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An Abundance of Grief
Twice now I've started writing an entry and it's been deleted. Most of them I was able to recover but most of my entries lately have been short and fragmented anyway. There have been several things happening lately but they're so scattered and short that they hardly form a coherent essay entry each. And I miss writing freely in my diary for at least a little over an hour or so.
Last night we went to a small family event where I got to see people I normally interact with twice a year or so. One very distant relative and I got to talking and catching up, someone with the same major as me and whom I went to uni with for my MA. After the usual catching up about how this pandemic ruined our plans, he started giving me advice on work and such. He recommended I go into technical writing in high tech companies in the area. Which isn't a bad suggestion, actually. Talk of the future has led to him being reminded of my relationship with C and how it was long distance, which resulted in me telling him it was over. In hindsight, I don't think I should have done that. Considering he got back in touch with me when at around 1:30 am he texts me on social media telling me he thought I looked "real cute". I humoured him a little but in the evening he started to try and cross the boundaries by saying things like how cuddling would be fun and such. That's when I stopped him as politely as I could. It was uncomfortable for me, not to mention I wasn't ready for that kind of contact with anyone. But I did learn that he finds me very attractive, which is a fantastic antithesis to the godawful night I had last night.
I don't think it was the drinking that time. No, I hardly drank so it wasn't influenced by any alcohol. It was probably talk of my future and being in the position of the least experienced and being the young one that started to put me down a little, then finished with the cherry on top that is C's reasoning. I'm not going to bother writing down the conversation because I don't want to relive it but let's just say, it resulted in a very intense night of crying my eyes out. I'm not sure I remember what the thoughts were anyway, just an incredible feeling of loss. Like my insides were hollowed out.
The morning after, I woke up physically weak, with puffy eyes and a constant drowsiness that lasted throughout the day. All things are temporary though, and I got into bed tonight thinking of the difference, how calm I am, how clear and dry my eyes are. One simply gets over it, I guess. Until the next hit, most likely.
I'm not sure I'm supposed to just ignore the pain. I don't think that's the right thing to do. I do think, however, that some days it just kicks in more than other days. But how might I be prepare for those?