La Flaca

Las Tortugas y Yo
2020-07-25 04:01:52 (UTC)

I can't judge your decision.

Yesterday was my brothers 6 year death anniversary and all day I felt sad I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, It really is very sad when a loved one slowly begans to fade, I mean I hardly never think of him or have many memories of him except for the year that he died and the last day I saw him alive at my brother Alex wedding. That time was a fun time because I had traveled to be at his wedding a day before ment to spend the weekend there and fly back home on Sunday. We talked about how he could do some research to better my health, he was in his 3er semester in med school and had a girlfriend with whom he was planning to elope together, he sounded so in love with her at the time and knew exacly what he wanted to about his life with her this was the summer of 2013. That same year in december my brothers girlfriend comited suicide without leaving a note or any signal of her depression. My brother basically went down hill from there, and my older brothers tried helping him every way possible, taking him to a psychologist, helping him get trough the whole situation as best as they knew how, I remember he called me the fallowing year arround my birthday and I had already talked to him before trying to let him know he had my full suport with his girlfriends passing. Any ways I was very surprise to recive his phone call out of the blue, he had a very specific reason as of why he was calling, he asked me if my family and I where comming that summer to my home town and I anwsered yes, he then reply are you positive? I said yes, and though it was a little odd he was asking me this, he said he realy wanted to see me and let me know what he had figured out for me on his research and I said ok will see you then love you and good by.
Few months went by and my family and I planned to go tomy home town that summer and we did, the day we arrived my older brothers had planned a gathering in our honer of visiting at the ranch that evening, the rest of my brothers where at the capital city where they lived at the time my Brother Leo included since he had gone back to school and seemed to have got his life back in order or at least he made us all think that.
I remember 3 of my dearest friends being their to visit because they heard of my homecomming with my family, I was trilled to have them there. My older brother Daniel had organized a poker night and my husband was inside with all the men who where at the table playing cards. I was outside in the patio table hanging out with my best friends and our son was at grandma's visiting his cusins.
As we where laughing out loud and remembering good old times with my girlfriends I remember glancing at my older brother Daniel who for a while already had been with his cell phone walking back and foward in the yard away from everyone, this troubled me, because he is not easily distracted from a poker tournament. This went on for a few minutes when he hung the phone up he signal me to come over, I told my friends to hang on for a moment and I went over to talk to him, he told me streight up how are you doing? immediately responded DJ what happened? he looked at me without hessitation and said "Leo hung himself" I looked puzzle since I also have a nephew named Leo. My brother right away realized this and made a confirmation, Leo our brother Leo. I then scramed no, no, no, why? what hapend and began to ball my eyes out trying to understand the situation, my brother Dj then hugged me and said you have to understand he had already been struggling with depression and we had done everything possible to help him but I guess he had already made up his mind to meet up with dad. After that I remember feeling so angry at him, and devastated. Am so glad my friends where there, I remember thinking of all the things he had said to me on the phone a few months earlier and thinking to my self you already knew what you wanted to do since then, you just wanted to make sure I was here to see you after you where gone. And felt helpless. Leo was my half brother he was my fathers son, but he was a part of our lives since he was very young or at least he was part of our lives for more than half of his short life. He didn't belive in God, called himself athiest and loved watching Dr. House. That night I remember seeing him in his coffin such a tall young man looked a little tight in that small wooden box. We where there all night and some of our closses friends that heard the news came over to give their suport, my cusins never left my sight nor my husband, always making sure I was ok and didn't break down, finaly went to bed like at 4 am only because more than one person insisted that I did. slept a couple of hrs woke up the fallowing day and went back to the funeral home. A few hours later they took him in the float to the church house where they celebrated mass and payed his last respects then the long ride to the cementary in my home town. witch is like a 20 min drive. Once we arrived my brother Max gave a small speach and up in till then I had been holding it together, but then he went under and I lost it I began crying it hit me that I will never see my little brother ever again and I left it all there all that emotion, anger, love, sadness it all went down with my tears, I let it all out and then my husband asked me to control myself that I needed to be ok for eveyone else, and I pulled myself back together cryied a little slower, quieter, and then stoped crying all at once.
A lot of my older brothers couldn't take it they never showed up, maybe they where angry, maybe they where sad, I've never asked them why they didn't go but for the ones who where there we leaned on eachother for moral suport and spend a nice evening visiting and hanging out by the fire they made outside as it is custom in the summer where am from.
And that today was 6 years ago already, all I have to say is that am glad my dad was not arround when this hapend cuz he would have been very upset about his young boy doing this. Love them and miss them both very much. May they rest in peace.