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Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
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2020-07-16 02:09:26 (UTC)

WHO R U

908pm

Well.....
I self harmed......
I tried to fight it......
I couldn’t anymore .......

I pulled the alcohol down.......
Pulled the gauze down ........
I pulled the new switch blade down.......
I cleaned it with alcohol .......
Dried it.......

Didn’t think......
Just sliced fast.........
Didn’t see the blood I wanted.........
So sliced again.......
And again........
And again.........
And again........
And again........
Finally .........
Blood pouring out........
I didn’t want to stop.........

I cleaned my blade......
Wiped the blood.......
Taped it up.......

It’s bleeding through already.........

What’s going through my mind.......

“It shouldn’t matter, I didn’t do it in front of you, near you, or with you”

Isn’t that the excuse he gave me? Knowing the smell of alcohol would bother me?
Well, I know, this will bother him.

Not why I did it.
I’m angry!
Angry at myself!

He wonders why I don’t say what’s on my mind.
He doesn’t like what’s on my mind.
It’s always an issue.
No more trying to get me to rethink things.
Just automatically “Why do you......”
Making me feel more of a failure day by day.

He used to ask me calmly, what reasons are behind the words and thoughts.
Not anymore.

I will probably do it again tomorrow.
And again.
And again.

Till every ounce of what I don’t like about me bleeds out of me.

I don’t care.
I’m doing it for me.
I’m doing it for myself, for many reasons.

1. The physical pain will drown my mental pain hopefully
2. It will help me mentally become numb hopefully
3. I’m not dead yet, I see that I bleed
4. Another spot I can look back on and know I fucking survived
(The only thing I seem to be good at is survival)

(Deep sigh)

Yes, suicidal thoughts 💭 with my hamster tonight.
Sooo many ways to go....
I’d be so fucking creative.
I won’t go text book style.

When am I going to learn?
Why can’t I cut my face into a permanent smile like Joker
Laugh at everything
Hide behind my laughter

Why do I have to be such a bitch?
Yeah, I said it.
If I’m an ass, then I’m a bitch too.

I took my medications.
Fuck it.
I’m getting dizzy.
I’m getting tired.
I feel sick to my stomach.

Didn’t help I slammed both fists into my head 9 times prior to my little sewing project

I’m going to crawl into my darkness.......

And journal more tomorrow .....

I’ve gone MAD

“WHO R U?!?!”


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