༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Off the wagon

Well, rough week.
Indio and I didn’t speak for 2 days.
I shut my phone off completely.

Never self harmed
Although
Today was a 9 outa 10 death day
I struggled
Hard

Ended up pulling out a bottle of extra dry gin
And made a few drinks

I asked limp to bring me a bottle of wine
But he brought me a stupid box of wine
Never liked that garbage
I prefer the sweet vintage wine
I bought a few bottles back in March
Of course, drank them the day I bought them

I’m on my third drink
3 months sober to hell

I thought....
Well, maybe if I drink enough I can do what my head tells me to
Yeah
I have a nice smith n Wesson knife, with a curve on the tip
Was thinking of that beautiful carved smile
Except
It would be around my throat

Do not judge me
Do not go calling or texting people I know

Can you please know
I am safe
I do know how to call if I KNOW I’m going to do that

Just cause I think it
Doesn’t mean
I’m going to

I got a message 4 days ago

“I’m saying goodbye, sorry things couldn’t be resolved better, but, I love you.....you can read about it in the obituaries “

Yeah, Dew Drop.

Of course, I checked the obituaries today, nothing.
Another tactic of his.
Just like his divorce papers....
There is nothing online listed court wise for his divorce
Was another tactic

I of course
Never messaged
Nor called

I realized today
I am too emotionally attached
I was in a good upbeat mood
But
Then
He called
Not dewdrop
Indio
And I was ok
Till I slipped up
I started crying

Suggested he not come here this weekend
So
He’s not coming

I really don’t think we are....were....on the same page

I think we are more friends with benefits
Than a couple

Anyway
Going to make another drink
And crash