Today I was told that even if my COVID test comes back negative I still have to sell isolate for the next two weeks. Why did I even get the test in the first place if I was going to quarantine myself anyway? Logically, I know I got it so I could tell the people who were exposed to me that they need to get tested. Logically, I know that its good that I got tested. Logically, I know that quarantining myself, either way, is good because no test is 100% accurate and I don't want to hurt anyone. I know that everything I am doing is for a good reason so why am I so mad. I decided not to get out of bed or eat today because I was so pissed off. All I have done is pick up my check and take out the trash. I know that the only person that not eating or doing shit will hurt is me yet here I am doing it. I've been scrolling through my phone all-day and wallowing in self-pity. It makes no sense why I am doing this. I could've just as easily accepted the fact that I'm going to have to quarantine. I could've told my friends and set up a zoom call or planned some fun things to do online, but here I am sitting in my room basking in the awfulness that is me. Part of my brain says I am doing it for attention and I probably am. I have GAD and usually would blame an episode like this on my disease, but if I am being honest I am choosing this. I am choosing to be angry and sad and useless. I am doing this for attention and part of me hopes someone will see this diary I have created and talked with me about it. That's why I am writing on this website, so nobody will see it. I am trying to kill this part of me. I don't want to be shallow, I don't want to be a bitch, I don't want to be fake. I want to be a cool person, I want to be the person that strangers talk to because I seem friendly, I want to be the person that does nice things when no one is around, I want to be the person who always has a funny story to cheer everyone up with.
I'm not gonna spend all day wallowing in guilt and sorrow. I am going to make a big lunch for myself and watch Avatar. I am going to make this day my bitch.