Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2020-08-03 04:56:04 (UTC)

last night was date 3 with the ..

last night was date 3 with the new boy. My mind is losing it's grip on my own needs tonight.
And last night.

I'm slipping into the idea of us, and putting that over the truth that I still don't like [my] life.

I guess I don't like living. I just. I wish I did. I'm reaching this point of realizing just how little of my mind is in my control.

I'm not an adult like I mean to be, and I
I have been ashamed of that over and over. and I'm not sure how this is going to play out with him seeing more of me.
I guess I was waiting for something like this to pull me along, give me reason to put forth my best effort at living.

I guess I have to choose to put this resentment aside and keep enjoying living with him. (the resentment for life had nothing to do with him anyway)
I
know this is the point where my mind starts doing funny brain tricks, like telling him he's 'great' but really meaning he is a better person than I could ever be. He is great, though. I don't mean to put layers between him and me, I just want to acknowledge that the place I'm at in the world looks a lot different, that I really appreciate who he is.
I think.
I also am starting to move too fast for myself.

I guess I need some space again but really, I don't want the space. I want to be with him.
and that's no bueno.




Ad: