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2020-08-06 15:41:23 (UTC)

I'm tired and he's just not that into me

He’s just not that into you. Before it was a well not exactly great movie, it was a book craze. I was curious so I read some of it. One of the things I took away from it was something called the 30-day Detox. Yes, you can need to detox from certain people. I know I’ve done it a few times. In this case though it took me a bit to get here. Let me start with, I’m tired. I’ve had a few days to think some things through with the kitten being snipped Monday and caring for him. The worry led to other aspects of my life that needed some tinkering and so here goes. What exactly am I tired of?

I’m tired of feeling dazed and confused. Still with the mixed signals. We share a bed and act like it’s a relationship but outside of the generalized things, everything else is DOA. I feel like you appreciate the things I do for you, that I see as something that one does for their significant other. You just don’t appreciate me. The person that does those things. Like buying you groceries, covering your bills when you need it, cooking for you, rubbing your back when you’re sore. Yet you don’t really do anything for me. I can’t imagine the last time you did something for me. That you thought of me even though I think of you often. I’m not obligated to do these things but, in a relationship, this is a given. It’s not always rainbows and glitter. Sometimes you have to help your partner out. Not once though you have offered to do the same in return. You get ancy if someone has interest in me like a jealous boyfriend. Do you honestly believe that I’m going to stay spinning my wheels for a one-sided relationship? I could answer that, but your communication is nonexistent. You want an adult, mature relationship but you can’t offer one to get one. It seems you want a project. Someone that needs to be saved which I’ve said, you can’t save them all. I tried once and I got hurt a lot for my troubles. The one that needs saving is me. I help when I can when it comes to my friends, but it’s not always expected. You seem to expect it though. Another one of those things that you can’t seem to do for me.

I’m tired. I’m tired of when I have news the person that I should be telling, I don’t. I don’t feel like I should or even could. Flag on the play. I should be able to come to you when I have good and bad. I should be able to feel like I can tell you anything. Sometimes though it just seems like you’ll judge it no matter what. That should be a given with friends, and I have that with other friends, but you it just isn’t there. It’s like you will judge anything that doesn’t go along with your way of thinking. When I’m with you, I want to do better. Be better. Once more though it doesn’t seem to go both ways. You stagnate instead of finding solutions. That is if the solution doesn’t involve me. I swerve guys this last almost year because I thought there was something there. There’s no affection. There’s no physical at all. Yet we will still sleep in the same bed. A friend said to me “if a guy sleeps next to a half-naked woman and doesn’t touch her, he’s either gay or he’s getting it somewhere regularly. You’re single chick.” That’s been ringing through my head, because you see I did date a gay guy. I was the token I’m-not-gay-girlfriend for a while. This isn’t exactly the same. So, if it isn’t one, it must be the other. Not to mention that my gut already tells me the same thing. Circling back to no communication, I’m always left confused at to what in the name of all things holy am I? You’ll act jealous, at the same time nothing has been said. Not relationship, not exclusive, and certainly nothing has been discussed out of the times I bring it up.

I’m tired. I’m tired of wasting my time, heart, and money on something that isn’t going to be. One moment when I say that I plan to have oral surgery in March you say that I would stay with you for a week. The next time it comes up, you have done a 180. No rhyme or reason to it. I’ve tossed out things about a possible future with all of that having a 180 as well. Yet if it involves you and money, you’re all about that. I’m not asking for marriage or anything more than to simply know where I stand. Something written in stone. Something that I fear I will never have. I know how I feel and how I think. I know what I want and that’s why this Detox is needed. If after 30 days we revisit things, great. I’m also not sitting on my hands either. I’ve actively started looking to date once more. Granted I don’t have a lot of time for it and I loathe online dating for what it is. I don’t go anyplace really where I can meet someone so it’s really all I have at the moment.

I’m tired. I’m tired of you wanting me to be part of your hobby but not willing to help with it. You don’t want to hear how I feel about it really. So, I say nothing. Here’s the thing. You don’t seem to want me to meet your friends, especially those involved. So, to me it feels like you want me to do this and then pretend that I don’t know you. So basically, I would be going into a large group that I know not a single soul at with social anxiety and not have a melt down because the one person I do know there I’m not supposed to know. I’ve told you this wouldn’t end well for me. Not like that. Just because someone you know that claims to have social anxiety is “hard to get out but fine when they get there” it’s not what social anxiety fully is. Just because you’ve seen one doesn’t mean that’s how it works for everyone. Yes, I’ve been working on my own personal hell with it. I still have trouble with big gatherings when I don’t know someone there. A lifeline if you will. My anxiety, while I know it’s lying to me, will screw me up and cause a meltdown. If it doesn’t have me in flight mode. I would tell you all this if I thought for one minute you would listen. I don’t think you would though because it seems like you have your mind made up of how it’s supposed to be. If that’s how this really is, then perhaps it would be for the best if I bowed out now. Hell, it’s already screwed with me to not say anything in the group because I don’t want to look like a jackass and have everyone laughing at me because I said something stupid. You haven’t noticed but there it is. If you asked, I would tell you. Yes, I am aware my anxiety is lying to me, but it’s not like a switch that goes on and off when I want it to. I would love it, but while it’s something I am working on about me, it’s no where near being able to handle things alone. That would be something that would be hard for even me to handle. So, if that’s how it is, I’d best step away now before I spend money on it.

I’m tired. Next month will be four years single (Psycho and Princess don’t even count) and if this isn’t a thing, I want to finally get out there. It’s not going to be easy in this day and age. I made a promise to myself about no sex until I’m in a relationship. That just eliminated me from 90% of the dating pool as far as guys are concerned. Unless they’re getting their dick wet, it’s not a thing to them. It will either work or it won’t. Right now, I need 30 days. How would I explain to a potential date that I go to Tampa to hang out and sleep with a guy 2 nights a week (and my only days off IF I get those)? I’m not thinking that if they got passed the no sex thing, that would go over well. You seem to have trouble putting yourself in other places. The more I think on it, the more toxic things are becoming. No texts. No phone calls. No visits. Nothing. Complete detox and go from there. While it’s great that you have some of things that I’m looking for, if I was honest I had it up once… the things you ignore in the beginning are the things you resent at the end. I’ve been victim of that more than once. This time I know it and I’m doing something about it. I do love you, but it’s time.

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