Nøkk

Just so something of me is left, if something happens
2020-08-03 13:56:43 (UTC)

again

I honestly can't really put into words how much I hate this pandemic.

I'm too selfish for it to be because it's making people suffer. No, I'm afraid it's because it means I have no choice but to be close to my parents.

It reminds me that I'm useless. That all I am is a disappointment. That I'm just a burden that costs them money that doesn't even like what they tell him they want him to do.

I hate them. It's not something I say lightly - I genuinely do. I hate that I have to depend on them, and I hate that I have to live with them. Hearing their voices makes me want to go deaf. Knowing they're nearby makes me want to die.

But I guess that's because they also remind me about how right they are, anyways. It's not like they're saying anything that isn't true. I am useless, and I am just a burden. It would probably be better if I just died, and honestly, the only reason I haven't already killed myself is because I'm too scared to try. Too painful, too scary, too messy.

So I can't even do that right. I'd consider purposefully getting infected with covid but it would drag a bunch of other people into it, and I'm not that cruel.

So I don't know. I don't know. Maybe they'll get fed up with me and kick me out, leave me to die. It would make sense. It's not like I'm worth anything to them or anyone else.

My friends would be fine. I hate my family, so I don't care. And no one else would have any reason to care.

If I could just do it, it would save everyone else the trouble of dealing with me.

But I'm too selfish because I don't want it to be painful.

Why can't I just die in my sleep? Why can't I just fall over and die?

Why can't I get over myself and just do it already? It's not like it matters. It's not like I have anything that needs to be dealt with. I'm the only thing that needs to be removed. It's selfish, but what does it matter? I'm a disappointment to everything anyways. I may as well be a selfish disappointment, since I have so little to lose.