All that is
i'm thinking about tby again, and i don't know why. is it cos Im feeling lonely and horny? that wasn't the case until azbke akne called earlier today with plenty of zest in his voice, enquiring as to what i was 'getting into' this evening. i replied i planned to continue working. he said 'really that's it? on a friday night?' that response irritated me a little somewhat. my response to him irritated me a bit too i gotta add. i know i held my ground and told him that friday is as good as tuesday right now. but i'm annoyed that i still bothered to explain myself to him. i should have said 'yes that's my plan tonight, why?' and left it at that. but i kept almost trying to explain like i was seeking his approval. it's something i've been working on, that boundary thing with people and even though im getting better at it, it sometimes catches me off guard and the aftermath of it, how it makes me feel is worse. now i feel somewhwat annoyed at him - like how dare he ask me what i'm doing and make me feel inadequate for not having friday night plans. even though i know that the annoyance is more toward myself than anything. the thing is, i had forgotten it was even friday and i was geared to work. then its like someone comes and reminds me and almost asks 'why aren't you doing anything fun?' see, it's that voice that's so destructive to my goals and ambitions and to my drive. like 'there's stuff happening' why aren't you doing anything? then you start asking the question of yourself. even though truthfull there's nothing goin on cos of covid. anywho. next time he calls i'm screening it. not answering. let him work his way back up. not that he's done anything wrong, but i don't want him getting too comfortable calling me and expectivng me to answer whenever. nah he aint there yet.
i've made such meaningful strides with my business and branding it, i shouldn't let this little hiccup and a bit of low mood come and derail me. but doubts creep in every so often. when doubts creep in i must remind myself to 'think big, start small, move fast'. when i remember that mantra it almost makes decision making easier for me. E.g. when deciding which jar option to go with, and looking and looking and not finding my ideal jar, rather than feeling at loss, the answer often is closer within reach. i should apply the mantra 'think big, start small, move fast'. starting small means baby steps. those baby steps give will me greater clarity. move fast means use what is available right now. you cannot stop the operation because you don't have the perfect jar or the perfect package that fits your ideal vision. action breeds greater clarity than inaction, which breeds doubt and fear. and it's true i can feel it the last few days i habvet posted it's like doubt has filled my mind all of a sudden. it's better to do something than do nothing. taking action quickly and consistently will bring you greater clarity on achieving your goals.
just do one more post a day, that's all.
tby is just cos of physicality. honestly if i got someone to itch that scratch id be fine. nmx im thinking. but i have to do my hair first, and get my cushion covers back and do it organically. do i like azbke? hmm a little. i think there's room to like him more but im also not that impressed by his ambitions, like wtf is he doing exactly? what's his plan? he seem to be doing lots of things - techy things to designy things to lifestyle things, to foodie things... i's like ok but what actualyl do you do though? how do you make your money is what i wnna ask him lol. anyways. right now the plan is just to keep the focus on my work. brinnng that focus back onto my work mehn. cos when people start calling and requesting your time for this n that i start feeling obligd and feeling bad if i refuse certin obligations. sometimes i'll just find myself feeling bad and ilm like but what have i done though? and its cos maybe im so used to being avilabe when people need me or call for my attention. in fact i used to welcome the disctraction. now i find it distracting since ive started liking my work more. and just turn my whatsapp on flight mode.
think big, start small, move fast.