Scream Above the Sounds
Losing Friends, Being Selfish & University.
I've been meaning to write sooner. I feel like I've been saying that for almost a year now. I think life has just thrown me for a loop and I never feel like I have the time to write anymore, or maybe I'm back into an old mindset of keeping everything to myself and just doing my best to handle things? It doesn't sound healthy either way. I'm not sure where to begin as I have a lot I want to put out there. I guess we should start with University? Lets start with the positives.
So yeah, predicted grades came back and I am now officially a university student! It still hasn't sunk in yet. I don't think I ever had any intention of going to university. I suppose I never really had any idea of what I wanted to do when I was growing up. I was playing and thriving so much in Counter-Strike; playing in various cups/leagues/tournaments. I guess I never really had a back up plan or an end game. I took solace in video games such as CS and World of Warcraft for such a long time. My grades and attendance suffered because I was bullied a lot in high school, to the point where I just stopped going in altogether. It seemed like an easy decision: go to school and be miserable and ridiculed, or stay at home with games that make me feel happy and that I'm worth something. The latter seemed very appealing to me. Fast forward to 2018 and I've broken up with my girlfriend of 9 years, I've made my first diary post here. I tell myself I'm going back to college to resit my GCSE's. I then start an Access course and now I'm going to bloody university. It's just mental! I'll be studying Sports Journalism.
The losing friends and being selfish is a lot harder to delve into and get my head around. I'm still coming to terms with it myself. My best friend since we were 11 years old is now going through a divorce. I'm very close with his wife too and I was best man at the wedding. He came to me for advice on June 15th and told me that he and his wife were having problems. I told him that they owed it to themselves to fix the marriage and try their best. I figured out a bit later that he had mentally checked out of this and wanted the marriage over, so I'm not entirely sure why he came to me for advice in the first place. Maybe he was hoping I would encourage him to end it,I can't imagine why though. I have to cut a long story short because it really isn't my story to tell and it's so in depth. He basically met a girl on Final Fantasy XIV (It's an online MMORPG....a video game, if people still aren't sure). He became incredibly attached to this girl and had previously told lies to her: about being single when he in fact wasn't. He told this girl that he was separated when he was still with his partner. He just obviously had intentions of separating before it happened. He also told countless lies about his wife: about how HE wanted to save the marriage and it was her that ended it, among a ton of other really bad and irrelevant stuff. He had no business spilling anything about his wife. All he had to say to this girl was that he was separated.
The lies were designed to victimise himself so this girl would stick around with him, which she did. She also enabled his behaviour as they began telling each other that they loved each other. They would lobby together on Discord for 10 hours a day, as well as whatsapp and various other things. He lives in the UK, he's an irl friend of mine and she lives in Dubai. At this point my friend was distancing himself from everybody. He said horrible things about people, including myself (Which he doesn't know that I know) and people were genuinely considered for his mental health. Whilst this was happening, people who also played the game with my friend and this girl had growing concerns of the time they were spending together and brought it to the attention of this girl. She then realised (Despite her behaviour and enabling and fuelling his obsession) that she needed to get away from him. She sent him a message and decided to cut him off, as did all of her friends who he did FFXIV content with: raids etc. This sent my friend into an absolute frenzy, naturally. He had no idea what he had done wrong and looked like public enemy #1. I'm not going to mention the cringy or embarrassing things that he did because I don't think people would understand the gaming lingo and whatnot, but it was very obsessive. To put it simple, he was waiting outside her 'in game house' and creating new characters to send her messages etc.
At this point, I decided I had to get involved and do something. He told people he was severely depressed (which his wife called him out on and he denied it). This annoyed me, because he knows I suffer with depression. I offered to help him. I wanted to meet up and sit down with him and discuss everything that had been going on and how his behaviour had been obsessive, excessive and he needed to take a look at his life and address things that were happening: he was going through a divorce, he may potentially have to move out. Whenever his wife would try and talk about this, he would shut things down and ignore her. I was the only one who could really force him to open up, and even then it took a couple of glasses of wine. He admitted his behaviour was bad. This wasn't enough for me though, I've glossed over a lot of things that happened during the 3-4 weeks that this went on, but there is one thing that sticks out in my mind: The girl went 'away' for a while and ignored him for 2 days..during that time period, he updated his Discord picture to a dying candle and updated his FFXIV in game info to 'dead'. I didn't sleep that night. I was genuinely concerned he may do something to himself, like self harm..or worse. I told him this and I didn't get an apology, even a 'Sorry mate..I didn't mean to worry you'. I needed something, anything.
So we sat down, we discussed everything. His behaviour, the 'relationship' with this girl, what he expected could potentially happen down the line...with different countries, cultural differences and religion. We spoke about his living arrangements, divorce, I even threw in online/video game addiction, something I genuinely believe is a possibility. I use video games as a HUGE escape from the real world but I feel like it's all that matters to him. It's almost like a distorted reality. He seems to value his friends in game and his character more than his actual life. It's very concerning. I told him that I think he needed to quit the game. I told him he was spending too much time on it and it was becoming a problem. He agreed. Sadly, nothing has changed and he is still playing it. I haven't spoken to him since July 13th. I know his wife has confronted him about the lies and he continued to deny them but also said that he would 'never do it again'. She seems to accept this. Sadly, I don't. He didn't apologise to me or his wife for his behaviour and the way he's treated us. He ignored me and many others who reached out to him in the last few weeks and continues to victimise himself. Nobody recognised who he was anymore and his behaviour was frightening at times. Again, I've glossed over a lot of things that he has done because I feel like it's embarrassing and who knows? Maybe he'll even read this. Which leads me to my conclusion I suppose?
I still love the guy. He's one of my best friends and I'm scared for him. I'm scared he may wake up in 10 years time and life will have completely passed him by. I want him to be happy. If this does make him happy, living this life and having this 'persona' if you like through an online game...I can't stop that. I just want him to be fulfilled. Sadly, I don't trust him anymore. He told lies about his wife and has said bad things about me. I've also been told that one of his friends also said pretty nasty things about me:
1) I'm apparently very two faced. I have a face for every person.
2) My friend had no business coming to me for marriage advice because 'I've never held down a job'
Just for the record, I worked at Primark for 3 years and I left to pursue education. I'm sorry for not wanting to work at Tesco for 10plus years.....Sorry for wanting more out of life.
3) Apparently if I'm put in a room full of people, 'I wouldn't know what to say' ...whatever that means.
4) I'm a backstabber
The person who said this, I wouldn't really call a friend. He's more a friend of a friend. I mean we would often talk about pro wrestling and stuff but I wouldn't call him a friend. Either way, I'm glad that this was brought to my attention because...I need this negativity out of my life. I've been in such dark places over the years and the fact that things are actually going well for me. I have to be selfish here. Depression is something I know I'm never going to escape but I can't risk that relapse of feeling like I'm a fucking nobody again. I'm doing well, I'm going to university and I want to be happy. I know this may look like a crazy story and if you've read it, fair play to you. I'm impressed! Even if you don't fully understand it. It's been incredibly hard to deal with and honestly, I feel like I've lost my best friend because he doesn't seem to give a fuck about anything except video games. I have to be selfish and look after myself. I can't cut him off because I'm best friends with his two brothers too. I'll always care about him but right now, I need him to find himself and be a better person - to be the person I know he is. I'm just so disappointed with everything.
Thanks for reading. I hope everybody is staying safe.