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Ramblings & RL Stories
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2020-07-17 12:21:50 (UTC)

Woke up Crying


I started this journal in 2011.
Switched back and fourth from paper to online to paper to online.
That’s a long time here.
I still have my paper journals from 1980.
I have three full foot lockers full of old journals.
These online ones are printed and labeled in a binder right next to the paper ones.
Someone could write an extremely detailed book about my life by my journals alone.

It’s the one place I’ve always been able to be honest.

Well, just got a call from RP yesterday
Someone sent a message to RP yesterday

For fuk sake.

I’m fine.
I’m alive.
I’m breathing.
I’m not drinking.....yet.
I’m pissed.
I’m tired.
I’m broke....financially, etc.

I’m not sure what all was said, I listened to the voicemail. Never did call RP back.
I did send a message.
Sent a message I’m ok.
RP and I had talked the day prior.
I already had discussed things going on.

I’m a bit upset. Still.
I get some might be worried.

Let’s just say, things are going to be changing for some people in my life.
Sometimes people cross lines they shouldn’t cross.
There’s other ways to handle or deal with things.

Now, I’m doing therapy and training to start standing up for myself.
I’m going to be making a phone call today.
There will be consequences to what’s happened.

What’s said on here is not to be shared with people in my life who are not aware of my journal.
This journal is my safe haven.
It’s my therapy.
It’s my outlet.

I will, if I have to, go either to private, or back to a paper journal.
And NO ONE but my therapist, will know what I’m going through.

If my therapist, thought I was suicidal, he would truly do something.
I DO, have a safety plan.
There ARE procedures in place.


On a different note.
Indio is here since yesterday afternoon.
He’s going to help me get the rider going or let my ex get me another one.
He’s going to take me to the store to get daily necessities that I need and have been stressed over how to get.
I cried this morning and he held me.
Reminded me, I’m not a failure.
Yes, I been feeling like a failure at life.
I asked him to work on supporting me emotionally instead of being upset I am who I am and think the way I think.
I will be calling RP while Indio is here. She has spoke to him before.
My therapist has talked to Indio 4 to 5 times while doing therapy.

So I’m going to get up, get dressed and get ready to start the day while Indio is here.

Will start my phone calls around noon