Honeybee

Metamorphosis
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2020-08-07 13:21:09 (UTC)

Good morning, August

Back in 2009, on a creative writing program in Iowa, I met a guy from Lebanon. It's quite the coincidence to write that considering what's going on in Beirut at the moment, but the memory and the incident aren't related. The most fascinating thing about this guy was that he had this bizarre party trick where he looks at you and tells you at what age and how you're going to die.

He wasn't a spiritual person in the slightest, so he couldn't rely on "speaking to God" or the spirits as a reliable source, even though nothing about someone telling your future is reliable, so one can easily call BS on that one. And yet, there is something alluring about these so called prophecies. To "know" what may happen is to already envision it in the mind; that path has already been laid out by the imagination and so, inside your own head, it's become real. Once a path exists, there is always the temptation to follow it. Therefore, when he looked me in the eye, seemed to think, and told me that I was going to commit suicide at 31 it wasn't prophesizing, it was inception.

I have never contemplated suicide. I've thought of death and went through a time period of dealing with mild self-harm but I never felt the need to take my own life. Everything I have done, both positive and negative, still attests to the primal need to survive and live. Now, I come to a crossroads, though. When one begins to wonder if all of what they are has brought them to a dead end, then a new beginning, a complete change, is the logical next step. Does that count as a metaphorical suicide? Is this how I'm supposed to die, maybe, by changing myself completely? That would certainly be one interpretation.

Rather than focus on a gradual change, I started doing what I do best; making up a list. If I use the time I have left to sift through what I want to change and keep, work on the new version of myself and becoming her, then I might as well be a different person by that year. In a way there's so much freedom in a new beginning and yes, I may be reacting out of a place of emotional pain but if the flesh rearranges itself to heal a wound them there's nothing wrong with rearranging my soul to heal just as efficiently. There are things I need to change, others I need to accept, and others more I need to develop or get rid of entirely.

That settles it, then. I'm going to commit suicide at 31.

Fuck hitting the wall.


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