Eel

Fade

the days have become a blur.
the world keeps turning, and i've spent more time with mukesh than i have with anyone.
it feels like we're moving fast. i have a lot of doubts. but he's made it clear that he's okay with me sleeping with other people, which makes me really uncomfortable. for him, it's about trust. he trusts me. but humans are disappointing. we all tend to be sooner or later.
sometimes i feel like i'm losing grip of reality. things just tend to fade in now. life keeps going on. and i still feel a little depressed.
probably because i keep skipping doses.
feel that familiar gray faze all over my brain again. maybe because i'm smoking too much.
so many maybes. i should be taking better care of myself.
muki inspires me to do so. he tells me all the time.
i haven't gone this long living with someone consecutively for a while. if the building manager found out i'd probably get charged a hefty fine.
oh well. i'm all moved in to my new space. just gotta get the remaining stuff out before july 31st.
my head hurts. my heart hurts. hassan messaged me again. he keeps doing it.
i'm at conflict about how to respond to him again. it's getting in the way of my concentration.
between that and adjusting to the rapidly changing living conditions, my mind is pretty scattered. thankfully i got quarantined for 2 weeks because i would not have been able to handle work on top of all of this. but i'll be ready soon. definitely have to get refreshed though, and prepare myself to interact with more than one person, which i really hate doing. fuck. maybe nursing isn't for me. but i can stick it out another year.
scrambled eggs. that's my brain at the moment. i have to find a way to clear it out again. but it's been like this for years.

when do i get a break?