Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2020-07-27 00:01:00 (UTC)

oy. another day in ..

oy.
another day in mental fucking paradise.

I realize today i really need counseling. With the setting in realization that i haven't been in really any close healthy relationships since probably before middle school, i'm feeling sick. I want to be in a relationship with this guy i went on a date with monday, but letting myself get close to him will bring out all these parts of me i've been hiding, like the fact i hate myself, and i'm ashamed of most of my experiences, and I feel worthless and like i have nothing to contribute to society.

It's all done fucked up. Truth is i never should've let myself stop counseling senior year of high school. I think i went twice and i didn't like the way my mother felt uncomfortable when i came out all red eyed so i decided i was better for her. And I just kept lying to myself, further into this hole that i can't seem to see my way out of very easily.

I know if i put myself to it i can see the light of day in about a year. It's just hard to stay clear minded in the midst of clearing up inner troubles.

I wish i didn't have so much of me to hide from people, i actually did like myself once. I still am that person on some level, and being around that guy brought it out of me. It just brought out everything else too. I can't let him deal with that if i'm not willing to.




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