanted to hug her but, ya know. Covid. SHE'S SO SMART. I don't know. I just love her. I also love Marie a lot. She's like my favorite person. We started a new anime together. I keep accidentally saying it's about tennis but it's about volleyball lol. I took a walk with Isaac in the cemetery. He annoys me sometimes. For the same reasons as he always has, haha. The way he looks at me (or maybe people in general—I don't have the context to know); and also a really small thing, is I get irritated with his selfies, because they're always attractive. I know how that sounds, but it feels to me like he's trying to look attractive. Not necessarily for me but because he's feeling himself. Attractive people always be taking photos of themselves looking attractive, which is fine, but don't send me that as a snapchat, lol. It's a very niche and stupid annoyance. I also get annoyed with his conversation sometimes, because he will ask these things out of nowhere that I don't feel like talking about. Like I think for awhile he was asking me to tell him a weird short story, and after once or twice I was like, "I don't have any stories" lol. Because I didn't feel like making one up.
I wish I was more energetic and excited to do all of those things, telling random stories, etc. But idk, it's just not really how I am. I am not even sure what I text people about. Marie and I usually text each other dumb stuff; she'll tell me random stuff about her day and vice versa; I'll tell her when I'm pooping; we'll play a game together; we'll send some videos back and forth; just a bunch of nothing. Same with Matt and Nadiya, although I don't speak to them as much. Isaac wants to Skype one of these days, which is nice. I wish we could do stuff other than sit and talk; I think that's one of my irritations, which doesn't have to do with him; but part of what makes me comfortable w/ people (and this is probably generally true) is being able to participate in an activity together, like watching a movie or smthn lol. But w/ COVID, it's hard, obviously. I'm not good at navigating this social environment. I don't, however, feel our friendship is at risk, which is nice. I mean, I've known Isaac for years now. Even if we grow apart, we'll talk again some day, and we'll both be even coooooler than we are now, lol. It doesn't worry me.
I have been keeping in touch with Diego too, he's started a job as a first grade teacher, which is craaazy to me. He's so old! It's very cool though. Mostly we just send snapchats back and forth. We haven't Zoomed or Facetimed in months. I haven't thought much about our friendship and whether it will continue, but I think it still has some life left in it. These things usually last at least a year out. He's still stupid as always, lmao. He asked me how much he should spend on a chair, and I said I wasn't an expert on that sort of thing. He said, "I bought one for 600" and I answered with "WHAT??!!!?" and he didn't answer again for like 12 hours and then said, "It's comfy" and so I said, "Send me a pic please say you're joking' and he said, "I was joking I just wanted ur attention." THE EXACT stupid shit he has always done. Childish but charming. It made me smile :D
Not much else going on. I have a waiting message from Kyle, which I should answer soon. I'm generally behind on my social duties. I feel empty and untethered this week. I wish, I wish, I wish. I wish I felt like. I wish I felt like doing something. Anything, lol.
Oh. Bright side! I've been practicing piano a lot. It's been fun. I'm now almost caught up to where I was in the C-minor Nocturne (Chopin) as I was, uh..... 3 years ago, lol. Actually, I probably am caught up, but not quite as polished. I was recital-ready 3 years ago (for the first two sections, not the last one), but I'm not right now. I am also caught up to where I was for the Nocturne in E-minor. And I started re-learning two of the preludes I learned way back then. Now all that's left is I have to see if I can remember Moonlight Sonata, lmao. I kind of hate that song now, so it's not much fun for me to play. I might try and learn Claire de Lune. I wanted to learn that before Grandma died, because it was her favorite, but I never did. Which is very on-brand for me. Maybe I can learn it in her honor. Or not. Either way will be exactly as is characteristic for me.