marielmia

Mariel is MIA
2020-08-07 08:32:32 (UTC)

What if i really am unsure?

When i write about insecurity, the subject is gonna be me. Except this time, it isn't about me at all. It's M. I sense that this pandemic has dented his persona, that feeling of invincibility and that sense of command he has possessed since his army days and probs long before that. Does it affect me or our relationship? I'm thinking it does, in ways i had not considered before today. Light days at work tend to send me on reflection binges!


We've always had a physically challenging (for me) relationship. But of late, he has taken more liberty with me and pushed me hard. NO, he hasn't violated trust. The Wild Boar Affair was enough and he did learn a valuable lesson that i am his, only on my acceptance. That acceptance is the everything. We are nothing without that. So while he hasn't violated any consents, i do see the trend. i have been exhausted at the end of each weekend. We don't play during the week with the same intensity as he respects i have my work. And many of the things he wants tend to fetishism. Am i comfortable with this direction? i suppose it depends on the demands. i was a bit surprised i accepted going "primitive" last weekend, going without modern feminine products and behaving in certain caveman/woman ways. But other things, i confess, i am not so sure. Just know, i have said no and he has accepted, though still pines. He knows certain details of my life. I fear he is jealous of the things i have done with others, not thinking of what those things might bring on in the current me.
The saving grace is that we do talk. He does listen, despite his persistent requests for me to describe those past goings. Can't we leave the past in the past?


I know he will not force these issues. But they are wearing. Because at the time, i wanted things. i participated in things and ultimately, things i saw became things i have done. These things are part of me, but is it wrong to keep them as relics? Will my recall of events trigger a PTSD type response in me? Not sure. PTSD is STRESS. Bad. But what if, when brought to the surface, i still want these things, deep down somewhere. Should i try to find out?

What if i am unsure?

What if i really am unsure?




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